A not so happy relationship

calculatethis

Please just be very careful then, if thats your decision for now. Give yourself time to think.

But I BET you know deep down that neither of you will be able to continue in the same way as you were before....something has fundamentally changed about your relationship now. Can it really ever be the same again?? Can you give him 100% trust??

You will always have some resentment to him underneath it all, believe me, and whenever you both get in any sort of stressful situation this will come out. Some men can change but it is very very rare and you have no proof that it is going to last. My husband has given up drinking for 4 months now, which is supposed to convince me that he has changed, but I still dont trust him. He was trying to say that it was the drink that made him be abusive to me, but I think it runs deeper than this. You cant just blame it all on alcohol (although that would contribute to it I'm sure, and caused a lot of arguments as I was telling hm to stop drinking for the sake of the family, which wound him up, so it was like a vicious circle)

My husband has pushed me around (to various degrees from a tap on the arm or a push or chucking something at me, right through to punching me in the head) and he always justifies this by saying that I hit him!! This relates back to ONE incident about 15 years ago and I was very young, when I did actually lash out at him during a row. I got it straight back about 10 times worse and learnt at that moment that my reacting to an argument physically was pointless- I am about 5ft 1inch and he is much much bigger and stronger than me so guess who came out worst. Since then I have never touched him but he still uses this incident 15 years ago to justify it whenever he hits me!!

Your boyfriend probably justfies in his head that when you have pushed him around or called him names this gives him the right to take it further. He may not even think about it, some blokes must obviously think thats just OK to react like that and that you have driven them to it somehow. To be honest, I am ashamed of myself for hitting my husband all those years ago, it makes me as bad as he is, but as I said, I was very young and our relationship was in its early more "passionate" days. It sounds like you are in the same situation at the moment.

Think hard about this Stacie. Im not trying to lecture you, just trying to help you...I wish someone had taken me aside when I was 22 and given me the same advice....but then i would probably have ignored it too!

At the very minimum could you please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing??

Staciep88

How terrible. Of course I will keep in touch. I never knew this problem was as big as it is, when it happens to you you think thats its only you. thank u xx

Staciep88

Update:

Im now single and living back at home with my parents. I wont lie though - it hurts like hell. I havent slept on without him since I was 17, Im now going to be 20 next month - so im not looking forward tonight.

thank u everyone who helped me

poorly_scammo

Have followed your thread from the beginning. Didn't post because others seemed to express themselves so much better than I could.

Just wanted to offer my support. You've done the right thing no matter how much it hurts.

Remember there are always people on MSE to talk to if you need a chat.

Good luck honey!

border_collie

YAAAY!!! Well done, 20, young and beautiful with your whole life ahead to find someone who deserves you.


A friend of a friend of my daughter in bolton was stabbed to death by her boyfriend last weekend.
Dead, stabbed ten times. Aged 19. What a tragedy.

Swirlywurly

Well done! You should be really proud of yourself. Everytime you feel yourself wobbling or wanting to call him, read this thread.

Good luck x

swampytiggaa

oh well done - have read all this without commenting but have been worried about you - will be thinking about you and will look later for an update xxxxx

mudgekin

Well done Stacie, no-one ever ever deserves this kind of abuse. You are young with your whole life ahead of you. yes it will hurt like hell at the moment but that passes, better some hurting now than a lifetime of mysery and abuse ahead. It sounds as though you are mentally stronger now than a while back. Please please keep this mindset no matter how much you may be tempted to waver.

Zazen999

Hi Stacie

I can stop worrying now.

Please just take some time out and enjoy yourself a bit. You've done the right thing.

xxx

angelfairy

hi stacie,

i too have read your thread and am so pleased that you have made the break. i understand that it must be so very very hard for you and that your heart will be in pieces and your head all over the place, but the main thing is that you will be SAFE.

i think we all underestimate just how amazing our families can be when we need them. you will never be alone whilst you have them (and your friends for real or online ones for that matter).

take care of yourself.