A not so happy relationship

wannabe_sybil

Staciep88 wrote: »

Zazen: No you are right but I also notice that my counseller has said to me just earlier today that alot of mean can change. Some don't but he has seen the change happen lots of times and beleives that we can get through it. We will just have to see.

Change counsellor.

Zazen999

wannabe_sybil wrote: »

Change counsellor.

Indeed!

Stacey...I think he [councellor] is just being nice...

elona

Change the counsellor as "he" has seen lots of men change - means he has heard men "say" they have changed and the OH is too scared to disagree!

Alarm bells are ringing loudly with this statement.

I very much doubt that someone who is as spiteful and caculating as to hit you where the bruises don't show will ever change. That behaviour is not "temper" or even "anger" - it is control, manipulation and abuse.

If you do a search on here for Black Saturn's site on emotional abuse and read it I think you will get quite a shock.

You are being abused financially, emotionally and physically- what's left - except for him to put you in hospital or even kill you.

Kippy

Life's too short, get out of there before it gets any worse. He has such low self esteem he has resorted to bullying you. You know you don't deserve such a loser, get a grip. It's well worth £1,500 to be well rid!
You know you are the stronger person in this relationship, WALK AWAY you should have the first time he hit you. You haven't mentioned kids but if one does come along, then you will feel really trapped.

Staciep88

I dont think thats very fair saying change my conseller. He does not deal with the females normally - its the males and he says in some cases they do change which is what i said, i know not all of them will change, and maybe OH wont, but its worth a shot. Not for me, for him. I dont hate him you know, I wanna help him. Im not saying we will get back together, what i am saying is he can change if he really wants to and try.

wannabe_sybil

Staciep88 wrote: »

I dont think thats very fair saying change my conseller. He does not deal with the females normally - its the males and he says in some cases they do change which is what i said, i know not all of them will change, and maybe OH wont, but its worth a shot. Not for me, for him. I dont hate him you know, I wanna help him. Im not saying we will get back together, what i am saying is he can change if he really wants to and try.

I notice that you say OH and not ex OH.

If he wants to change he will do so. That should no longer be your problem. It may be more useful to him to be able to sort himself out without all the emotional entanglements and all the history that you have together.

Would you hate him if he did to your sister what he has done to you?

And why should he change if you will go back to him?

wannabe_sybil

Also, normally I do not think it important to separate male or female. People are human beings, first and last. However in counselling I do think that it is often helpful to see a counsellor of the same gender. I am sure many on here will echo that it is often easier to talk to a female counsellor about, for example, a miscarriage following abuse than it is to a male counsellor and often easier for a female counsellor to understand the dynamics of the female emotions. If your counsellor is used to dealing with men rather than women he will have seen many men who really want to change. They may be victims of circumstances, they may have been abused as children, they just want to do things right and need help getting there.

If your counsellor is used to dealing with mainly male clients then he will perhaps find it difficult to adjust to a very different dynamic.

The_Pink_Wafer

Oh Stacie, I cried reading this. I'm not much older than you and I know how horrible you can feel.

First of all, you've done the right thing in leaving him...but have you really left him? After everything he did it's very admirable that you want to help him - but referring to him as your OH suggests that you're going to go back. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but clean break is the only way.

As for the £1500 in debt...ouch. However, your life/sanity/emotional well being is worth so much more. You will get through it all.

PM me if you want to talk. I'm 23, in debt and have seen a counsellor after a messy break-up.

xx

grey_lady

Stacie, do you think he really will change, or be encouraged to change because you walked out / left him?
It just doesnt work like that - nothing that you do, or you hope for, will change him, we cant change others or force them into changing, no matter how much we want them to or try to talk them into
we can only change ourselves and our reactions / dealings with others.

If he's going to see a counsellor either with you or on his own because he thinks it's what you want, then thats not the same as him trying to change on his own accord.

If you really think he wants to change then the best thing that you can do to help him is to take a step back and get on with your life and let him get on with his for a few months.

Stephb1986_2

Your a fool if you take him back!

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me twice shame on me

I think your still hoping to get back with him as you keep saying "OH" when your no longer together.

You dont need this loser all he does is hurt you and make you depressed and feel worthless. Do you really need to feel like this?

Your 2 years younger than i am you have your whole life ahead of you, you could do so much with it hun please dont waste it

Steph xx