Daughter lying about boys, keeping secrets

Jakg

Whats the difference between reading her MSN history and listening in on her private conversations? Or bugging her phone?

January20

Gavin83 wrote: »

Why do children have to talk to their parents though? They are entitled to their own private lives just as their parents are, snooping through their personal items isn't the best idea. Parents don't have a right to know everything in their childs life.

Besides, if you can't discuss what you find with your child what is even the point of looking?

Just because children don't want parents to know doesn't mean that parent shouldn't know. I think many people are only too happy to abdicate their responsibility as parents under the guise of "my child needs privacy". The point of looking even if you can't talk about it is so that you know what is going on and you can be prepared for trouble/ or find out your child is ready for that all important talk about sex for instance.

Parents have a duty to protect their children. As I have told my DD, I would do absolutely anything to protect her. Thankfully, we have a good relationship and most of her friends are amazed about the amount of stuff she feels able to tell me. Some parents are not so lucky!

Gavin83

January20 wrote: »

Some parents are not so lucky!

Thats probably due to the parents reaction to what the children will tell them. I know if I was a teenager and I thought my parents would react badly I wouldn't tell them anything at all. On the other hand if they were ok about it and willing to talk about it then I'd be more inclined to discuss matters in my life to them.

My parents were quite controlling, opinionated and prone to getting angry if they heard something about me they didn't like. As a result it has had serious effects on our relationship that lasts to this day. We're not close at all and this is due to me not telling them anything about myself because of their reactions. It seems to me the people who are close to their parents are those who could discuss anything with them. Trying to be as controlling as some are suggesting will only push your kids away. Do parents really want a bad relationship with their children?

It seems a bit dominating to me to demand all your childrens passwords so you can keep an eye on what they're discussing. Besides, kids aren't stupid. If they know theres a possibility of their parents reading their messages they'll just discuss anything sensitive by a means their parents can't monitor. As parents it really is impossible to monitor everything your child does and the more you push them away the worse it will get.

Some parents seem to think they have a right to know everything their child does and I really don't agree. Of course it depends on their age but you need to give them some privacy and responsibility otherwise how will they function in the real world?

To everyone who feels they should monitor what their children are doing. At what age do you feel your child should be before they are allowed to do everything without being monitored?

Glen0000

Jakg wrote: »

Whats the difference between reading her MSN history and listening in on her private conversations? Or bugging her phone?

Because those things are illegal? The school monitors her internet use, my wife also has her internet use monitored at work. What is the difference???

Glen0000

Gavin83 wrote: »

My parents were quite controlling, opinionated and prone to getting angry if they heard something about me they didn't like. As a result it has had serious effects on our relationship that lasts to this day. We're not close at all and this is due to me not telling them anything about myself because of their reactions. It seems to me the people who are close to their parents are those who could discuss anything with them. Trying to be as controlling as some are suggesting will only push your kids away. Do parents really want a bad relationship with their children?

My parents were the opposite. I was left to my own devices a lot and hence failed all my GCSES. I also got my gf pregnant as we were allowed to sleep together in my room. My parents thought they were "cool". I think they were irresponsible.

I am not close to them either.

Oldernotwiser

Gavin83 wrote: »

Trying to be as controlling as some are suggesting will only push your kids away. Do parents really want a bad relationship with their children?

Parents should at least attempt to exert some control over their children. It's parents who want to be "mates" with their kids who are responsible for much of the bad behaviour we see on the streets every day.

mountainlioness

'leaving kids to their own devices' is not the same as being respectful and giving them some independence... the first sounds rather neglectful whereas the latter would be a conscious decision and, hopefully, discussed with the kids themselves i.e. I trust you, please respect that trust because it can be lost. That's not neglectful or uncaring, quite the opposite. IMHO the outcome would be totally different

swiss69

"We don't check it very often at all, every 6 months or so, but if needed we will check it."

Glenn - What you are doing is fine but every 6 months is far far too long to leave it. A child can go from innocent chats with friends to arranging secret meet ups with people in a matter of days - I would check it more often if I were you

seven-day-weekend

Glen0000 wrote: »

My parents were the opposite. I was left to my own devices a lot and hence failed all my GCSES. I also got my gf pregnant as we were allowed to sleep together in my room. My parents thought they were "cool". I think they were irresponsible.

I am not close to them either.

Absolutely.

A thirteen-year-old is still a child and needs much parental guidance, and if that means reading her MSN when necessary then sobeit.

It is, imho, abdicating your responsibility to think otherwise.

peace-babies

At 13 I didnt want to tell my mum about any potential boyfriends I wasnt being sneaky or lying it was just plain embarresing admitting I actually fancied someone in real life (does that make sense she knew about my lastest band crush or actor off the TV/film) but not a real life lad, jeebus I'd rather have curled up and died than tell her that and thats when we had a fantastic relationship that was open honest and without fear of repocussions or failure (thats not a dig I'm just saying that how our relationship is).

I don't think it was appropriate to look at the MSN messenger purely from her point of view in that she may be very shy about telling her mum and dad about a potential boyfriend let alone that they know everything from looking at her messages she may feel let down by you that you didn't trust her. Yes she may act childish at home but is that really an appropriate judgement of her behaviour in life as a whole? In that I mean if you got a group of 20 of my friends and family together you would find incredibly differing opinions of who I am as a person it's dependant on who I am with and how I act around them, you may just find the child you have at home who may not want to go out for a multitude of reasons (I was never into the going out after school thing much it wasn't anything wrong I just prefered to be at home and do my own thing) but in her friendship group she may be the grown up one they all go to for comfort or the funny one or any other personality she chooses as that is how she fits in with them.
If you have instilled her with appropriate emotional wellbeing and a set of values and knowledge surrounding that (i.e. even if you don't think she's interested in boys the sex ed talk is an important one if purely from the view that she isn't stood in the break area listening to a load of dribble from her peers wondering if what there saying is right) then trust her to be sensible in her actions and for her to decide when it's appropriate for her to tell you about any potential boyfriend. You never know once that respect is given and she knows that she is supported by her mum and dad she may just surprise you with a maturity you didn't know existed.