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Massive family storm brewing
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RoxieW
Posts: 3,016 Forumite
Ok, long story but here goes.
Basically, my mums boyf went to prison for acts against me while I was growing up which I shant go into (just to say, not the worst of the worst but bad enough for him to go to prison for and be put on the Sex offenders reg). I didnt report this until I was 18 and had left home, after struggling with guilt at leaving me 2 younger sisters at home and comments from them which left me concerned. Still, it wasnt like it was a secret what he was like - he was openly inappropriate but would just brush it off as 'jokes' or 'messing about or whatever'. He was also violent and sexually assaulted my mum so family member were aware what he was like although it wasnt talked about really.
Anyways, I reported it which resulted in me being outcast from the family - my mum, younger sisters and nan who I was close to and lived with for a while all stood by him through the trial etc. The only person who supported me was my OH . Though I remained quite close with my auntie (mums sister). Although didnt come to the trial or give any evidence to police when asked - she sent me a card of support and we kept in touch throughout. However, I'm sure she was also keeping 'a foot in the other camp' so to speak - not wanting to fall out with her sister or mum - although she didnt really mention them to me.
Anyways - this is 8 years on - he's out of prison, my mum married him and he's just been allowed to slot back into family life like nothing ever happened. Unbelievable I know but unfortunately true - and it wasnt the fact that my mum didnt believe me - she was aware of alot of what went on. She just chose him and other members of the family didnt want to 'rock the boat' with her so life just carries on in their small town.
After alot of counselling etc I've for the most part put it behind me - but things resurfaced a couple of weeks ago when I got an abusive email from my youngest sister now 20 - basically full of hatred and saying that I've ruined her, her mum and her "dads" life. This obv upset me a great deal as I hoped that when they were older they'd come to realise the truth and why I couldnt just 'let things lie'. After many years of brainwashing though this doesnt seem to have happened, exp with my youngest sister as he is all she has ever known.
Upset, I phoned my auntie about it and while she was supportive she let slip that she's 'been talking to (him) about my sister and he'd said that they've spoilt her.' She just said this like it was perfectly alright but obv it upset me as I imagined them all sitting around chatting with him and having cups of tea like nothings ever happened. I did know that she still saw my mum and sister and would assume that when they visited he was there but it had never been said out loud in this way.
Anyway, i was upset by it but was already distraught over email opening new wounds so didnt say anything at the time - was just abit gobsmacked. But I told hubby about it and he's gone absolutely mad. He's said we're done with them, - well, he and the kids are - and he wont be taking me to visit at xmas either. Which has put me in the position now that I have to say something to auntie. Whereas I was just going to let it lie as I've had so many family arguements, upsets and hassles that I just cant deal with any more. I'm also 7 mths pregnant, completely stressed out as we're having a kitchen fitted the week before xmas and to add further complications, my auntie has cancer which i've been supporting her though and I didnt want to have arguement with her when she's not well.
So what to do?? How do i broach it?
Basically, my mums boyf went to prison for acts against me while I was growing up which I shant go into (just to say, not the worst of the worst but bad enough for him to go to prison for and be put on the Sex offenders reg). I didnt report this until I was 18 and had left home, after struggling with guilt at leaving me 2 younger sisters at home and comments from them which left me concerned. Still, it wasnt like it was a secret what he was like - he was openly inappropriate but would just brush it off as 'jokes' or 'messing about or whatever'. He was also violent and sexually assaulted my mum so family member were aware what he was like although it wasnt talked about really.
Anyways, I reported it which resulted in me being outcast from the family - my mum, younger sisters and nan who I was close to and lived with for a while all stood by him through the trial etc. The only person who supported me was my OH . Though I remained quite close with my auntie (mums sister). Although didnt come to the trial or give any evidence to police when asked - she sent me a card of support and we kept in touch throughout. However, I'm sure she was also keeping 'a foot in the other camp' so to speak - not wanting to fall out with her sister or mum - although she didnt really mention them to me.
