Its ok , so he thinks ......

july73

Mandi honey I'm pleased you found the strength within you to do the right thing. But I also know that this is going to be very hard for you and take a while to get where you need to be. So if at any time you feel any signs of weakness creeping in, then please seek advice on here if it helps. You have had so much support on hear, and I'm sure it will continue should you need it. So don't be afraid to ask.

All the best and keep strong xx

Pinzy

Gingham_Ribbon wrote: »

Mandi. I'm sorry. I really am.
I've been in a similar position to you, twice.
You love him. You really do. And maybe he loves you in his own fkd up way. But it's not enough. It really, really isn't and the simple fact is that you DESERVE more, you deserve better and you will be much, much happier once he's out of your life.

I lived with the second !!!!!! for 3 years before I stood up to him and kicked him out. I had to put up with various things afterwards that were humiliating and upsetting. He took my stuff, he broke in (using his key) with his father and went through all my things, even my underwear drawer was tipped out on the floor. He emptied the joint bank account. He continued to use the phone card knowing it was being charged to me.

However, there wasn't a single second that I regretted that decision and every stupid thing he did just made me stronger. Although he did hit me sometimes, it was mostly 'just' threats so I was never afraid of physical reprisals (from him. I was from the first one, so I broke up with him in public.)

Change the locks, honey and keep talking to anyone but him. Block his number on your phone. Don't answer the door unless you know who it is.

It'll hurt, because you're emotionally vulnerable. But it will be worth it. I PROMISE YOU.

I quoted that post because it seemed the clearest.

You do love him, you will grieve when he is gone, but it will pass. The worse thing is being left alone with your thoughts. Having just come out of a (nice) relationship, I spent the first 2 weeks staying up till stupid o'clock on my laptop in bed, till I fell asleep. Then bought magazines to read till I fell asleep. Of course, you end up feeling shtter because you're more tired, but reading yourself to sleep is better than crying yourself to sleep.
8 years ago I was in an abusive relationship, I was never actually hit, if I was sitting on the bed, the Ex would throw things onto the bed which would hit me 'by accident'. I nearly chucked him out after the incident where he had his hand round my throat.
(By the way, at every argument he'd bolt the front door, unplug the phone, and hide the mobile.) Even reading that statement now, I'm experiencing a new revelation of shock that I thought that was ok at the time.
What did it in the end, was us sitting in bed, chatting, I brought up the hand-round-throat incident, he tried to say he didn't do it (was also a compulsive liar), I said "don't you try to lie about that, don't you dare say you didn't do it", he just sat there and calm as you like, said "I should've squeezed".

I went into the bathroom, luckily decided to get out of the place when I did, grabbed my jeans, was just getting out of the front door as he was coming into the hall, put my jeans on outside (luckily was already wearing a nightshirt), walked across town in my bare feet to phone family for help (none came, but I got a call back at home). Thankfully he left. I think he knew that now it was out in the open, it was done with.
And I got off lightly. Very lightly compared to some people in Domestic Violence situations.

My family told me afterwards they had noticed that whenever a discussion started to get remotely robust, I'd try to calm things down immediately (obviously subconsciously scared of the consequences).

The other thing I remember mostly is how much I believed it was my fault for upsetting him, by doing the wrong thing (down to wearing the wrong coat or changing the channel). After I was out I realised how much I WASN'T WRONG.
It made me angry. It still irks me to think how he made me feel that I was in the wrong, how he made me feel it was my fault. Just little comments he sprinkled like "well if you hadn't annoyed me".
It doesn't upset me now, because I know that I'm free. I can do what I want and live without that constant worry.
Getting out of that relationship was the single most sensible thing I have ever done in my life.

Regarding the child issue - my earliest memory is of my dad smashing the glass panel in the front door. I also remember being up higher with mum picking glass out of the door afterwards. When I told mum about this, she was amazed because when it happened I was only 1 1/2 years old, she was carrying me when she was picking glass out of the door. Apparently back then I was in shock and didn't utter a sound for 3 days.
The point of this being he doesn't need to hurt the kids himself.

I'm not wanting to make any of this about me, but hope that my bit of story makes it more real. Many men are like this and it is wrong.

The thing is, as self-esteem gets diminished, so too can the confidence to spend time with other people. Friends can quite easily drift by the wayside. But the good thing is, as has been said, you can always make new friends. The freshest of starts.

People go back because change is scary, it takes a long time to adjust, but you can (and will) adjust. They get so used to something they think they can't learn another way. But you can, it is within all of us, isn't it worth it to try?

