Daughter lying about boys, keeping secrets

seven-day-weekend

Glen0000 wrote: »

Yes, we feel we have let her down on lots of levels We have not had the "boys may pressure you" chat as we did not think she was interested in boys yet and we never thought she would be at risk as she is never alone with boys long enough for anything to happen.

As stated in previous posts she is immature for her age, mentally acts around 10 or so, still plays with brats dolls etc. At times we have worried she has a learning difficulty.

We want to deal with this in a sensible way as not to scare our DD, but also ensure she is not at any risk.

My son is 29 and still plays with lego if he gets the chance!:rotfl:

I do know what you mean though. We worry so much about our children, don't we? And I think, especially for a father, they are quite often horrified to find their 'little girl' is growing up.

I personally don't think that under the circumstances there is anything wrong with reading her facebook, obviously the OP and his wife needed to know if there was anything else she wasn't telling them so they could decide how to deal with it. She is only 13 after all.

Like I said earlier, have a friendly 'dating' chat, invite the boy to your house and have an 'open door' policy, all of you go out together to approriate places - have the relationship out in the open where you can monitor it more easily.

I think the boy's mum was wrong to ground him.

Lunar_Eclipse

Glen0000 wrote: »

Our daughter is 13 and had never shown an interest in boys. No posters in her room, no talk of crushes. My wife was a little worried, but we did not get too concerned. Whenever we mentioned boys, kissing, she just said "yuck" etc. We thought she was possibly a late bloomer.

To cut a very long story short our daughter was caught kissing a boy in his room, a brother of one of her friends. She was at the friends house playing. The mum is a good friend of ours and came around to tell us about it today. The boy, who is 14 had been grounded. This happened yesterday and our daughter seemed very normal when she returned from her friends and has made no mention at all of it.

My wife has just been on our daughters msn history. Lots of talk of loving this boy etc. Seems she has been "going out" with him for about 6 months. We are floored by this and need to know how to deal with it. What is most upsetting for my wife is that she kept this boyfriend a secret. How do we deal with this without pushing her away?

As upsetting as this is for you and particularly your wife, there is absolutely nothing you can or should do about it IMO. She has the right to privacy just as much as you do. Taking differing parent-child relationships aside, some children are open with their parents sharing lots of detail about their life, others are not. Both are supposedly fine, not necessarily an indicator of the health of the parent/child dynamics. The Head of our infant school says this is evident from the day children start school and we are told about it in advance.

Her feelings and behaviour about the opposite sex are normal. Could you be happy for her (secretive) happiness? How lovely that she is viewed as attractive, it bodes well for her long term adult life.

Grounding a 14 year old boy for kissing a girl is ridiculous (unless they have house rules about not allowing the opposite gender into bedrooms for example). I don't know why parents try to go against such normal teenage behaviour, it can only push children away. Does it ever actually stop kids doing this sort of thing? I doubt it.

As someone else mentioned, I'd forget about it. And definitely stay off her MSN.

Lunar_Eclipse

robpw2 wrote: »

yes and this is why we have such a high teenage pregnancy rate ..

Not necessarily.

My parents always treated boys and girls coming into our house exactly the same, regardless of my interest in them. Boyfriends came into my room (it was my "private place" in our family home, not a sex shack!) and there was never any issue. They also stayed overnight, also in my room.

My parents were relaxed, making it perfectly clear that they respected me to make my own decisions on what I got up to, but if I was going to get up to anything, they would rather it was in the safe environment of our home than behind the bike sheds or at the local park after dark. Consequently, I have had very few sexual partners and whilst DH and I were in an exclusive, physically active relationship quickly (we were 19), it was a very long time before we actually had sex. It was a practical approach that worked well for me and my sister; one which I will try to adopt with my own children.

Being relaxed about such things does not mean you are encouraging your children to be sexually active, nor that they will be active young (I certainly wasn't). In fact I wonder if the contrary might actually be true; sex becomes normalised and not taboo. It just was never a big deal when I was growing up. This wasn't the case for any of my friends, most of whom were sexually active years before me. I'm quite sure this reverse psychology pays off in the big areas such as boys/girls, smoking and exams.

Lunar_Eclipse

Glen0000 wrote: »

Yes, my wife and I were young when we met and her parents disapproval drove us together which led to a teen pregnany. We do not want out daughter to go down the same path and need to know how to handle this best.

Have a look at my previous post.

My parents handled this brilliantly. I had my first child at 28 after marrying my boyfriend of 9 years, my sister has also never been pregnant and is a soon to be married 33 year old.

They did talk to us about contraception (I was 15 and very embarrassed), the main message always being that we should always feel able to go to them for advice or help no matter what and without judgment, but that they hoped we would not abuse the respect and independence they granted. We didn't; we knew right from wrong generally, were confident enough to make decisions ourselves and not succumb to peer pressure and respected our parents.

A good fall back plan would be 'if you don't know what to do or say, do nothing.' So leaving your DD well alone may well be the best plan of action. (Not meaning to ignore her, obviously!)

3onitsway

I'm totally agree with Lunar on this one. The OP's other halfs parents didn't approve of their relationship but as he said, it drove them together - and they're still together!

