Its ok , so he thinks ......

july73

RoxieW wrote: »

Dear Mandi - please read my thread on this board 'massive family storm brewing' (if someone could link it I'd appreciate it cos I'm rubbish.)

Hi RoxieW I have been posting on your thread also today and hope things are a little better.

I have tried to do the link for you. Hope it works:o

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=1341199

It did!!!

jay11_2

Mandi babe, I am sooo glad you are out of it!!!! WELL DONE HUN

You know that hitting isn't right, remember the mum who won't even smack her kids?! You so don't want your gorgeous boys to think that hitting someone they love is OK, do you. You also don't want them to be scared of what he'll do to you, or be left motherless--all it takes is one hard slap/punch to send you flying, against a hard corner! When you miss him imagine your boys at your funeral.

Nonetheless, you are one brave mama for getting out. WELL DONE BABE!!! There'll be other men, and if not you'll be fine and happy anyway, at least you're alive and not brain damaged or seriously injured!!!

Take care hun, love, Jay xx

Mutter_2

"Mandi babe, I am sooo glad you are out of it!!!! WELL DONE HUN"

Must have missed a post methinks.
If Mandi has come to her senses, then well done.

Mandi, the easy part is stopping. Ask any addict, whether it be be smoking, drinking or whatever.
You have stopped.
The worst part is staying stopped.
I am sure that I speak for all on here who wish to see you safe.

Please post, whenever you need to.

moggylover

Mandi, I have only just spotted this thread, and I am horrified! You are a lovely, fun and bouncy lady. You deserve so much more. Drink is only the excuse that these creatures use: the violence is there within them and unless they WANT to make themselves different they never ever do: and trust your (very) old mate here - I have been there and it doesn't get better.

I know exactly how hard it is to leave, the jekyl and hyde factor is huge, lovely guy when sober, complete shoite when drinking. But you cannot stay because Mr Hyde gets stronger when you do. Better your heart breaks than your neck my love! He will never change within the dynamics of YOUR relationship because he knows he CAN do it to you. My ex and I split up two or three times before I finally realised that he was never going to change for ME because I had already shown that he could hit me:o .

In 1991, my friend was murdered by her husband, he tried to strangle her, and when she continued to breathe he stabbed her with a kitchen knife. Do not be a statistic of that kind. My own ex used to beg me to return, leave me presents around the house, and turn back into an animal once a couple of pints had been sunk.

You need to love yourself: you need to tell yourself firmly that you are not going to take this behaviour because you are worth more and because your kids are worth more.

I wish I could give you a hug and tell you it is easy. It isn't, and it does hurt, but after a while it sort of goes numb for a while and then you realise how much more calm and at peace you are, and then you start to rebuild. Do not be tempted to push the pace, just enjoy your kids and your friends and grow stronger each day.

You know where I am, pm me if you need to (cos I am always around at funny times:o ) and know that I am hugging you hard right now, even if only over the net. If I could I would get in the car and come and get you and give you the hug and the break you so obviously need.:o

mandi

aw, my goodness , so many nice , thoughtful, and kind posts have brought the tears on again . Thank you all ssooo much .

I have no family , as some of you know we stopped speaking a long time ago ,and my freinds , somehow fell by the wayside .. So you have no idea how much your replies mean to me honestly .

My boys are Honestly fine, and free from danger ( but he wouldnt hurt them , Im sure of that ), this only happens when hes been drinking, and thay arent here. However my oldest knows , somehow I think that hes picked up on my feelings .. Im not sure how.

Moggy your right, he told me the only answer is to stop drinking , and I still belive that . What I cant accept or understand is why accept for one occasion , he never says hes sorry , and I just have accepted that ...Usually getting up the next day as if nothing happened the night before .....

I suppose in a way now I think about it , its condoned his actions.

He hasnt contacted me , in fact went out on Saturday night.

I dont want to make him out to be a cruel , nasty person , hes quite the opposite.. Its like I said too many glasses of wine , and I dont know if hes gonna be the happy or angry drunk.. and thats what scares me .

If it was once maybe , twice possibly , but Ive lost count now .....


Mandi

moggylover

The thing you have to remember Mandi is that the lack of respect and the violence is NOT the drink, it is there inside him all the time, the drink just lowers his boundaries so that he feels "free" enough to lash out at you.

The situation is dangerous for him as well as you, and he needs to get help with his own problems of why he does it, not necessarily why he drinks.

I know you think he will never harm your kids, but trust me they will pick up on things being bad within your relationship from time to time and that doesn't do them any good.

You are a strong and lovely lady! You come on threads and make us all laugh. You are worth SO much more than this from life, and you can do it! I understand about how the friends sort of drift away in life, but you can make more friends, and you can just wallow in enjoying your kids. I mean really enjoying them and talking to them instead of him and spending real time with them. I know it is then hard once they have gone to bed: but make sure you use that time for things you could not or would not do if he were there. That long soak in a lovely smelly bath, the programme he couldn't stand. As you do not live together full time it will not be quite as bad as it would have been had you been used to having him there 7 nights a week.

