Daughter lying about boys, keeping secrets

Jakg

Glen0000 wrote: »

Because those things are illegal? The school monitors her internet use, my wife also has her internet use monitored at work. What is the difference???

So the only difference you could mention is legality - aka a technicality.


Why do you not monitor her speaking to people in the real world, or on the phone, yet you monitor what she says online? It's EXACTLY the same thing.

Madness.

swiss69 wrote: »

"We don't check it very often at all, every 6 months or so, but if needed we will check it."

Glenn - What you are doing is fine but every 6 months is far far too long to leave it. A child can go from innocent chats with friends to arranging secret meet ups with people in a matter of days - I would check it more often if I were you

Tell me this is a joke.

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

The child under discussion is 13 and it's her parents' responsibility to monitor her actions to protect and guide her.

Question - I'm 17, which means i'm not yet an adult. Does that mean that my parents should monitor my private conversations?

Poppy9

Jakg wrote: »

Why do you not monitor her speaking to people in the real world, or on the phone, yet you monitor what she says online? It's EXACTLY the same thing.

Getting upto mischief is often easier online and via phone as it's anonymous. Many people who bully and flirt on line wouldn't dream of doing so person to person.

People used to make anonymous phone calls before the internet and mobiles to get their kicks. Now they have other opportunities.

Glen0000

Jakg wrote: »

.
Tell me this is a joke.Question - I'm 17, which means i'm not yet an adult. Does that mean that my parents should monitor my private conversations?

Do you pay your way? Are you saving to move out anytime soon?

My friend is 35 and complains about his mum opening his mail. Move out is my answer.

Jakg

I pay for everything except my insurance (i will pay for that when it must be renewed), food & rent - I will be moving out in september to go to Uni and have no intention of returning.

Oldernotwiser

Jakg wrote: »

So the only difference you could mention is legality - aka a technicality.

The law is far more than just a technicality!


Why do you not monitor her speaking to people in the real world, or on the phone, yet you monitor what she says online? It's EXACTLY the same thing.
I would hope that most decent parents would monitor who a 13 year old deals with in the real world.

Madness.
Tell me this is a joke.Question - I'm 17, which means i'm not yet an adult. Does that mean that my parents should monitor my private conversations? There's an big difference between a child of 13 and a young person of 17!

You are of an age to work, get married and leave home ; there's an enormous gap (or should be!) between someone of your age and someone of 13!

Glen0000

Jakg wrote: »

I pay for everything except my insurance (i will pay for that when it must be renewed), food & rent - I will be moving out in september to go to Uni and have no intention of returning.

Good for you. Too many young people stay at home long for far too long thesedays.

valos_mummy

I think maybe both of you should sit down with her, mention that you have heard about the kiss from the boy's mother, and say that if the boy in question is now her boyfriend you would perhaps like to meet him sometime. And maybe suggest that if she likes, maybe after a nice family tea together, you can drop them off at say, the cinema to watch a film, and come pick them up after its finished.

This would let her know that you are aware of the situation (but PLEASE do not ever mention you've read what she's written about this boy on msn, if she's a typical teenager, she will run up the stairs red faced and never open up to you again!); and it would also let her know that you don't necessarily disaprove of the relationship but would like to make sure that they have adequate supervision ie: meeting him, the taking to the film, and picking up and dropping him straight home after!! If she agrees to these terms, begin laying down some house rules; like how many times a week can she see him, where is it acceptable for them to both be in the house etc. If she breaks these rules, let her know there will be punishment but if she complies then there is no reason that you will not allow him in her life. And stretch out the freedoms if they're still together for so long (although most teenage romances are quite fickle so it may not get to that!)

When I was that age (I'm 29 btw); I can remember being very much the same, I still had my massive dolls house, pink fairy princess wallpaper and toy ponies in my room and played with them often; but I wasn't like that in school, it was important to me that I fitted in with my peers. Which didn't mean getting up to half the stuff they did, I was still a goody-two-shoes; but meant carrying myself a little more maturely.

Sure I had a couple of crushes, but I'd have never told my parents about them. Purely because of the embarrassment; my mum would have been on the phone to all the relatives and at the next family gathering there would have been merciless ribbing and teasing at my expense, and being a sensitive little girl, that would have been as damaging as hell. When you're thinking about romance and first love and how your starting to mature into adulthood, your great aunty going "awwww, has you got an ickly boyfwend, how sweeeeet" isn't going to wash well.

If she hadn't been found out, and still not told you, things may have progressed to a point where they shouldn't so it's by no means bad that you know about this. I wish maybe you'd had a conversation with her about this BEFORE reading her messages; she may have opened up to you, so the snooping could have been avoided. It's too late for that obviously but I implore you not to use the msn information against her, especially if she's hesistant about giving you all the details. Don't barge in there with "You may as well tell us, we've read your messages anyway!" If she refuses to tell you what's been going on, tell her that as per your house rules, you might need to look into her msn files; she'll probably start talking with you then because she'd be mortified if you read what she'd said about him (which yes, you have, but she doesn't need to know that!)

