Its ok , so he thinks ......

Loz01

You have to try and end your relationship NOW before someone has to sit your two boys down and tell them their Mum has been killed by domestic violence. Dont let them go through that, walk away from this "man" and take back some control. If not for you sake, but for your two sons.

yoni_one

Mandi, as you will know only too well there are many physical and emotional barriers to leaving an abusive relationship however did you know that you can access support from Women's Aid even if you decide to stay in the relationship? I work for Women's Aid and we offer support in the community as well as safe refuge for women and children.

First and foremost your concern should be keeping yourself and your children as safe as possible, in or out of the relationship. A domestic violence and abuse outreach worker can help you assess this and plan how to stay as safe as possible in whatever situation you face.

If you are in immediate physical danger you need to try and get yourself as far away as possible or if that is not an option then in as safe a place within the house as possible and ring the police on 999. As you have no battery in your mobile think about which neighbour you could go to to use their phone. Scream from a window if you must to alert others to the danger you are in.

The Free phone 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline number is 0808 2000 247

Please think very carefully about the level of risk you face. Also, your partner may never hurt your children but hurting their mum is a form of child abuse as children cannot help but have very confused feelings and deep fears for your safety and their own.

They may also believe the hurting is in some way their fault. If you can communicate that it is never never their fault and never never their job to try and stop it or fix things this can help.

I strongly urge you to access professional support.

cobbingstones

Spirit wrote: »

I can still recall the intuitive fear I had, walking home from school at times, that my loving, but violent father would be knocking my mum around. My brother 's lng term mental health problems and inability to function in a settled family life are largely down to how we as children 'managed' the circumstances we were brought up in. We lived under a cloud, even if we did not witness it we knew of it from the atmostsphere.

I was not attacked as a child, but as i got older on getting between my father when he again went for my mother , I bore the finger marks around my neck where he tried to throttle me, on another ocassion he threw a pan of hot water over me as I moved in front of her. I could'nt leave home even then because I felt guilty at the thought of leaving my mum to this. I felt I had no choice, but to stay to try to protect her. The violence ended as he 'mellowed' in his fifties but peace was short lived as he died.

If your boyfriend is hitting you, I think you know what to do. If you do not want help for yourself, then please find a safer home for your children. Do it now, whilst they are young, you are choosing this, they have no choice.

((((((( ))))))))) hugs to you Spirit and all the others for being able to share such pain.

xxxxxxxx

laurenjs88

Mandi, do you think you deserved it?


I'm just curious, I was in an aggressive relationship when my ex used to "rape" me i eventually got into a frame of mind where i convinced myself that it was a punishment i deserved, whether there was violence, verbal abuse or other things i wont mention for months i belived that his behaviour was because i'd done or said the wrong thing.

It wasnt untill i left the relationship that i saw it for what it was i was 16 when we got together and for 3 years my life had been controlled and malnipulated by a guy with mental health problems himself, we split when i found out i was pregnant as things suddenly became real for both of us, we couldnt live in the fantasy that everything was alright anymore. I left and have occassionaly looked back and made the same mistake with him but certianly wont do it again.

I've had 2 relationships since then, one broke down last night actually, The most recent guy eerrm i'll call him "A" was the most fantastic, kindest, lovliest man on this planet but i cannot cope with him being so nice and expecting so much from me in return, the amount of times i've had to listen to him saying "Maybe you'd respond better if i smacked you about" Its enough to make you think, well for me anyway, actually i probably would respond better if you gave me a slap.

Falling into a negative experience is alot more comfortable than being in a positive one. That probably doesnt make any sense if you havent been in an aggressive relationship in the past.

With the "older ex" say "B" he was just a few months older than me where as "A" is 18 years older. B has ADHD and a learning disability which causes him to lash out loudly and aggressively as it is sometimes hard for him to express himself with words, he also doesnt have any inclination of empathy. So we used to have some right corkers of arguements, I am intelligent and quite well spoken, so would use alot of words he couldn't quite grasp, so i was either deliberatly winding him up, or if i tried to explain in a way he would understand i was calling him stupid!!

This esculated to us being violent with eachother because we just couldn't communicate, I ended up throwing him out after i saw the affect it was having on my daughter, she started to get angry when we were argueing and shout and just be generally destructive when we had calmed down.

I still love him very much but it cant work, its too easy for me to slip into being into a violent relationship and also i dread to think of the affect it would have on my daughter to watch as she grows up.

Point of all this is, It does affect your children & unless you get out of it and stay out of relationships like it, it will continue to affect you! Its not alright for either partner to, hit, kick, rape, abuse, belittle, steal or whatever else to another person... Let alone the person they profess to love!

Plum_Pie

Right, I'm not going to post links to any government or police statistics, but basically once your partner has physically attacked you, the chances of them murdering you greatly increase. Please consult women's aid or your local police station BEFORE you end it with him as women are most likely to be seriously injured by abusive partners during the splitting up period or just after.

Would you accept someone hitting one of your parents? Or one of your kids? Or even a mugging in the street? Violence is illegal.

SunnyGirl

Mandi my mother was an alcoholic and I just 'knew' that something wasn't right from being 3 yrs old. I know its a hard, scary road to take but you have got to leave this man. If you are in a house rented from your local authority they can move you because of safety reasons. I know this because it happened to my friend 4 years ago.

You say that his parents knows he hits you? I think that maybe his mother has been or is being hit by his father. Child psychology shows time and time again that a child learns more from watching their parents than we can ever teach them by talking. You don't want your children repeating this behaviour in the future.

Please think carefully about your future. Remember how you felt in the early hours of yesterday when you first posted your message. Take that pain and use it as strength to help you through.

Take care.

Stephb1986_2

No woman deserves to be hit, no matter what. You know what you need to do you dont need us lot to tell you what to do. I hope you find somewhere safe for you to stay. I know its a bad time to be on your own, do you have any family that you could stay with over christmas? I've just broken up with my fella and im in a bad way (not tried to kill myself or anything) but im just heartbroken.

I hope that you find somewhere in your heart and head that tells you to get out and never go back

Good luck

Steph xx

laurenjs88

Stephb1986 wrote: »

No woman deserves to be hit, no matter what.

I don't think thats true and a very sweeping statement on DV. If a woman smacks a bloke as hard as she can in the face because she is angry is it any worse than a man doing it?

Rikki

((((Hugs)))) Mandi

Stephb1986_2

laurenjs88 wrote: »

I don't think thats true and a very sweeping statement on DV. If a woman smacks a bloke as hard as she can in the face because she is angry is it any worse than a man doing it?

No its less worse. Any man should not hit a woman not even if she hits him. And no woman should hit a man