You have the house in your name, you are obviously financially independent. IF you allow him back, and allow him to live with you IT WILL GET WORSE. Much Worse, and in ways you just do not want to know about. The more control he feels he has over you, the more he will use it!

I really do have to go to bed now - have been waiting for you to post cos I knew you were on line, but back is screaming now and I have to go and put a hot water bottle on it and get it straight:o .

Will be back in the morning - and as I said, you can always pm me. Hold your head up: you have nothing to blame yourself for, and you just have to stop remembering any of the good times and only allow yourself to think of the pain and humiliation of laying on the floor having your head banged! NO-ONE is worth that.

Hugs Mandi, huge ones! Please don't despair - I promise it gets better fairly quickly really, and there are many of us on here who will give you lots and lots of support. Go and try to get some sleep sweetheart, and before you do take a peak at your kids and tell yourself that THEY deserve to have their mum safe and sound.

More hugs, cos I ache for you at the moment:o
Moggy

yoni_one

mandi wrote: »

Moggy your right, he told me the only answer is to stop drinking , and I still belive that . What I cant accept or understand is why accept for one occasion , he never says hes sorry , and I just have accepted that ...Usually getting up the next day as if nothing happened the night before .....

I suppose in a way now I think about it , its condoned his actions...

I dont want to make him out to be a cruel , nasty person , hes quite the opposite.. Its like I said too many glasses of wine , and I dont know if hes gonna be the happy or angry drunk.. and thats what scares me .

If it was once maybe , twice possibly , but Ive lost count now ...

Mandi, you do know in your heart that alcohol is not responsible for his actions don't you? He already knows he can get violent when he has had a drink and yet he is sober when he chooses to have a drink and take the risk of him hurting you.

I really understand what you are saying about him being the opposite of a cruel and nasty person. I would think he must have plenty of endearing qualities about him for you to love him so much.

Women who choose to stay in abusive relationships do so for many reasons and one we frequently hear is that he is such a lovely guy when he is not hurting them, they think that if only they could behave in the right way he would be pleased with them and not hurt them at all, it's just finding that perfect way that is difficult.

The reason it is difficult is because 'the perfect way' does not exist.

A perpetrator of domestic violence will find a way of excusing his abuse no matter how his target behaves. It's the drink, he is stressed, you shouldn't say, do or look at him in the wrong way that makes him get violent etc.

But why should someone have to live their life in fear of putting a foot 'wrong' and then punished severely just for being there?

I suspect the reason why he doesn't say sorry and pretends it hasn't happened is because it is easier for him to live with denial and avoidance than confront the monster he knows is in him and yes the fact you don't say anything either may validate in his mind that it isn't as bad or as potentially life threatening as really is. That said, you need to think of what risk you might put yourself in if you did challenge him.

DKLS

Alchohol can be such a destructive drug, I am convinced if it was invented now, it would become a class A drug. The 'Stella' defence is no excuse for violence under any circumstances.

Luckily I have only encountered DV a couple of times, Once my friend was hit by her oh, she ran round to her friends house, who happened to be a butch lesbian, built like a prop forward playing for Castleford.

She promptly taught him the error of his ways, I saw him in the pub 2 days later bragging "how 3 lads jumped him and he fought them off", when he went to the loo, I told the pub the truth, on his return, all the customers turned their back to him, and the landlady told him his sort wasnt welcome.

The other occasion, ended ok as well, as my other friend discovered exactly how loyal bull terriers can be. :rolleyes:

Mandi, violence is never acceptible under any circumstance, and is not what should happen in a good relationship where you are an equal.
Hang on in there, you are so much stronger than what you think you are, and as seen on the numerous posts on this thread, you will never be short of an ear or a shoulder.

Emmzi

Mandi, just wanted to send good wishes and reassure you that you ARE strong enough - you have to be for your kids. Your feeling smay take some time to die away, but you know what you need to do for your family, and they have to come first.

Hugs.

xx

wannabe_sybil

james10999 wrote: »

I absolutely do not hit my boyfriend!!

I am quite shocked people are so horrifed with my response. I know the clear cut answer is to leave, and by that reckoning will be the most obvious advise anyone could give, however no one will ever know the background about this case.

I'd suggest you stay with him but put up secert cameras in the house. That way if he does it again you have evidence of what he's doing to you!

I am just giving other options of what you can do. At the end of the day it's your decision and no-one elses. All this forum shows you is some words on a screen from some random people on the internet you will never meet. The choices are yours to take.

I am sorry that you are upset that people have criticised your advise, but it is exactly what an abuser would say. Why are you making a fuss? It's only a few bruises (domestic violence escalates). I'm being nice to you now. It's your fault, anyway, you should stand up to me.

Your advice flies in the face of all recommendations by police, health professionals (the ones that have to treat the victims of violence when they are hospitalised), specialists in the area and those who have lived through it.

I honestly believe that people should work at partnerships, should try and work things out. There are a lot of resources out there, such as Relate. I am sure everyone has seen people giving up too easily on a partner. However when it becomes violent then I think a different approach is required.