Advice on maybe cheating other half

scottishchick27

Pssst wrote: »

Duuuuhhhhh.." a man is like a carpet. Lay him well and you can walk all over him..."

"the way to a mans heart is through his stomach" (but you'd need a very long knife. ) :rotfl:

Good luck OP, hope it all works out well.

LouBlue

scottishchick27 wrote: »

"the way to a mans heart is through his stomach" (but you'd need a very long knife. ) :rotfl:

:eek::rotfl:


Hope you sort it out OP, keep us posted. xx

JoJoB

Nikabella wrote: »

The OP hasn't done anything to try & own or control her OH. If a person is acting suspiciously & being secretive then it is not unexpected that the OP would feel the need to explore the situation. These are not normal characteristics in a healthy, loving relationship, clearly the OP does want to be in the relationship & she is trying to find out if her OH feels the same.

There are lots of people who stay in relationships whilst conducting affairs & the like, some clearly do not want to be in the relationship, but rather than leave honourably they drag their OH into lies & confusion.

In a healthy, loving relationship you would want to reassure your OH & would be shocked & worried if they thought you were cheating & you weren't. As an innocent person, with nothing to hide, I would provide anything my OH wanted to see to reassure him should he ever think that I was cheating as it would break my heart to think he felt that way. I agree with garthdp that openness, honesty & respect are the most important things in any healthy relationship. I hope the OP's OH hasn't been behaving inappropriately but if he has & can admit to this then it can be worked through if both parties are prepared to put the work in. Finding your out your OH has been lying to you is devastating - my thoughts are with the OP.

I agree! You quoted someone's opinions and put my name to them tho, making me look like I was having a go at the OP. I fully support the OP's actions in this situation!

And yes, far too many man-haters on here. Cheating is not a man-thing, plenty of women do it too. I did it, during a disgraceful episode in my life, when I was unhappy for various reasons in my relationship and was doing lots of drugs, and going through the stress of bankruptcy. It was a mini-breakdown really. I would never ever do it again having seen the pain and devastation it causes, and me and OH had to work damn hard together to build something good and new out of the wreckage.

Some people, deep down, have self-esteem issues which mean they will always the thrill of sex to make them feel good about themselves. These are the poeple who IMO will be cheaters for life, or at least until they have some sort of "lightbulb" moment. Then there are those who are having some sort of crisis and seeking escape as a response to problems in their marriage/partnership. It's up to the OP to figure out which group her partner belongs to and if the problems involved can be sorted out. It takes a huge amount of will to even think about forgiving this sort of thing though, particularly if the culprit hasn't come clean by himself but been discovered.

CarliJ

Well everyone on here seems to be having a debate!

So i got home and he got in about 7.30ish. we had dinner then i said to him that i did feel ashamed to say this but i looked at your phone on Saturday night whilst you were in the shower, and found the said text message from your work collegue. he went all angry at me for invading his privicy but then he told me that the text message wasnt meant for him, and that this work collegue has been playing away from her husband with one of his other work collegues and she sent the text message accidently to him instead of the other man. I said that why didnt he tell me that she had text him, to which he replyed that he didnt think he needed to as it wasnt for him anyway, and that he would never cheat on me, as thats what happened to his dad when he was a young boy and couldnt do it to me. I believe him, although i did ask why he took his phone everywhere he went, and thats why i had to look and he said its only because just in case his grandad phones him (he is in his 80 and a bit doddery) and needs him asap.

So there you have it, we actually communicated and guess what thats what we should have done a long time ago! :rolleyes: I have already said to him that i wont be looking on his phone any longer, to which he replied that he wouldnt mind if i did as he has nothing to hide.

Everyone thanks for your comments, constructive and otherwise, it has helped me more than you can ever know.

C xx

Pssst

Hi CarliJ.

I really feel terrible for saying this so please dont pay me too much heed but as a man, i dont tend to believe him.

I suspect that you are posting this latest update to test the water as to what people think of his explanation ?

If i had been in his position and my partner had said she had looked at my phone and found x,y,z...I would not have felt aggrieved and ranted about privacy. I'd have just mused at my partners over active imagination and carried on with my meal !

