Daughter lying about boys, keeping secrets

Glen0000

Our daughter is 13 and had never shown an interest in boys. No posters in her room, no talk of crushes. My wife was a little worried, but we did not get too concerned. Whenever we mentioned boys, kissing, she just said "yuck" etc. We thought she was possibly a late bloomer.

To cut a very long story short our daughter was caught kissing a boy in his room, a brother of one of her friends. She was at the friends house playing. The mum is a good friend of ours and came around to tell us about it today. The boy, who is 14 had been grounded. This happened yesterday and our daughter seemed very normal when she returned from her friends and has made no mention at all of it.

My wife has just been on our daughters msn history. Lots of talk of loving this boy etc. Seems she has been "going out" with him for about 6 months. We are floored by this and need to know how to deal with it. What is most upsetting for my wife is that she kept this boyfriend a secret. How do we deal with this without pushing her away?

Threebabes

I would leave it. Shes a teenager, I imagine boys are embarrasing to talk about. My son is 13, 14 in Nov and hes not interested (as far as I know) in girls but when we tease him about girls he blushes and walks away, Im sure if he had a girlfriend we would be the last people to know.

foreign_correspondent

She is 13 and has kissed a boy... so, she is normal, experiencing normal teenage emotions and interests - its sad that she cant talk to you about this, but I don't expect her mum reading her msn correspondence will do much to engender an attitude of trust and openness, sadly.

I seem to remember you posting a thread about what a dissapointment she was to you ages ago...? - that she was lazy, untidy and not academic - I fully expect she will pick up on your lack of approval for her, and this will make anyone who is kind to her and makes her feel good about herself very appealing.

You need to win her trust and show her you approve of her and tell her she is loved and you are proud of her before she can be open and honest with you, and talk to you about feelings which are ultimately very personal and intimate.

Glamazon

I couldn't imagine anything worse than talking to my parents about this sort of thing at 14 :eek: and my parents were very easy going and I could have talked to them if I wanted to but I didn't want to tell them about my interest in boys (plus it changed on a daily basis :rotfl:)
I was mortified once when I got dumped by answerphone (this was before mobiles) so got home to a message 'You're dumped' - they didn't even know I had a boyfriend!

Your post doesn't indicate she has lied, just that she hasn't expressed an interest in boys before now.
I guess you could just tell her that her friends mum has told you what happened and she's not in trouble but you just wanted to talk about it and see what she says.

scubaangel

Im 24 and hate to talk to my family about my OH esp when we first got together - when I was in my teens I simply didnt want my family 'prying' in to my personal life, so just didnt tell them anything even though they must have known what was going on.

I'm not a parent but if you and the boyfriends parents and you both know about it, then talk to them about keeping a discrete eye on the pair of them, don't question or query closely in to who he is etc as that's likely to put her back up even more, she'll come around in her own time and tell you as much as she's happy to when shes ready.

robpw2

omg a 13 year old kisisng a boy .. what were his parents thinking allowing a 13 year old girl into his bedroom however kissing a boy no wondered they grounded him for doing something pretty normal .. whats the punishment for breathing in his house ..

I can imagine she wants to discuss anything like boys with you if this is how you react ...


my only advice would be to keep an eye on them to make sure that kissing doesnt lead further ..

HopeAndDriftWood

She needs to feel close to you, and that she can trust you, to want to share these things with you. Reading her MSN conversations and being disapproving won't help...

Maybe try to form a relationship with her by spending time out with her. Your wife could take her to a local cafe/garden center and eat in the restaurant with her. This is cheap, and will give them an opportunity to bond. After a few weeks, she might trust her mum enough to share important information like that with her.

ElliotReid

foreign_correspondent wrote: »

She is 13 and has kissed a boy... so, she is normal, experiencing normal teenage emotions and interests - its sad that she cant talk to you about this, but I don't expect her mum reading her msn correspondence will do much to engender an attitude of trust and openness, sadly.

Cor, I never talked about boys etc with my parents, nor did I let them in to my life and I turned out well.

The thought of sitting down ten years ago when I was 13 (well 14) and saying 'mum, dad. I have a boyfriend' is mortifying even now.

She's just a normal kid!

robpw2

ElliotReid wrote: »

Cor, I never talked about boys etc with my parents, nor did I let them in to my life and I turned out well.

The thought of sitting down ten years ago when I was 13 (well 14) and saying 'mum, dad. I have a boyfriend' is mortifying even now.

She's just a normal kid!

yes if i sat down with my mum and dad and told them i had a boyfriend at 13 it would have been very scary ( i didnt ) but even when i was 18 it was difficult to tell them i liked boys

at least knwo then know and i can hang the rainbow flags and pink rainbows without having to be asked ...:rotfl::rotfl:

gibboelli

foreign_correspondent wrote: »

She is 13 and has kissed a boy... so, she is normal, experiencing normal teenage emotions and interests - its sad that she cant talk to you about this, but I don't expect her mum reading her msn correspondence will do much to engender an attitude of trust and openness, sadly.

I seem to remember you posting a thread about what a dissapointment she was to you ages ago...? - that she was lazy, untidy and not academic - I fully expect she will pick up on your lack of approval for her, and this will make anyone who is kind to her and makes her feel good about herself very appealing.

You need to win her trust and show her you approve of her and tell her she is loved and you are proud of her before she can be open and honest with you, and talk to you about feelings which are ultimately very personal and intimate.

Couldnt agree with this more, I'd be far more horrified that my mother reading my MSN history and would make me tell them even less. Whats wrong with 13 and 14 year olds kissing? They're teenagers, I think some kissing is alot less concerning then smoking/taking drugs/ racking up asbo's. If doing something as innocent as kissing a boy you like gets this reaction no wonder she doesnt tell you anything!

Elspeth

I second 'normal' and caution against a strong reaction of any sort. I would rather have pulled out my own fingernails than spoken to my parents about boys at that age (and still prefer them to have the edited version of my love life TBH).

I cringe to think now of some of the things I got up to, but seem to have turned out ok (happy relationship with long-term bloke with whom about to buy a house).