Daughter lying about boys, keeping secrets

Glamazon

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Sorry to nitpick, but you did say "what was unacceptable then is now". My point was "acceptable to whom?"

Sorry, I shall ensure I fully explain myself in future

A snog at 13 is surely acceptable these days to most parents - with the amount of lust and sex on the TV compared with years ago kids know far more than they should hence high teen pregnancy rates.

I think FC has an excellent point about aspirations - I wanted a career and knew that I wanted to be so much more than the other girls I was friends with who had babies at 16. I didn't even think about babies until December last year (age 25) and was very lucky to get pregnant straightaway.

scubaangel

lostinrates wrote: »

Bedroom it will have to be then, but how about an open door policy? Door wide open but perhaps a ribbon/beaded curtain for some discretion?

My opinion is that kissing alone in a bedroom is not bad at all, but I do think, with time and fondness it would be saintly to not be curious to explore a little further. I'd say to her you are so pleased for her to have a nice boyfriend, but that you love her, and you want it to work for her to enjoy time with him but also be safe and that as your parents its your duty to be a little concerned, and that while he is welcome, the doors stay open: and ask other mother to do the same.

How lovely that you get on well with other mother! Easy to ensure similar ground rules for first love.

Open door/parents keeping out the way in their own room or other rooms in the house that sort of thing? I realise it is rare to have more than one sitting room but unless the house is open plan theres usually some other 'reception' room around.

lostinrates

scubaangel wrote: »

Open door/parents keeping out the way in their own room or other rooms in the house that sort of thing? I realise it is rare to have more than one sitting room but unless the house is open plan theres usually some other 'reception' room around.

If I were the parents I wouldn't ''skulk'' in a kitchen or bedroom to keep out of the kids way. Thats why I'd give them the half way point of privacy. I'd also probably keep the other doors in the house open so I was half tuned in to what was going on without needing to peer in or be weirdly over interested.

I'd rather they were in a home than sitting snogging on a park bench. It also might be a time to heal some cracks in a elationship that in reading here seems a little strained between parent and child. Understanding and love, with a little perceived comprimise might go a long way.
(Iam not a parent, but I was a teenager!)

listerofsmeg_2

I was so embarrassed about boys as a teenager and I told my parents 'yuck' whenever they talked about it. I never told my mum about any boyfriends until I was 19! I had a firm (and not unfounded) belief they would 'take the !!!!' and tell my brother and then he'd 'take the !!!!' as well. Also, with all the 'yuck' comments I felt I had backed myself into a corner and I was too proud to admit I'd go back on what I'd said some years earlier!

I wonder if your daughter is feeling the way I did? It's important to deal with this sort of thing sensitively, and NOT talk about it at the dinner table in front of siblings (which is what my parents would have done). It's a highly embarrasing subject!

GracieP

Glen0000 wrote: »

Gosh you are posh! Only one sitting room in this house!!!!!

This is why I can never understand the attraction of open plan living. My old house had two living rooms and friends would always suggest we knock the two rooms into one, which does tend to be the fashion. My response was always that one day when my (potential) 14 year old daughter takes her 16 year old boyfriend home to watch a movie I wouldn't want to be sending them to a room on a different floor to me with a bed in it.

Having a separate playroom/teenagers den will always be a priority in any house I buy, and I'll be putting walls back up if the former owner has knocked two rooms into one. It solves all problems like this.

Oldernotwiser

I've never been offered so many cups of tea as when I was a teenager with a boyfriend visiting in my room!

Poppy9

I've got a second sitting room and if DD brings a boy home that's where she will be allowed to take him. She might find it strange that I feel a need to garden or wash the patio doors while he's visiting, especially if it's after dark though:D

The bedroom is a big no no. To me having a bed to lie on suggests possibility and in a way permission by the parents to get it together by providing the bed.

SugarSpun

I'd tell her that the other mother told you what happened, you're delighted that she has a boyfriend and if she wants to bring him round that's fine - but if they're in her bedroom the door must stay open because even though you trust her and don't intend to spy on her* you love her and don't want the same situation that you found yourselves in to happen to her.

*going through her MSN logs never happened and must never be mentioned.

Jakg

Glen0000 wrote: »

The boy, who is 14 had been grounded. This happened yesterday and our daughter seemed very normal when she returned from her friends and has made no mention at all of it.

Shock, horror!

I honestly don't see what reason you have to ground a child over kissing a girl - what message does that send out to the boy? And to your daughter?

Glen0000 wrote: »

My wife has just been on our daughters msn history. Lots of talk of loving this boy etc. Seems she has been "going out" with him for about 6 months. We are floored by this and need to know how to deal with it. What is most upsetting for my wife is that she kept this boyfriend a secret. How do we deal with this without pushing her away?

Maybe you shouldn't have been snooping through her MSN history? (would you bug her room?!).

If you give an attitude that something natural (romance) is bad, then obviously she's not going to tell you if she's fallen for someone, as it's a natural urge.




When I was 15 my Dad came into my room drunk one night and bragged he'd read through all of my MSN conversation history and how he knew all this stuff about me from PRIVATE conversations between me and other people. I wasn't trying to keep secrets - but thats crossing the line. He even had the cheek to complain when i'd put a password on my PC!

I didn't talk to my parents about getting a girlfriend and what was happening in my personal life because my Dad got too involved and would try to pressure me to do things. Most people don't tell their parents at that age - I don't think you'd be that happy and maybe thats what she was trying to avoid.

This spoken as a 17 year old

EDIT - When I first stayed over the GF's house being forced to sleep on the floor didn't put me on or off the idea of sex - and the idea of sleeping next to her (kicking & snoring et all :P) didn't magically make me want to have sex with her either.

If teens want to have sex (which, lets face it - they will at some point in their teenage lives) I don't think theres that much you can do to stop them - rather make sure they understand the risks etc.

mspig

Sorry i fail to see the problem - i had my first kiss at 11 and have been alone in many boys bedrooms but never went any further than kissing until i turned 17.
I think this is down to trust and it clearly shows that you don't trust your daughter or you wouldn't be behaving in such a manner as to check her msn detail.
Grounding is way too harsh as she is doing something that unfortunately to us parents does come naturally with age. And also by punishing her for it you are sending out messages that its wrong to be interested in boys and to have a kiss which it isn't.

If she had been caught having sex then i could see the problem but i feel that your making it out to be more than it is. At 13 i had a "relationship"(if you can call it that at that age" with my boyfriend for over 6mths.