Finish the chat with her, but reiterate what you've taught her before about boys; and that you see how she's becoming a beautiful young woman whom you hope you are able to trust to do the right thing, and that you both love her and are always there for her. With hugs If she's sensible enough, the love and the trust you place in her.... she won't want to betray that.

louise540056

valos_mummy wrote: »

I think maybe both of you should sit down with her, mention that you have heard about the kiss from the boy's mother, and say that if the boy in question is now her boyfriend you would perhaps like to meet him sometime. And maybe suggest that if she likes, maybe after a nice family tea together, you can drop them off at say, the cinema to watch a film, and come pick them up after its finished.

This would let her know that you are aware of the situation (but PLEASE do not ever mention you've read what she's written about this boy on msn, if she's a typical teenager, she will run up the stairs red faced and never open up to you again!); and it would also let her know that you don't necessarily disaprove of the relationship but would like to make sure that they have adequate supervision ie: meeting him, the taking to the film, and picking up and dropping him straight home after!! If she agrees to these terms, begin laying down some house rules; like how many times a week can she see him, where is it acceptable for them to both be in the house etc. If she breaks these rules, let her know there will be punishment but if she complies then there is no reason that you will not allow him in her life. And stretch out the freedoms if they're still together for so long (although most teenage romances are quite fickle so it may not get to that!)

When I was that age (I'm 29 btw); I can remember being very much the same, I still had my massive dolls house, pink fairy princess wallpaper and toy ponies in my room and played with them often; but I wasn't like that in school, it was important to me that I fitted in with my peers. Which didn't mean getting up to half the stuff they did, I was still a goody-two-shoes; but meant carrying myself a little more maturely.

Sure I had a couple of crushes, but I'd have never told my parents about them. Purely because of the embarrassment; my mum would have been on the phone to all the relatives and at the next family gathering there would have been merciless ribbing and teasing at my expense, and being a sensitive little girl, that would have been as damaging as hell. When you're thinking about romance and first love and how your starting to mature into adulthood, your great aunty going "awwww, has you got an ickly boyfwend, how sweeeeet" isn't going to wash well.

If she hadn't been found out, and still not told you, things may have progressed to a point where they shouldn't so it's by no means bad that you know about this. I wish maybe you'd had a conversation with her about this BEFORE reading her messages; she may have opened up to you, so the snooping could have been avoided. It's too late for that obviously but I implore you not to use the msn information against her, especially if she's hesistant about giving you all the details. Don't barge in there with "You may as well tell us, we've read your messages anyway!" If she refuses to tell you what's been going on, tell her that as per your house rules, you might need to look into her msn files; she'll probably start talking with you then because she'd be mortified if you read what she'd said about him (which yes, you have, but she doesn't need to know that!)

Finish the chat with her, but reiterate what you've taught her before about boys; and that you see how she's becoming a beautiful young woman whom you hope you are able to trust to do the right thing, and that you both love her and are always there for her. With hugs If she's sensible enough, the love and the trust you place in her.... she won't want to betray that.

What a wonderful post :T:T:T

chnelomi

just had to post. my daughter is not far of this stage and i have had senarios like this going round my head for some time lol(yes i worry about everything). i have started the ground work as i call it, i ask who she likes and i coment on who seems a nice person and who looks nice and of course point out the little twerps that are after one thing IMO.
it's only been a few months but already it has paid off, their was a situation at school and she told me straight away i was the one left embarresed lol. her friends have commented to her that she can tell her mum anything(i'm not stupid i know it's not everything).

Now if i was in your position i'd take some of the previous advice don't barr them from seeing each other you know that wont work well. Try just asking open questions at first like what football team dose the boy like etc let her know she can mention his name without WW3 breaking out. the open door policy is a good one but don't force it(the garden would do too).

Try to work towards them having independance and trust. trust them to walk to the shops together and build it up too hopefully one day they can have a DATE(oh my god) maybe not the pictures(back row anyone:rotfl:)but maybe ice skating or family days out. try to teach her that she can involve you in her life with boy's and spare a thought for us that have still to go through it(Help).Good luck

valos_mummy

louise540056 wrote: »

What a wonderful post :T:T:T

Thank you, I've been reading this and could see that the thread was veering off course and that what Glen0000 perhaps wanted was a bit of practical advice about what to do next. There was a lot of whether they were right or wrong to go through her msn chat. Personally as I said, maybe they could have tried talking to her first and think about the msn as a last resort but what's done is done now and it's about taking things forward to a resolution.