Massive family storm brewing

RoxieW

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I don't agree with your husband, nor his demand that you cut your aunt out of your life. His anger towards the rest of the family is entirely understandable but it seems to me that your aunt is the best of a poor lot and has not deserved to be abandoned at this late stage, especially as she is very ill and clearly, you have feelings for her.

This is how I feel - but then I also think I've been too weak and I should have said from the start I dont want anything to do with you if you're still seeing x. But she hasnt mentioned him directly until now, and has been supportive to me - although in words only - she didnt support me at the trial and she wouldnt give evidence to the police. Another one who didnt want to rock the boat. So I know that OH is right, they're behaviour is shameful, yet, she's been the closest thing I've had to a mum for the past 10 years so its difficult.

RoxieW

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Do you think your OH means what he is saying or is he just lashing out? Perhaps if you give him some time he'll settle down himself, he sounds like a reasonable kind of man. What he's trying to do is to protect you from your family, which is at root a lovely thing, but he's not exactly getting it right :rolleyes: If the worst comes to the worst, could you visit your aunt alone this Christmas?

I thought he would calm down but I gave him 2 weeks and he's still furious and sticking to his guns. Even when i explained this is going to cause me alot of upset he just thinks some things are worth it and he wont bend on this one. Again its difficult because I do agree with him - he's right - so I dont feel I could visit on my own because then I'd be going against him when he's trying to do the best for me. So really, I'm being pushed into cutting ties - I dont really feel I have much choice because my aunt is in the wrong and it does hurt me the way they all carry on. But, like paddysmum said, she's the best of a bad lot and I dont want to upset her when she's ill. I just feel like I dont have a choice now - like OH is forcing me to stick up for myslef.

dealwithdebtdot

If you want your aunt in your life, you need to work out why. It seems like you can't tolerate her being on the fence over this and why should you.

It sounds like you support her a lot, but she is not your responsibility. Cancer or no cancer.

I really appreciate and understand how hard it is to cut all links with your family, but you need to ask yourself what is it your aunt gives to you. If it is nothing, if she gives you nothing, it is almost abusive because she is taking from you and not giving anything back.

I hope you will come through this but I do really wonder if this is the right place to be exposing yourself. Please get some help with working through this. The Samaritians should be able to help. You can email, call them or go into one of their centres for a face to face chat.

Look after yourself.

Dot

RoxieW

She doesnt give very much to be honest - our phone conversations are generally 80% her problems (and always have been) but then, she's been all I've had family wise for a long time.

I'm sorry if you think its an inappropriate place to 'expose myself'. i realise its uncomfortable reading but I just needed some impartial view points and this was where I'd usually turn. I;ve done counselling etc till I'm blue in the face and to be honest I'm just frankly sick of it all and want to move on. I had been trying to do that but this has thrown a spanner in the works and frankly, I dont have the strength for it but i feel i have no choice but to deal with it sonehow.

LADY_A_5

its so true you can choose your friends, but not your family.
i say this from simular experience, i would cut all ties. this is about you and your family, not her wanting to keep the peace. maybe a letter to explain. some people just shouldnt have kids. hope you get the result your looking for honey xxx

Threebabes

I think you have to do whats best for yourself, tho Im more in agreement with your husband and to not have anything to do with any of them. To think that your mother took her boyfriends side in all this beggars belief. You sound like you have a loving husband and youve children, a baby on the way and should concentrate on them.

Good luck hun in whatever you decide to do. x

Becsam_2

Hello There,
I have been reading about your situation and the position that you are in. Firstly I am so sorry that at this special time of year that you are having to deal with all this, I suppose it is par for the course that family problems always arise at Christmas when we are all supposed to be together.
You sound like me, always trying to be the peacemaker and make everyone happy. From personal experience sometimes you just have to think about yourself. Do you not think that you have been through enough? I understand about loving your aunt and wanting to support her during her illness but you cannot be all things to all people. You have to think about yourself and your own family. This should be such a joyous time, with you expecting a new addition to your family. You cannot allow all of this to build up inside you, if you do the only one to get hurt will be you and you have had enough pain.
Your husband is only thinking of you and your children, he loves you and wants to protect you from any more pain.
You have two choices from what I can gather, you either sit down and explain to your aunt how you are feeling or you walk away. I know that sounds harsh but the longer you bottle up these feelings the harder it will be in the end. You have a caring husband, a baby on the way and a whole future ahead of you. I know that you feel torn but you have one life and you must live it for yourself. Others have to take responsibility for themselves and the choices they make. Never feel you are on your own their is always someone here who will listen. Please look after yourself. Thinking of you.
Becky xxx

july73

You have two choices from what I can gather, you either sit down and explain to your aunt how you are feeling or you walk away. I know that sounds harsh but the longer you bottle up these feelings the harder it will be in the end. You have a caring husband, a baby on the way and a whole future ahead of you. I know that you feel torn but you have one life and you must live it for yourself. Others have to take responsibility for themselves and the choices they make. Never feel you are on your own their is always someone here who will listen. Please look after yourself. Thinking of you.
Becky xxx

Very true, think about yourself and those involved are adults and should eccept their choices in life.

But I to hope you resolve this with your Auntie. You feel you have no choice but to question her. Then that's what you have to do for your own sake. Despite her staying in contact with you, she to seems to be controlled by this family circle. Or as above post walk away.

I think we need to put a few ideas your way on how we would approach this delicate and awkward situation ourselves. But again without being through it myself it may not be of much help.

I think you need to tell your Auntie based on what you have posted so far.

That you love her and understand why it's difficult for her to take sides.
How it upsets you that despite her cancer, they have given her little/no support.
I would then very calmly ask her what it is you are talking about on here regarding her suddenly talking about them to you, you know what I mean and that you need answers to these questions. Because you don't want to break ties with her too.

This is probably how I'd try to deal with this, but everyone's different and maybe some others 'What would you do?' Might be better suited to you personally.

Thinking of you xx

peediedj

this may sound harsh(sorry if it does) but your family have made there bed,let them lie in it,you have tried to tell them and help them from this monster,there obviuosly aware of it,but as happens many times in these cases(i know from wifes family experiecned similar) they choose to ignore it and think your the liar,as your husband says,ignore it,get on with your life,you certainly dont need the stress invovled by any of it,and nor does your kids or your husband,stay strong and block all e-mails etc

RoxieW

thank you
you're right, I've been so looking forward to xmas and trying to make it special for my two little boys so its the worst time of year for it. i do try to keep peace - i just havent got it in me for any more rows/upset etc - i've had enough for a lifetime.

OH just called me and said he's sorry for putting me into a stressful situation adn that he's not happy with them but he'll go along with whatever I want to do. Which is lovely and just what I needed to hear. So perhaps i spoke too soon with my reply about about him sticking to his goods. He is right though - my auntie is in the wrong but i dont want to cut her off.

I think, if the opportunity arises, i will say to her that her comment upset me and if she wants to pretend nothings happened then thats up to her but I dont want to hear about it. I'll definately say so if she mentions him again.

Maybe OH is right and I should be stronger and have it all out with her anyway but its just too much for me right now so the above might be the best course of action - especially with her being ill as well.

Thanks everyone for the replies.