Its ok , so he thinks ......

aliasojo

I suspect you are hoping inside that he will just stop one day but why would that happen? For him, slapping you is an outlet for his anger/irritation/temper call it what you will. He knows it's wrong but it's a release for him and he's not going to stop unless something opens his eyes to a) just how wrong this really is and b) shows him an alternative way to cope with his anger.

That something has to be from an outside force because it sure as hell isn't going to be you that changes him, if that is what you are secretly hoping. People who hit others just dont wake up one morning and think that's it, I'm done now. They go on and on in the same way.Their violence is almost like a habit of behaviour they fall into and loads of people need help to break their bad habits.

The thing is though, you cant wait around continuing to be his 'outlet' You need to get enough strength from deep within you to finally say, 'that was the last one, I'm not letting you do that to me again'. If you want to save the relationship, force him to get help/counselling but preferably on his own time....make him move out until he can change, IF he can change. Not everyone can. If he cant/wont do anything about it then see him for what he is, someone who wont put the work in for you.

Your boys WILL be affected by this. Don't for one minute kid yourself that they wont be/dont see anything/dont hear anything etc. Kids are sponges, they soak up the vibes.

Please try to be strong and change this for you and them. Apparently statistics show that women will be hit on average 35 times before they finally move on. How many are you up to so far? Do you really want slapped or hit 35 times? Stop it. Now.

ceridwen

He doesnt even live with you - and you havent changed the locks and got an injunction to prevent him coming anywhere near you!!

I'm puzzled as well by that grin icon....

Well - as you've said....you know what you need to do.....

What is his big attraction? Errrr.....I wonder if I've just answered my own question......well....sex isnt the be-all and end-all......theres an awful lot else in life....

elaine373

Is your self esteem that low that you justify his behaviour as ok? you surely know its not acceptable and unlike some people,you dont have the joint tenancy problem, so get rid of him.He has become a bad habit.You need to break it, you might not think it affects your kids but it almost certainly does. You might think they dont know when he has hurt you, but i bet they do. Give yourself the best xmas present you could, kick him out!

mwa

Mandi

My husband is a domestic violence Police Officer and your story is what I hear from him day in, day out. Trust me when I say that unless you stop this relationship, it will end up with a very sorry ending. Just couple of years ago here a bloke strangled his wife in front of their 2 boys and they are now extremely messed up for life as their mum is dead and their dad is in prison. The 2 boys are now following the same pattern and showing abusive behaviour towards others - wonder where they got that from.

Your post suggests that you know this is a very very wrong situation (which I might add I have been in myself) and I am pretty sure that you know what you need to do, so please please do something about it now as he has no incentive to change and he will not change. You still have a life ahead of you, do something NOW or you could be looking back in 20 years and wishing you had.
MWA

silvercar

Sorry for you to be in this situation, as others have said get out while you can.

This thread really justifies the phrase, "If you've been hit once why wait for a second time?"

Errata

Mandi, you know what's happened in the past and what's happening now. You know what to do -do it before he kills you.

crispeater

mandi wrote: »

He would never hurt them , I know that. It just seems that when hes been drinking, he looses any self control............

i've been in a violent relationship and i'm 1 of very very few who have turned a corner with the violent partner and now its a nice relationship to be in. i always said to social services, police etc that he would never harm our children and as they said to me.. he might not intentionally hurt the children but if they hear mummy being hurt they will come down and try and protect you even if its saying 'daddy get off' it only takes for him to lunge at you and he hits a child instead by complete accident as it was intended for you.. then its a whole different matter.
my house has been non violent for well over a year but my daughter has lost that 'daddy' bond, she doesnt like sitting with him, cuddling him but loves him tucking her into bed. they may not of seen a lot buy crikey has it affected them (dd the most) emotionally and its so sad to see. i just hope 1 day she will forgive. dont let your boys suffer the same, its heartbreaking.

goodluck in what you decide

cobbingstones

Oh mandy I'm so sad to hear that this is happening. I wish you the courage and hope to be strong.

Research shows that it takes the "average" survivor of domestic violence seven years before they leave their partner.

With best wishes

MM

Money_maker

Take the children and go. Dont think about it, dont make excuses for him or you. Just go.
Or you will be just another tragic statistic.
Do it now.
And breathe again.
Good luck x

bestpud

Having watched a close relative go through this, I can tell you for sure your boys will be affected. It makes no difference whether it is in front of them, or even if they are in the house at the time - they will know.

It has taken five + years for her to get back to normal (and it as an absolute delight to see) but the children, her son in particular, is still suffering the consequences now.

It took her years to get the courage to leave and a good while after that before she could really see for herself the damage he had done to her (I'm talking psychological now as the physical stuff was the tip of the ice berg). Only now are we starting to realise what it has done to the children...

Please get out from there - he may not hit your children, but he is hurting them by abusing you. You may not see how much better your life could be until you are out of it but neither you or your children deserve to be in an environment like that.

I know none of this will make any difference if you don't want to leave but please think on it at least.