My parents were really really strict with me. I was an only child (til 16), and wasn't allowed to do anything - so I did it behind their backs instead! There were definately no boys in my room but that didn't stop the snogs (and more) - we just found somewhere else to do it! I was an absolute horror teenager, out clubbing at 15, met (now ex) OH at 17 and left home at 19 to live with him - big mistake but i was desperate to get some freedom and be a grown up! Its only through sheer luck that I didn't get pregnant before we had DS when I was 25.

My little sister arrived when I was 16 - she's now almost 21 and has had the exact opposite upbringing to me. She's been allowed her freedom - went clubbing from 16 - but with parents knowledge. Her having boyfriends has never been an issue - and she's very open and honest with the parents. She's been with current boyfriend for 2+ years and he's always in her room - even staying over (shock, horror!).

Anyways - my point is that my parents have since told me they realised their strictness with me was stupid. They told me I couldn't do something - so that made me determined to go and do it anyway behind their backs!

If OP's daughter is going to make mistakes, she's going to make them anyway, even if it has to be behind OP's back!

Gavin83

January20 wrote: »

My reply to this comment is not going to be very popular I'm afraid. Sometimes as a parent you have to make difficult decisions and sometimes if you child doesn't talk to you, you have to be sneaky.

The OP and his wife were concerned about their daughter and what she was up to. A few months down the line, if she became pregnant, I am sure the same people who are talking about respecting her privacy would be the first ones to say the parents didn't look properly after their daughter and didn't know what she was up to :rolleyes:

There is no harm done as long as the daughter doesn't suspect anything. When I was 15, my mother read my diary and told me about - well actually she left a note in it telling me what she thought! I was hurt, felt betrayed and for many, many years it affected the way I behaved with her. But now as the mother of a teenager daughter, I understand exactly why she did it, I know she was worried about me because I had changed and wasn't talking to her. I wasn't talking to her because I knew she wouldn't understand and she would judge me.

The mistake she made was to tell me and therefore ruined the use of the information she had gleaned from it, and also prove to me that I couldn't trust her.

Oh and a kiss at 13 is nothing to be worried about!

Why do children have to talk to their parents though? They are entitled to their own private lives just as their parents are, snooping through their personal items isn't the best idea. Parents don't have a right to know everything in their childs life.

Besides, if you can't discuss what you find with your child what is even the point of looking?

vixarooni

Wow, poor girl! If my parents read my msn conversations when i was a teenager.....jeez, the whole street would have known about it. I hope she never finds out because then she definatly wont tell you anything! Im glad i was able to trust my parents with that kind of thing.

I think you need to leave her to grow up how shes going to grow up. She kissed a boy, i think thats pretty bog standard stuff. She didnt tell you, again bog standard stuff. I told my mum about my first serious boyfriend at 19, before hand i didn't tell them a sausage. I could talk to them about sex for sure but i never inclined that i did it or that there was anyone on the scene just out of embarassment.

I don't see the point of this chat you want to have about how boys can be pushy. She will find that out very quickly herself and deal with it in her own way. Unfortunatly you can't protect her from every bad apple that falls from the tree.

I wish your daughter luck, and i hope to the lord himself she doesn't come on mse

Glen0000

vixarooni wrote: »

I don't see the point of this chat you want to have about how boys can be pushy. She will find that out very quickly herself and deal with it in her own way. Unfortunatly you can't protect her from every bad apple that falls from the tree.

My wife says that at her age her head was full of romance, when all boys wanted was a quick fumble. I am ashamed to say as a teen boy myself I was interested in how far I could get, rather than the girl herself.

Often girls can be pushed into things to keep boys happy. I know this was the case for my wife. Just a warning that it is ok to say no was what she was thinking and don't be alone with a boy unless there are other people in the house in case of trouble, just general safety stuff.

The boys mother also said to me she was mad at him for putting himself at risk of accusations by being alone with a younger girl, I can understand where she is coming from.

Poppy9

Re accessing MSN etc.

If I thought my DD was in serious trouble or taking drugs I would search her room from top to bottom if I felt it necessary.

I couldn't just stand back and say it's her life her mistakes and let her get on with it.

When DD first had MSN (age about 11/12) it was a condition that she kept her history and if we felt it necessary we may check it. She has willingly showed me some entries re bullying and I found some of it quite shocking how "nice children" talk to one another. The remainder I couldn't read as they talk in smilies

Glen0000

Poppy9 wrote: »

When DD first had MSN (age about 11/12) it was a condition that she kept her history and if we felt it necessary we may check it. She has willingly showed me some entries re bullying and I found some of it quite shocking how "nice children" talk to one another. The remainder I couldn't read as they talk in smilies

This is our rule too. Same for Facebook etc. All passwords must be known to us. DD is fully aware we have access to her MSN, emails etc.

We don't check it very often at all, every 6 months or so, but if needed we will check it.

I am surprised that other parents don't follow this rule, but seeing some of the things that DDs friends post on their Facebook/Bebo pages it does not shock me.

The internet is a public place. Do not post anything you would not be happy sharing with the world. That is my rule anyway, even for e-mail/msn.