Daughter lying about boys, keeping secrets

lesley1960

Glen0000 wrote: »

My parents were the opposite. I was left to my own devices a lot and hence failed all my GCSES. I also got my gf pregnant as we were allowed to sleep together in my room. My parents thought they were "cool". I think they were irresponsible.

I am not close to them either.

I think you should take responsibilities for your own actions , maybe your parents werent as strict with you as you now think they should have been ,but hindsight is a wonderful thing , and who knows who you would have turned out to be if they had been stricter.:rolleyes:

Poppy9

Jakg wrote: »

Whats the difference between reading her MSN history and listening in on her private conversations? Or bugging her phone?

Being a responsible parent means you have to try to know what your child is upto.

Most parents don't have the technology to bug phones and if someone wants a private conversation then they can just walk out the room.

Do you know how much bullying goes on though by mobile phone text and MSN? Some children's lives are made a misery. I have seen some of the messages, texts that my DD has showed me and I think if their parents knew what they were saying/sending they would be horrified. The thing is though they don't know because they are allowing their child privacy.

A couple of years ago a girl who was trying to bully my DD in school rang the house to reinforce her message, DD told her to go away and then handed the phone to me and when I asked to speak to her mother she hung up. Same girl suspended from school for selling substances. Her parents no doubt didn't have a clue what she was upto.

Concerned parents of children being bullied via MSN/Texts contact the police. When the police come to the house of the bully to find out what has been going on it's going to sound pretty lame when the parent says "I had no idea as I don't monitor his internet/phone use".

Children commit suicide over bullying, it's a serious issue. Personally I think parents should make sure their child knows that they can and will check their activity. That in itself may act as a deterient. Parents should obviously exercise restraint and ensure they do give their child privacy at times.

swiss69

" Same girl suspended from school for selling substances. Her parents no doubt didn't have a clue what she was upto."

Or probably care!

mrcow

Good grief - if you were my parent, I'd be mortified!

Spying on your children's private conversations is one sure way of never getting them to trust you again. If you want her to hide stuff from you - then you're going the right way about it.

She's her own person.

As a parent, there are times when we have to put trust in how we have brought our kids up. You talk of unwanted teenage pregnancy - is that honestly what you expect of your daughter? Do you not think you've brought her up to know better than that?

Snogging boys at 14 is normal. Doing it in a bedroom is no different really than the back row of the cinema - if things are going to go further, then that will depend on the two people involved.

Trying to micro-manage her and her feelings though is not going to be good for your relationship with her.

Have some faith in your daughter.
And have some faith in the way you've brought her up!

Gavin83

How do you suggest you monitor your childs phone useage? Read their text messages? Demand they only make a call if your in the room?

Do you not think if they know their parents are gonna monitor their chat logs they'll just conduct their proper private conversations elsewhere?

I guess there are two very different styles of parenting being discussed here and at the end of the day neither is more correct than the other.

I do have a question though. At what stage do you feel it's acceptable to stop monitoring your children and let them make their own mistakes in life?

Oldernotwiser

All general advice is to monitor children's internet usage by having the computer in a public area of the house so that you know what's going on.

The child under discussion is 13 and it's her parents' responsibility to monitor her actions to protect and guide her. I'm sure that the people who say that she needs her privacy and should be allowed to do what she wants would be horrified when the more f.ckless parents' children get into trouble because of this policy.

Poppy9

Gavin83 wrote: »

How do you suggest you monitor your childs phone useage? Read their text messages? Demand they only make a call if your in the room?

She leaves phone lying around. If it goes off with a message and she's in another room she often shouts "Mum, who's it off, what does it say".

I think I would worry if she started suddenly hiding the phone and acting very secretative as it's not in her nature. Instinctively I know when she just wants to be private like when she's on the laptop in the sitting room and I can hear messages pinking like mad and her face smiling and blushing and turning her screen away from me. That's fine and perfectly normal behaviour. If she insisted on only using her laptop in another room from me and not letting me borrow then I would maybe suspect something was up.

Gavin83 wrote:

Do you not think if they know their parents are gonna monitor their chat logs they'll just conduct their proper private conversations elsewhere?

I think when it comes to misusing the internet or phone it's about opportunity. If it's more effort for them to do something they often can't be bothered. They have lots of private time during the school day when they can have their intimate conversations!

Gavin83 wrote:

I guess there are two very different styles of parenting being discussed here and at the end of the day neither is more correct than the other.

I think it's down to how you've brought your children up and your child's personality.

Gavin83 wrote:

I do have a question though. At what stage do you feel it's acceptable to stop monitoring your children and let them make their own mistakes in life?

When they take over paying the phone/internet bill

Oldernotwiser

Gavin83 wrote: »

I do have a question though. At what stage do you feel it's acceptable to stop monitoring your children and let them make their own mistakes in life?

I don't know the answer to that although I think it would depend on the child. However, I do think that 13 would be far too young to take this attitude in most circumstances.

*Vikki*

I am 23 and my parents don't even know I have a boyfriend, or ever had one! (who is a lot older than me) as I am scared stiff of their reaction when they find out, thats at 23!! Since 18 my life has been a secret to them as I can't open up to them and too embarrassed to discuss boyfriends. Don't let that be the same for your child.

foreign_correspondent

*Vikki* wrote: »

I am 23 and my parents don't even know I have a boyfriend, or ever had one! (who is a lot older than me) as I am scared stiff of their reaction when they find out, thats at 23!! Since 18 my life has been a secret to them as I can't open up to them and too embarrassed to discuss boyfriends. Don't let that be the same for your child.

yeah that's so stressful and such a shame - I went to school with a lad who is gay. He has known for definite since he was about 15, but, probably quite understandably he didnt feel he could tell his mum.

He is now 35, and still can't tell her, as a result he cannot move on with his life properly, live with a partner, or even have a serious relationship - what a shame for him.

If his parents had been more open he may be having a much happier, more fulfilled life. One thing is for sure, their dissaproval has not stopped him doing things they dissaprve of (ie, being gay) it has just made hm hide his identity and actions from them, he is really living a lie, sadly.