Anyways - this is 8 years on - he's out of prison, my mum married him and he's just been allowed to slot back into family life like nothing ever happened. Unbelievable I know but unfortunately true - and it wasnt the fact that my mum didnt believe me - she was aware of alot of what went on. She just chose him and other members of the family didnt want to 'rock the boat' with her so life just carries on in their small town.
After alot of counselling etc I've for the most part put it behind me - but things resurfaced a couple of weeks ago when I got an abusive email from my youngest sister now 20 - basically full of hatred and saying that I've ruined her, her mum and her "dads" life. This obv upset me a great deal as I hoped that when they were older they'd come to realise the truth and why I couldnt just 'let things lie'. After many years of brainwashing though this doesnt seem to have happened, exp with my youngest sister as he is all she has ever known.
Upset, I phoned my auntie about it and while she was supportive she let slip that she's 'been talking to (him) about my sister and he'd said that they've spoilt her.' She just said this like it was perfectly alright but obv it upset me as I imagined them all sitting around chatting with him and having cups of tea like nothings ever happened. I did know that she still saw my mum and sister and would assume that when they visited he was there but it had never been said out loud in this way.
Anyway, i was upset by it but was already distraught over email opening new wounds so didnt say anything at the time - was just abit gobsmacked. But I told hubby about it and he's gone absolutely mad. He's said we're done with them, - well, he and the kids are - and he wont be taking me to visit at xmas either. Which has put me in the position now that I have to say something to auntie. Whereas I was just going to let it lie as I've had so many family arguements, upsets and hassles that I just cant deal with any more. I'm also 7 mths pregnant, completely stressed out as we're having a kitchen fitted the week before xmas and to add further complications, my auntie has cancer which i've been supporting her though and I didnt want to have arguement with her when she's not well.
So what to do?? How do i broach it?
MANAGED TO CLEAR A 3K OVERDRAFT IN ONE FRUGAL, SUPER CHARGED MONEY EARNING MONTH!:j
£10 a day challenge Aug £408.50, Sept £90
Weekly.
155/200
"It's not always rainbows and butterflies, It's compromise that moves us along."
£10 a day challenge Aug £408.50, Sept £90
Weekly.
155/200
"It's not always rainbows and butterflies, It's compromise that moves us along."
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Comments
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Roxie,
It sounds awful.
But I agree with your hubby, why would you want to have any more contact with people who treat you like that? Change your email, or block theirs, do the same with your phones, & get on with your life with your immediate family. You have been through enough.
Hopefully, the relatives on his side of the family are more normal.0 -
This is awful for you. Please don't let people continue to abuse you. No one deserves it, ever.
I'm not sure what it is you want to broach. I am wondering if you can still access your counsellor?Pay off as much as you can in 2012 challenge No. 64: 328.75/2,5000 -
Gosh, what an awful situation to be in?
Did you reply to your sister's email? If you're brave enough, perhaps email her back giving a graphic description of what he did to you, how it made you feel, and how it affected you. Tell her she's lucky she wasn't subjected to the same abuse, and perhaps one day if she has a child, she'll understand why you did what you did.Should've = Should HAVE (not 'of')
Would've = Would HAVE (not 'of')
No, I am not perfect, but yes I do judge people on their use of basic English language. If you didn't know the above, then learn it! (If English is your second language, then you are forgiven!)0 -
You so need to get the hell out of the situation, I'm sorry but I'm 100% agreeing with your OH!
The way you are writing the above makes me think they won't want you visiting at xmas anyway and if you do it will be really horrible!
Its just twisted on their behalf!You may walk and you may run
You leave your footprints all around the sun
And every time the storm and the soul wars come
You just keep on walking0 -
Where do I start, this is awful.
One thing I will say is DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. This is not down to you, you were trying to protect the people you love from going through what you have had to deal with and needless to say it's terrible. This is the fault of the man in question. If it wasn't his fault then why was he be put away? This makes it all their fault for believing you are at fault. You are clearly not!!
