Its ok , so he thinks ......

laurenjs88

Stephb1986 wrote: »

No its less worse. Any man should not hit a woman not even if she hits him. And no woman should hit a man

So just to clarify are you saying it is more acceptable for a woman to hit a man than vice versa, or was that a slip of phrase, i assume you meant to write ITS NO less worse?

Not wanting to Hijack Mandi's thread, but just to make it clear as i am sure there are many men that have been on the recieving end of violence from "weaker little women" who have come away from the relationship just as damaged...

yoni_one

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stephb1986
No woman deserves to be hit, no matter what.

Quote:
Originally Posted by laurenjs88 - I don't think thats true and a very sweeping statement on DV. If a woman smacks a bloke as hard as she can in the face because she is angry is it any worse than a man doing it?

Lauren, domestic violence is wrong full stop. I agree with Steph that no woman deserves to be hit, no matter what. I agree with you also, if a woman has smacked someone full on in the face due to her own anger then it isn't any worse or better than a man doing it although in terms of strength depending on the person the consequences may not be as great, and in terms of risk of harm should the other person retaliate physically then I would judge that on the whole she would be at more risk of harm than a man may be due to the difference (on balance) in physical abilities.

However, when people discuss things in general, because there does not seem to be a word that includes both genders we often speak as though we are excluding one gender or the other - ie goodwill to all mankind, when god created man etc. Infact I have been with a group of women only and still been referred to as 'you guys'.

In the field of DV people generally tend to discuss it in terms of male perpetrators and female targets because statistically it happens significantly more in that direction than any other, however working in the field of DV it is clear that some women are perpetrators (some of the women who flee from domestic abuse are fleeing from their mother / mother-in-law / partner / daughter etc) and we are also aware that men are also targets with perpetrators being either male or female.

So although it may seem a sweeping statement, it is no more sweeping than the above statements that refer to women but exclude them in the language we use.

laurenjs88

yoni_one wrote: »

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stephb1986
No woman deserves to be hit, no matter what.

Quote:
Originally Posted by laurenjs88 - I don't think thats true and a very sweeping statement on DV. If a woman smacks a bloke as hard as she can in the face because she is angry is it any worse than a man doing it?

Lauren, domestic violence is wrong full stop. I agree with Steph that no woman deserves to be hit, no matter what. I agree with you also, if a woman has smacked someone full on in the face due to her own anger then it isn't any worse or better than a man doing it although in terms of strength depending on the person the consequences may not be as great, and in terms of risk of harm should the other person retaliate physically then I would judge that on the whole she would be at more risk of harm than a man may be due to the difference (on balance) in physical abilities.

However, when people discuss things in general, because there does not seem to be a word that includes both genders we often speak as though we are excluding one gender or the other - ie goodwill to all mankind, when god created man etc. Infact I have been with a group of women only and still been referred to as 'you guys'.

In the field of DV people generally tend to discuss it in terms of male perpetrators and female targets because statistically it happens significantly more in that direction than any other, however working in the field of DV it is clear that some women are perpetrators (some of the women who flee from domestic abuse are fleeing from their mother / mother-in-law / partner / daughter etc) and we are also aware that men are also targets with perpetrators being either male or female.

So although it may seem a sweeping statement, it is no more sweeping than the above statements that refer to women but exclude them in the language we use.

I agree with you completly, having been on both sides of the coins, Ive been hit first by a man and ive hit a man first. My feelings on the matter are that there is absolutely no difference in DV whether it is a woman hitting a man or a man hitting a woman. I've seen the affects DV has had on a man and his children also. Working in the sector of DV you must also know that the vast majority of DV against men goes un reported, as being hit by a woman is seen as the norm as we are not as strong...

I reguraly talk to women who think it is perfectly acceptable to hit their male partners when they are angry and try to rile their partner into hitting them back, because its not acceptable to hit a woman, but Hey you can go to town on your man...

My inital comment was that DV is 100% not acceptable by either a woman or a man. It is no better or worse whoever is the perpetrator, just 100% wrong.

thatgirlsam

mandi - babe are you scared or worried about being on your own, i used to be a bit like that- then one day i grew strong, don't know why or how but just wasn't afraid anymore- its great cos i am proud in the knowledge that im doing the right thing for my kids..... don't be scared to be single, and please, be strong.......... if you ever want to pm to chat you would be welcome... please, don't let someone hurt you again.

yoni_one

laurenjs88 wrote: »

Working in the sector of DV you must also know that the vast majority of DV against men goes un reported, as being hit by a woman is seen as the norm as we are not as strong...

