A not so happy relationship

ticklepenny_2

Hello,

I built up all the debts in my sig in a similar relationship. I left him after a year of escalating violence, which didnt bother me so much as I gave as good as I got. The thing that drove me nuts was the little digs, that deflated my self confidence. I am a big girl again reflected by my sig. During that relationship I went from 16 stone to 22 stone, and I am still working it off 5 years later!

Get out and stay out! Its easier to live with a little bit of debt than a lot of crap from a man day in day out. Been there done that got the Tshirt and never want to do it again. The worst thing was my ex threatening suicide if I left, but I decided that was his choice and not mine. It took alot of strength to do and alot of support from friends and family bu its definitely worthwhile! What ever you do, DO NOT give in to promises of change or threats of any sort. It leads back to square one, which is not where you want to be after having had the strength to leave!

If you want to chat some, let me know.

Tickle*

charlesworth82

Congrats on getting rid of the scum. best thing now is to avoid him at all costs - avoid all contact and slowly try to move on with your life. you will be so much happier in the end for doing this. no excuse can be given for a man to be hitting his partner

DKLS

Now you have done the need, and got shut, I would suggest getting a new sim card asap, block him from Facebook etc, if you use it, change your email addy.
He sounds like a clever chap, his sort usually are, and he may try every trick in the book to get back with you.

Please dont believe a word of it.

shell_girl

Hi Stacie,
I've read through you're thread with interest and hope you are feeling a bit more confident now. I can only reiterate what others have said that you've done yourself a huge favour by getting out now.

Abusive relationships are the most difficult to leave because all the time he's abused you he's been eating away at your self confidence and self respect- the usual 'no-one else will ever want you' and all that carp.

It will be incredibly hard for several reasons. Firstly you will probably still have feelings for him- but these will get easier in time. Secondly (and I'm really not trying to frighten you honestly) this is the time when you are most at risk. I say this because abuse is NOT about anger- ever. It's about control. In his head you are a possession, and your thoughts, actions and deeds ultimately belong to him. Leaving him is the biggest threat to his control, and I promise you he's not feeling sad that you've left- he's feeling furious. 'How DARE she do this' he's asking himself. 'She's MINE' 'I need to get her back'. Not because he loves you, but because you are his possession. And because you belong to him, he needs to win you back, and once he's won you back he will need to 'improve' his control over you so that you won't think about leaving again.

If you keep a dog, it's either locked safely in your house or in the garden. You love your pet, but it's yours. One day it escapes. Your upset and also a bit angry- it's YOUR pet and is causing you problems because now you have to go out and make an effort to find it. You take treats out with you, maybe it's favourite food. You call it back using a kind voice and kind words. It comes back to you because you are its master and it knows it needs to obey you. Once you get it home what do you do? You make sure that its escape route is blocked and that it wont be able to get away again.

Sorry to be blunt- but that paragraph above IS how abusers think. If you need someone to talk to, give one of the numbers in my sig a ring, they will understand what is happening to you and will be able to give you information and support to keep you safe. You may also be interested in looking for a course known as the 'Freedom Programme' in your area (it'a available for couples but PLEASE if you do it do it alone). PM me if you want any more information about anything I've said
Good Luck

Emmzi

well done you.

please listen to your family. they love you and want the best for you.

the next few months will be tough. keep reminding yourself why you left, look for a new (better!) job away from him. stay strong, come back and talk to us as often as you need to.

20, smart, beautiful, all to win!

AnnieM_3

Well done and congratulations Stacie! :j :beer: :T

You notice how your ex is now begging you to come back, saying he'll change etc.? That's because he's a pathetic little scumbag who uses anger, fear and violence as a means of having some 'control' in his pathetic little scumbag life. He needs you to need him - 'cos he's a LOSER!

Now you have proved you are stronger than him in a way he cannot compete with - you were able to turn your back on him and walk away.

Hopefully this will wake him up, and he can go and get himself some help, so he can finally become what he was trying to be - a REAL MAN. Maybe he'll learn that REAL MEN don't need to threaten, dominate, bully and injure women; that doing so doesn't gain them respect, only fear.