This is a hard thing to say, but these people have been taken in by this man and sadly turned their back on you. This must be hurting you like mad, as these are the people you sought to protect and love. However I'm assuming it's not because they don't love you. But sadly don't love you enough and a lot to do with how clever he is The people who commit these awful crimes usually are. Despite all the heartache you did the right thing. Your OH is rightly protecting you and his future family.
It's going to be hard, but move on and concentrate on those who truly love you and care about you. I can understand when your sister was younger you trying to protect her. But she is an adult now and if she believes what he did was OK then sadly you will have to leave her be. Again her life is ruined because of what he did and not because of you. I hope if you break ties with all of them, they will eventually see his true colours. Sometimes people need to see it for themselves. If they don't, I'm afraid there's nothing more you can do. So get on with your own life and enjoy welcoming your new baby with the people who do truly care about you.
All the best and thinking of you through this difficult time xx0 -
I don't agree with your husband, nor his demand that you cut your aunt out of your life. His anger towards the rest of the family is entirely understandable but it seems to me that your aunt is the best of a poor lot and has not deserved to be abandoned at this late stage, especially as she is very ill and clearly, you have feelings for her.
Is it not possible to write to your aunt and explain that you and your family have reached the end of the road where your stepfather is concerned but that you don't want to lose loving contact with her. What's wrong with agreeing that your mother etc won't get mentioned but that letters, cards, phone calls etc can go on without reference to a painful past. By the way, I can understand your aunt not wanting to lose contact with her sister and mother and if turning a blind eye to what your stepfather has already been punished for is the way to do it, I guess that's human. Being civil to him does not necessarily mean that she inwardly thinks he is a wonderful human being.
It is an extremely difficult situation and one can only respect your husband for his loyalty to you and his wish to defend you. I agree with others that you need to walk away from all this, and build a sound loving life of your own. Let the others - especially that disgrace of a mother - go on as they wish while you concentrate on building a happy, caring, normal family but don't throw the baby out with the bathwater - it sounds as though your aunt deserves some recognition and loyalty too, since it must have been hard for her to be seen to support you while the rest of them were busy ganging up on you. Good luck and remember that even awful experiences eventually make us stronger people.0 -
Is it not possible to write to your aunt and explain that you and your family have reached the end of the road where your stepfather is concerned but that you don't want to lose loving contact with her. What's wrong with agreeing that your mother etc won't get mentioned but that letters, cards, phone calls etc can go on without reference to a painful past
I agree good advice, If you make it clear that you plan to break all ties with the rest, but that you understand it's difficult and her reasons for staying in touch As said above just agree with her that neither of you mention them or what happened again.0 -
Do you think your OH means what he is saying or is he just lashing out? Perhaps if you give him some time he'll settle down himself, he sounds like a reasonable kind of man. What he's trying to do is to protect you from your family, which is at root a lovely thing, but he's not exactly getting it right :rolleyes: If the worst comes to the worst, could you visit your aunt alone this Christmas?
On your auntie, if she's a wise woman (and sounds like she is) then there is a lot of sense in remaining close to your Mum and SF - if your mum or one of your sisters needs help they can come to her in a way that would be impossible if she'd cut him off. I know I had a friend once whose BF was beating her up. Another (older) friend of ours made a point of being nice to him and keeping friendly. I thought she was mad till she pointed out that while she was nice to him, she was able to stay in our friend's circle and be there should she ever be needed. She said that abusers often cut their victims off from the family circle and she was determined not to allow that to happen - maybe your aunt is going for a similar situation.
And on your sister, sounds to me like she is actually trying to work things out for herself. She wouldn't feel the need to attack you if there wasn't some conflict inside herself about this, especially so out of the blue. She's making you the bogey man in the hope that then everything you are saying isn't true. If anything I'd say reply sympathetically and let her know that you're there for her if she ever wants to talk about what happened. I'd almost bet that at some stage she will want to.