I reguraly talk to women who think it is perfectly acceptable to hit their male partners when they are angry and try to rile their partner into hitting them back, because its not acceptable to hit a woman, but Hey you can go to town on your man... /quote]

Yes, I am fully aware that a significant amount of DV where men are the target goes unreported, I am also aware that a significant amount of DV where women are the target goes unreported too. Unfortunately I don't know the stats for men, I would think they are very difficult to gather, but for women the stats currently stand at around 35 experiences of DV on average before a target reports it.

What I am not aware of is the belief that it is ok for women to be violent towards men. I know it happens and I know there is a long way to go before men in this position can access equal support however things are moving forward in that field and it is at last on the political agenda.

I think you and I both read Stephs statement differently. She said no woman deserves to be hit no matter what. She didn't go on to say 'but men do' but I assume you took it to mean that when I just took it that she formed her comment aimed at the OP who is female.

Whatever, I would hope we are all singing from the sheet in accepting that no form of DV is acceptable, and any form of DV is potentially very damaging to the children.

OnceUponADream

I can't really add anything to this thread but I don't feel I can read and run.

Mandi you need to make a clean break and have no contact with your BF. In my understanding he is not the father of your kids so really there is no need for any contact. I have seen domestic voilence through the eyes of a child and thankfully it has made me a stronger person today and I can not tolerate it in any shape of form. Please Mandi do what is right for you and no one else and get out whilst you are still in once piece.

laurenjs88

yoni_one wrote: »

laurenjs88 wrote: »

Working in the sector of DV you must also know that the vast majority of DV against men goes un reported, as being hit by a woman is seen as the norm as we are not as strong...

I reguraly talk to women who think it is perfectly acceptable to hit their male partners when they are angry and try to rile their partner into hitting them back, because its not acceptable to hit a woman, but Hey you can go to town on your man... /quote]



What I am not aware of is the belief that it is ok for women to be violent towards men. I know it happens and I know there is a long way to go before men in this position can access equal support however things are moving forward in that field and it is at last on the political agenda.

I think you and I both read Stephs statement differently. She said no woman deserves to be hit no matter what. She didn't go on to say 'but men do' but I assume you took it to mean that when I just took it that she formed her comment aimed at the OP who is female.

Blimey, No my intention wasnt to belittle Stephs post at all! i took it to mean as it was, No woman should be hit EVER, i was just also pointing out that in that contrast to that Men shouldnt be either, and pointing out how wrong DV is as a whole.

But it is always worth when DV is spoken about bringing male victims into it and just upping the awareness, like there are only 3 male DV refuges in the whole of england..compared probably 5 in every city of the uk for woman??...

I left a post for Mandi earlier with my own experiences of DV and the affects its had on my DD.

DV against males is like fathers rights in family courts, the last on a very long list of the things the government may never get round to sorting.

I would just like to make clear i was also in no way sticking up for Mandi's partners behaviour.

skintchick

Mandi
Big hugs. Honey change the locks and stop him coming anywhere near you. No-one deserves to be hit, and to pin you on the floor? That's appalling.
xxx

mandi

I just wanted to say thank you soo much for your reples. Im sat here crying my eyes out ... I know what your saying .thats why its hurting me ..

Its so difficult to end a relationship, with someone you love, even though they hurt you .. Until you,ve been there .

I know I sound crazy, mad , and a fool , and im old enough to know better .

I just need to know how I can stop loving him , so I can move on .

I keep touching the bumps on my head, and still I miss him .

Please dont judge me for feeling like this. sorry. I imagine lots of victims of domestic abuse feel the same way .. I dont know

Im confused

yoni_one

Mandi, yes the way you are feeling may confuse the heck out of you with your head and your heart at odds with each other but I promise you LOTS of the women I work with go through those emotions too. It really isn't unusual.

It is very difficult if not impossible to just stop loving someone, even when they intentionally hurt you however what is less difficult is learning how to cope with missing that person, learning how to challenge your thoughts when you are feeling weak, learning how to start thinking for yourself and living independently.

I cannot stress enough how much it helps to receive support on this journey, please contact the helpline and find out what is available in your area. No one will put pressure on you to do anything, and no one will judge you for feeling the way you do but what you will receive is lots of emotional support.

You do not have to go through this alone Mandi but you can only receive support if you ask for it.

I am so sorry you are feeling this pain, as many victims will testify, the longer term emotional pain is often far more difficult to deal with than the shorter term physical pain however it does heal eventually and many come out much stronger for having had the courage to face it.

Please get some help Mandi.