Its a bit like a friend who mentioned something about having gone in a lap dancing bar with his mates. His wife knew about it. I said didnt she mind...and he said "oh no..she just said that if i was daft enough to pay to watch then go ahead"

I think he protested too much. Hope im wrong but then i think you know that anyway CarliJ? Best of luck

GC81

Well Carli if you are happy with what you and your OH talked about then no-one elses opinion matters, personally I think he's lying, but thats because its what happened to me with my ex, he was telling me several times texts werent for him, but they were, took his phone everywhere (yes, toilet, bath, the lot) pretty much what you found, about things not happening again and the like.
I doubt you'd find anything else on his phone now as it will get deleted as soon as he gets anything (accidental or otherwise) he wouldnt risk you finding anything else, innocent or not.

Best wishes for you, I hope you can build the trust back.

TotallyBroke

CarliJ wrote: »

Well everyone on here seems to be having a debate!

So i got home and he got in about 7.30ish. we had dinner then i said to him that i did feel ashamed to say this but i looked at your phone on Saturday night whilst you were in the shower, and found the said text message from your work collegue. he went all angry at me for invading his privicy but then he told me that the text message wasnt meant for him, and that this work collegue has been playing away from her husband with one of his other work collegues and she sent the text message accidently to him instead of the other man. I said that why didnt he tell me that she had text him, to which he replyed that he didnt think he needed to as it wasnt for him anyway, and that he would never cheat on me, as thats what happened to his dad when he was a young boy and couldnt do it to me. I believe him, although i did ask why he took his phone everywhere he went, and thats why i had to look and he said its only because just in case his grandad phones him (he is in his 80 and a bit doddery) and needs him asap.

So there you have it, we actually communicated and guess what thats what we should have done a long time ago! :rolleyes: I have already said to him that i wont be looking on his phone any longer, to which he replied that he wouldnt mind if i did as he has nothing to hide.

Everyone thanks for your comments, constructive and otherwise, it has helped me more than you can ever know.

C xx

TotallyBroke wrote: »

That is why I suggested to the OP to give him the option and tools to admit his possible wrong doing. Rather than confronting him. He is more likely to give the full truth if he believes it is his choice to do so, than if he is being accused.
Plus the text could've been sent to him in error, she maybe having an affair with a different collegue and he didn't delete from his phone because he wanted to show her the mistake she made. So many people have scrolled through their phone books and clicked send and it's been the wrong person.
I feel going in guns blazing will do more harm to their relationship than good.

But I still wish OP the very best of luck. I hope she is happy no matter what the outcome.

Well so long as you believe him that is all that matters. I'd actually start to worry more if he had a second phone. I know so many men that have one phone for friends and family and one for the other people in their lives.

Pssst

TotallyBroke wrote: »

Well so long as you believe him that is all that matters. I'd actually start to worry more if he had a second phone. I know so many men that have one phone for friends and family and one for the other people in their lives.

Oh yes..the old second phone ploy. A good way to sometimes sniff them out is to do a bluetooth search for other devices in the vicinity and see what pops up!

DaveLy

He is lying to you.

Not meant for him? Sure, like this woman would carelessly send a message that she was cheating to the wrong work mate. Talk about gossip at work, it all coming out etc. The very thing the message from her says it doesn't want to happen.

You put him on the spot, he used that time of "you invaded your privacy" arguement simply to think up the best excuse possible.

The "as thats what happened to his dad when he was a young boy and couldnt do it to me", is a load of bull, it's a line he feels that not only is 'evidence' against him cheating but it's also used to gain sympathy, as you are now meant to feel sorry for him. (Statistically speaking your more likely to have a string of unstable relationships if your parents weren't stable themselves to set an example.)

Manipulation 101.

Why do I say this? I'm a bloke with a lot of experience.

Dave101t

if you have been together 5 years and have no secrets, then you should say to him "look, we have been together for 5 years and are supposed to have no secrets but..."

if he has nothing to hide he will be highly offended, but understand your concern and you can move on.

if there is something going on, you need to know. dont wait, ask him the next time you see him.