You were right about condoning it. If I'm late for work a lot and my boss doesn't say anything, I'll carry on. If he says something but I know he won't do anything about it, I'll still carry on. The principles are the same, if you allow someone to continue doing something, they won't stop. He thinks 'well she knows I've hurt her, but she still wants to see me, so it must be ok'. It's that simple.
He knows what he does when he drinks, yet he still chooses to have a drink.
Love isn't being wonderful and telling someone you love them, then get drunk knowing you'll physically hurt them.

In any relationship, abuse is a dealbreaker.
You are strong enough to get over this.
You are strong enough to deal with life on your own.
It is not your fault. (repeat)
Get support. You will need it. I know it sometimes feels a bit weird calling a stranger, but they will know what you need. Even if you feel embarrassed to start with, what's a small bit of embarrassment compared to the reward?
Only 1 chance at life, no rehearsals.

No matter how rubbish it feels when you think about leaving him, it must have felt worse when your head was pressed against that cold floor.

At least if you leave him you know it'll get better.
If you stay, the worry will always be there, forever.

Palm_Centro

((((((( ))))))))) hugs to you Spirit and all the others for being able to share such pain.

Spirit_2

mandi wrote: »

aw, my goodness , so many nice , thoughtful, and kind posts have brought the tears on again . Thank you all ssooo much .

I have no family , as some of you know we stopped speaking a long time ago ,and my freinds , somehow fell by the wayside ..

My boys are Honestly fine, and free from danger ( but he wouldnt hurt them , Im sure of that ), this only happens when hes been drinking, and thay arent here. However my oldest knows , somehow I think that hes picked up on my feelings .. Im not sure how.


I dont want to make him out to be a cruel , nasty person , hes quite the opposite.. Its like I said too many glasses of wine , and I dont know if hes gonna be the happy or angry drunk.. and thats what scares me .

If it was once maybe , twice possibly , but Ive lost count now .....


Mandi

1)DO you really believe your boys are "honestly fine" you are aware your oldest son knows, and you live in fear - this is not a nice environment.
2)Your bf is a bully who beats you up. Do not be an apologist for him. His behaviour is nasty, most people would think this behaviour is inexcusable/abhorrent/vile. I cannot think well of him.
3)The footnote on your postings "a hard man is good to find" now fills me with horror. What were you thinking? Go and tell your GP or your sons head teacher about your beatings and ask them for help.

You need support to put the safe and secure homelife for your family above your own need for this "love affair at any price".

squeaky

Just found this among my collection of quotes...

The best index to a person's character is
(a) how he treats people who can't do him any good, and
(b) how he treats people who can't fight back.
Abigail van Buren

Pinzy

I don't know you mandi, but from what people have said on here you come across as a vibrant person. Why let anybody diminish that.

Another thought I had was that you may need to fall out of love with him, though I imagine each time he hurts you it chips away a bit of your feelings. The fact that he hasn't even apologised before now speaks volumes about how much he actually cares for you, and how little respect he has for you.

When he looks at you with a face full of 'love', remember what that face looks like when he's about to lunge for you.

You can do it - and if you need a smile, remember Rob Schneider in the Adam Sandler films with his "you can Do it!". *hugs*
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=VZ2HcRl4wSk

Loz01

You have to get the strength to kick him out/leave him, or he will never ever respect you. He'll just know that whatever he dishes out, you will take, and you dont want to end up living in that kind of vicious cycle. I know you say your kids are fine, and Im sure they are, but they will be aware on some level about whats happening to you. In fact, if you sat them down and asked them, you'd probably discover that they know more than you think, kids are VERY perceptive - it must be hard for them as well, knowing what you're going through, think of that.

Good luck anyway, make a stand NOW or you'll sink deeper and deeper and it will be harder and harder to try and change things.

mandi

Oh my . everytime I come back to this thread , I end up in tears , the kindness of strangers, is incredible ..and I cant thank you all enough .


I cant post anything else, tonights been expacially bad , but.. really Ty . I mean that




Mandi x

rchddap1

We'll be here for as long as you need us. Just keep posting. If only to let us know that you're okay. You will find your strength and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

moggylover

Hi Mandi, could not get a connection last night so this is the first chance I have had to come back.

How are you today, are you feeling just a little bit more decided and confident? Have you managed to get some sleep and to eat?

Tell us why last night was so awful, you need to "talk" it through, and you need to let us support you. Maybe we are all just strangers on a screen - but that is often easier than people in rl knowing in the first instance.

Big hugs again.

Moggy