Daughter lying about boys, keeping secrets

Pink_fluff

What were you hoping to achieve by reading the msn history? When I was 14 my mum read my diary.. and made no secret of telling me. I have never felt so betrayed and even now, 10 years later. I do not trust my mum and we have a very bad relationship. Purely down to her snooping. So i'd think carefully before invading their privacy.

mountainlioness

robpw2 wrote: »

yes and this is why we have such a high teenage pregnancy rate ..

Bizarre! because of course clamping down, making sexual issues taboo and a bit shameful really makes ppl less likely to want to indulge?! Look at the US, at least Obama is starting to look at broader sex education that the Bush-Christian right abstinence-only approach, which hasn't worked.

Surely if we're to learn anything about handling teenage sexuality we should look to countries like the Netherlands where parents and kids talk openly about sex but the average age of first sexual encounter is later than the UK and they have one of the lowest teenage pregnancy rates in the developed world.

OP - It sounds like she's growing up and exploring her emerging sexuality - the last thing you want to do is make her ashamed or feel that she hasn't got you as a potential support should she need it because of your disapproval. Perhaps time to take a little step back but keep a 'watching brief' - the best you can do for her is to bolster her self-confidence and esteem. A strong young woman will be more likely to be able to look after herself, seek support when she needs it and not feel pressurised when she gets older and has to 'manage' a boy's expectations

beth464

As a 19 year old, I've experienced all this a few years ago. I've always been able to talk to my parents about boyfriends and still do. Not about sex, just general relationship stuff. I think this is down to the fact that when I had my first boyfriend aged 13, they thought nothing of it, just showed an interest and trusted that I would be sensible (which I was, I had nothing of the sort on my mind at that age). If my mum had read my MSN logs I'd be mortified. I would advise you never to do that again, a) because if she found out she'd be so angry and b) because you may read something you wish you hadn't seen. I know I've talked about all sorts on MSN and my mum could have got the wrong idea if she'd read it.

You might hear of teenage pregnancies, but if your daughter is sensible and aware of the facts, she will be fine. My parents have never had the "sex talk" with me, but it's still been drummed into me from the internet and magazines that unprotected sex = babies. Pretty much everyone I know takes the same stance and would never risk it. You could definitely get the idea from the media that we're all clueless and at it 24/7, but that's simply not the case.

Leave your daughter to it, let her enjoy her first boyfriend, and in time she may start letting you in on her feelings.

RAS

Glen0000 wrote: »

Our daughter is 13 and had never shown an interest in boys. No posters in her room, no talk of crushes. My wife was a little worried, but we did not get too concerned. Whenever we mentioned boys, kissing, she just said "yuck" etc. We thought she was possibly a late bloomer.

I think the operative word in your title is lying? Is that how you view your daughter's actions?

I cannot remember a single sex related activity which I learned about as a (sub)teenager which did not engender the immediate response "yuck".

A few years later I engaged enthusiastically in many of them and thoroughly enjoyed most.

Anything and everything to do with sex is excruciately embaressing at that 13/4 years, even more so it parents are involved.

Is it just possible that this was the first, or one of the first times your daughter has explored the possibility that yuck always is not an appropriate response to a kiss?

It may now be an appropriate time to have a conversation about this relationship, with the minimum of response from you. When she explains how she views it, then discuss what is and is not appropriate behaviour in that relationship a this time.

You or the missus do need to make sure that she knows the full facts as there are still masses of myths out there. And it may be appropriate for you to explain that you remember how you viewed sex at that age and why this concerns you.

You may also want to talk about the double standards that affect boys and girls, particularly that too often boys pressure girls and then brand them as slags if they give in.

Finally, if you try to get any message across it should be that sex is about a relationship, even a brief one, and that it should be enjoyable for both parties. If you teach her to reject activities she does not find pleasurable, she will be empowered to be a lot more assertive.

Some time else, you may want to explain the background to your concerns but please avoid conflating a current kiss and your historical activities.

Oldernotwiser

mspig wrote: »

I think this is down to trust and it clearly shows that you don't trust your daughter or you wouldn't be behaving in such a manner as to check her msn detail.

I agree that it comes down to trust but it seems to me that it's the daughter here who's broken the trust by not being honest with her parents.

glossgal

Pink_fluff wrote: »

What were you hoping to achieve by reading the msn history? When I was 14 my mum read my diary.. and made no secret of telling me. I have never felt so betrayed and even now, 10 years later. I do not trust my mum and we have a very bad relationship. Purely down to her snooping. So i'd think carefully before invading their privacy.

Spot on, I can totally relate-my parents once read my diary and a peeved entry about some boy I fancied who didn't fancy me (his loss lol..but I digress..). My language was a little 'colourful' but hey it was for my eyes only..wrong! I will never forget being sat down and confronted about it by them both as if I'd done something terrible-'what would your grandma think if she had read it' they said. I will never ever forget it, my relationship with them was never the same. I still don't see, 18 years later, why there was any need to a) read it or b) make me know they had seen it. On reflection they were very out of touch in the parenting stakes and emotionally !!!!!!, that they could be so ignorant of normal teenage behaviour angers and saddens me in equal measure.

OP, without wanting to be rude, I think there is a touch of this in your posts. Your response seems very disproportionate to events and I promise you will do irreversable harm if you overreact now and carry on snooping in this way.

Penny-Pincher!!

I've not read all the replies, but OH & I were 13/14 when we met, although we werent going out for a further 6 months:D....we were about 14 when we first had a snog.

We werent allowed in each others bedroom by ourselves or had to leave door open and were usually chaperoned (sp) if we wanted to go out. My parents have a very prude circle of friends, so OH & I werent allowed to say we were going out, but just friends/penpals:rolleyes:

We didnt live close though and saw each other a couple of times a month, sometimes less but were allowed to write and call each other. This was before mobiles:rotfl:They never read my letters, so I suppose I had that privacy.

I found the not telling friends harder than not being allowed alone together.

I do think we would have slept together at a much younger age and glad they put the rules down, because when we slept together it was because we were ready for it and not just because it was something to do.

We are still together after 20 years!

PP
xx

Jakg

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I agree that it comes down to trust but it seems to me that it's the daughter here who's broken the trust by not being honest with her parents.

So you don't think her parents broke their daughters trust by reading her private conversations?

scubaangel

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I agree that it comes down to trust but it seems to me that it's the daughter here who's broken the trust by not being honest with her parents.

How has she been dishonest? She has omitted to tell them about a boyfriend while expressing the opinion that boys are yucky - its hardly the crime of the century, most if not all teens fail to tell their parents about new bf's/gf's until they believe they are in a 'long term' or stable relationship.

Reading her MSN logs is dishonest but I can see that this was done out of concern for her. Teenagers are notouriously volatile esp at 13 or 14 and telling her that her MSN logs have been read would probably cause more harm than good - she'll see that her parents have breached her trust in a huge way and not that her omitting to mention a boy might have in some way breached their trust in her!

tiamai_d

I never talked to my parents about boys when I was younger. Not because I didn't trust or respect them, but because I didn't feel the need to explain every snog and grope I had. I don't see what the problem is if she is sensible. By the time they reach 13 it's a bit late to start sex education, so I hope that has already been covered.