You've done the kindest thing for your ex in leaving him - it may be the best thing that ever happens to both of you in the long run. He may not now end up incarcerated for murder (I do hope he gets some help for his problems), and you are alive and have your whole life ahead of you, to meet a real, good, kind, loving man, who deserves you, and whom you can respect because he respects you too.

Now go and put your glad rags on, and dance your booty off (even in your living room!) - I'm thinking of the following songs:

I'm Every Woman
R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
Paid My Dues
These Boots Are Made For Walkin'
Fighter

Congratulations once again!

AnnieM x

sandraroffey

please dont listen to what he is saying to you. all these posts are so right!! my husband went to prison for what he did to us, all because he couldnt get his own way. and, despite injuctions in place coming out of my ears, he still wouldnt leave me alone. he just couldnt manage without that control. he still kept contacting me even though when he was in prison my address was blocked. just sent the mail to someone else and got them to forward it to me. then i started getting the five point plans he had put together of how were going to get through this and what we were going to do and how we were going to do it. just unbelievable. he just couldnt understand why i wouldnt let him come back. after all, no one was hurt (?) the gun wasnt loaded (?) what was the problem?? i'm afraid thats how these people think and the lady who said that this time is the most you will be at risk, had hit the nail right on the head. if you talk to him, text him, even look at him, he will see all of that as a signal you are open to suggestion.

keep posting on here so we all know that you are ok. abd please belive me when i say that anger management and all of his promises will not work!!!!!!!

belfastgirl23

I'm saying this just in case you are having second thoughts...although personally I think you have definitely done the right thing.

If you do have second thoughts, you don't need to do ANYTHING now. Make a decision that you are not going to reconsider for a certain period of time - I'd say three months. Promises mean NOTHING and you need to see how they are followed up with action. It is very easy to say all the right words but if he really believes he has done something wrong then he will follow up with actions.

At the end of the day if he really understands that what he has done is wrong he won't hassle you until he feels he has changed enough to be able to ask you to come back...

Good luck. I think you've made the right decision too!

Stephb1986_2

I'm 22 now and when i was 17 i made the biggest mistake of my life getting with this one guy i was with him for ages we got engaged he made me fall out with my family so i didn't see them anymore. I had a good job that i lost because of him being so insecure when i went to work looking at other blokes and i didn't.

Anyway i found out what he was like and caught him sleeping with my best mate. So I dumped him and then found out he had lied to me from day 1 of the relationship and he also turned round and said that i had made him get in loads of debt which i didnt i had my own job at a bank!

It was the worst time of my life i'll be totally honest i thought that i wouldn't find anyone as loving as him. (how wrong was i!)

Now i've been in a relationship for 18 months im engaged to a great bloke who loves me for me and couldn't be happier.

Trust me you will find someone better it might take a while to find him but it will come one day. Perhaps you need to be on your own for a bit go out and have a good time with your mates its coming up to christmas and its the party season

Good luck

Steph xx

Staciep88

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I'm saying this just in case you are having second thoughts...although personally I think you have definitely done the right thing.

If you do have second thoughts, you don't need to do ANYTHING now. Make a decision that you are not going to reconsider for a certain period of time - I'd say three months. Promises mean NOTHING and you need to see how they are followed up with action. It is very easy to say all the right words but if he really believes he has done something wrong then he will follow up with actions.

At the end of the day if he really understands that what he has done is wrong he won't hassle you until he feels he has changed enough to be able to ask you to come back...

Good luck. I think you've made the right decision too!

This is exactly how I'm feeling. I've had all the im going to change thing from him, and i beleive him, i dunno if its cuz i actually do or cuz thats what i want to beleive, one reason why i think i do actually beleive him is cuz why would he do it all again, knowing that everyone knows, everyone beleives me , inc his family, cuz i no i wouldnt. I dont wanna b like this. I cant not text him either - signs of caving in already i no. I spoke to mum about it n she says that if he goes to these anger management things and really starts paying his debts then he will b prooving himself, and she also said that i will b the only one to know if its worth trying again. going to find a new job now as work is part of the arguments