Daughter lying about boys, keeping secrets

Glen0000

foreign_correspondent wrote: »

First love is often a bitter-sweet experience.

Yes, my wife and I were young when we met and her parents disapproval drove us together which led to a teen pregnany. We do not want out daughter to go down the same path and need to know how to handle this best.

dieselhead

Agree with all the above she sounds perfectly normal to me, snogging a boy at 13 made me feel incredibly grown up (although sex never crossed my mind) I think my mum and dad were aware and a little friendly teasing took place. I could never have owned up to all the new feelings that I was having, far too embarrassing.

Don't worry she sounds completely normal, although it may be wise to make sure that she is fully aware of the facts of life!

Glamazon

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

But it isn't necessarily acceptable, it isn't to Glenn and it isn't to the boy's mother! That's what counts.

I did say I wasn't condoning it or saying it is acceptable just pointing out that things have changed over the years since Glen would have been 14.

Agree with FC - kissing is private and although I'm not a parent yet I would rather my child was having a cheeky snog in her mates house rather than out behind the bike sheds!

Glen0000

scubaangel wrote: »

I think with regard to her having been in his room its down to where would you rather she was?
Out in a park/street or in the family home - be it his our yours? I would imagine you or his parents are more able to supervise in a home, but could you ban them from being in bedrooms in favour of being alone in a separate sitting room type arrangement?

Gosh you are posh! Only one sitting room in this house!!!!!

Gavin83

Why do you feel she has to share this information with you? Most kids like to keep their personal life secret from their parents, it's just the way teenagers are. They find it embarassing more than anything.

Im not quite sure what you mean by asking how to deal with this either. She certainly shouldn't be punished or even told off for it, she's done nothing wrong. I think all you should really do is tell her that the other mother told you about her boyfriend and that your happy she's found a boyfriend and tell her she's more than welcome to bring him over for dinner, etc.

If you want her to be more open in the future you need to be accepting and happy without being too pushy.

Oldernotwiser

I think the problem here is that the situation was unexpected. Glenn speaks of his daughter "playing" at a friends house and so they were probably less supervised in his room than they would have been if it had been known that they were boyfriend and girlfriend.

Now that the parents realise their children are growing up, they can accept that and change the level of supervision required.

foreign_correspondent

Glen0000 wrote: »

Yes, my wife and I were young when we met and her parents disapproval drove us together which led to a teen pregnany. We do not want out daughter to go down the same path and need to know how to handle this best.

Is there anyone else in the family she can talk to who will respect her feelings, and maybe who she can chat to in confidence?

I couldnt have talked to my mum about this sort of thing, but I was perhaps a little more able to talk to my Auntie, mainly because I knew she wouldnt 'drop me in it' and would offer me good advice? However, I was quite a private teenager, and still am as an adult in many ways, and dont open up lots - however, aspirations and knowledge are the perhaps best preventitives for teenage pregnancy.

I would encourage the lad to pop round to yours to pick her up and get to know him a litte (no third degree interrogations though, poor kid!) and just let her know you are not horrified at the thought of her having a boyfriend.

The more shocked and dissaproving you appear to be, the more private and secretive she will feel she needs to be.

Oldernotwiser

Glamazon wrote: »

I did say I wasn't condoning it or saying it is acceptable just pointing out that things have changed over the years since Glen would have been 14.

Sorry to nitpick, but you did say "what was unacceptable then is now". My point was "acceptable to whom?"

lostinrates

Glen0000 wrote: »

Gosh you are posh! Only one sitting room in this house!!!!!

Bedroom it will have to be then, but how about an open door policy? Door wide open but perhaps a ribbon/beaded curtain for some discretion?

My opinion is that kissing alone in a bedroom is not bad at all, but I do think, with time and fondness it would be saintly to not be curious to explore a little further. I'd say to her you are so pleased for her to have a nice boyfriend, but that you love her, and you want it to work for her to enjoy time with him but also be safe and that as your parents its your duty to be a little concerned, and that while he is welcome, the doors stay open: and ask other mother to do the same.

How lovely that you get on well with other mother! Easy to ensure similar ground rules for first love.

foreign_correspondent

dieselhead wrote: »

Don't worry she sounds completely normal, although it may be wise to make sure that she is fully aware of the facts of life!

I agree, although this needs to be done carefully - and not apearing to be as a result of this kissing - otherwise she may well feel you expect the 'worst' of her...

I presume she has had some sex ed/sexual health info at school? As others have said, there is a million miles for most 13 year olds between a bit of snogging and going any further...