And of course I'm sorry to hear how things were for you but very impressed that you've gone on to build a whole life for yourself - try to focus on your own family and how far you've come that you are able to find happiness here!0 -
Hi all- thank you for your replies. I'm sorry, I dont think I was clear in my post. I have completely cut mum, him, my nan and sisters out of my life (although my sisters it was more the other way around- i just wasnt able to visit them because he was there and i wasnt welcome on my mums part.) I havent seen any of them since the court case 8 years ago. I did reply to my sisters out of the blue email - just basically saying that i love her, that i'm here for her if she needs me but I've had to block her emails because it was just too upsetting. Incidentally, there was strong evidence that he was abusing them too (the police found explicit photos in his bedside drawer with an assortment of other disgusting things) but yet they stood up in court and sweared that he'd never done anything to them and begged a jury not to convict their 'dad'.
It's the auntie situation that I really need the advice about. I guess I've always been aware that she's kept with 'both sides' so to speak - as she'll occassionally mention my mum etc - and so I guess it follows that if she's going to the house to see my mum he's there too - but just how she came out with it - like they're sitting and chatting having a cup of tea. She's never mentioned contact with him like that before. She's always been the weaker sister (youngest) and not been able to stand up to my mum and she'll be just going along with what my mum wants to keep the peace. But !!!!!! its just like everyones forgotten what he did
and that he's ruined my life. OH says that if they're having anything to do with him then we're not having anything to do with them - and I do agree with him - it is wrong. But I was willing to just let it slide because I just cant bear to open up all these old wounds again - its too much for me to take. And by having to have the conversation with her then I have to. But then I guess I'm letting things slide then just like they are for an easy life. Anyway -OH has put me in the position now where I have to say something as he's said they're not welcome in the house and we wont be visiting auntie at xmas (or he and the kids wont). I can hardly just leave it - its going to be obvious that something up - so I have to have it out with her. I just dont know how to broach it. I know my OH is right - he thinks its disgusting and sick that they have anything to do with him and my mum who let her child be abused. It is. But this is a battle that I can do without and especially having to do it with a sick woman. Who, also, doesnt get any support from her sister or my nan - its me that she calls and is supporting her.
I just cant find it in me to call her and have this out.MANAGED TO CLEAR A 3K OVERDRAFT IN ONE FRUGAL, SUPER CHARGED MONEY EARNING MONTH!:j
£10 a day challenge Aug £408.50, Sept £90
Weekly.
155/200
"It's not always rainbows and butterflies, It's compromise that moves us along."0 -
belfastgirl23 wrote: »On your auntie, if she's a wise woman (and sounds like she is) then there is a lot of sense in remaining close to your Mum and SF - if your mum or one of your sisters needs help they can come to her in a way that would be impossible if she'd cut him off. I know I had a friend once whose BF was beating her up. Another (older) friend of ours made a point of being nice to him and keeping friendly. I thought she was mad till she pointed out that while she was nice to him, she was able to stay in our friend's circle and be there should she ever be needed. She said that abusers often cut their victims off from the family circle and she was determined not to allow that to happen - maybe your aunt is going for a similar situation.
!
Thanks for the reply but I really dont think this is there case anymore. My mums been with this man for 20 years and at first would run to family for help, but those days are long gone. She;s accepted her lot and even went as far to accept what he was doing to her kids. My mum knows they'd be there for her in a shot anyway - even if estranged. i just think my auntie is weak and doesnt have the bottle to stand up for whats right and wrong. She even takes her kids round there - now that to me is a real slap in the face.MANAGED TO CLEAR A 3K OVERDRAFT IN ONE FRUGAL, SUPER CHARGED MONEY EARNING MONTH!:j
£10 a day challenge Aug £408.50, Sept £90
Weekly.
155/200
"It's not always rainbows and butterflies, It's compromise that moves us along."0
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