Please help me

louise3965

Hi, sorry you are going through all this. Can these people help you - might be an interim solution before you get a relate appointment. I know that some of the SSAFA committees on camps have paid for relate sessions as well, when marriages have hit trouble. Good luck xxx
https://ssl16.lon.gb.securedata.net/ssafa.org.uk/line/supportLinePage1.asp

belfastgirl23

Hi Hippychick

First of all remember it's normal to be upset, you're going through a stage of grieving over what you had. But try to keep in mind that you're building something new that in time will be better. You're just at that stage where you've emptied everything out of the cupboard and the place looks a terrible mess but it will be better when you've cleared out all the rubbish and put everything back in its place. Try to have faith that however bad you feel now, you will feel better ...

Also just to say something I have found really useful is first of all to talk to your DH about this but secondly to try to use 'I' words mostly. So not focus on him and what he has done, focus on you and how you feel. I know it sounds like one of those stupid makey up things but it can really prevent things from degenerating into a row. So instead of you telling him about his behaviour, focus on you and how you feel. Ask him to do the same (since I think he has probably been very lacking in the self-reflection department, for obvious reasons)

And go easy on yourself.... try to take time out to destress. In particular try to get some exercise as well, a long walk can be very calming to a distressed mind and getting exercise can help you sleep better.

Lots of luck! And keep posting.

hippychick1

Thanks for the advice. I am desperately trying not to bring up 'the other woman' all the time, but little things seem to trigger off thoughts and feelings that I just cannot control at the moment. DH is being really supportive, but keeping his distance. I just want to be told that he loves me, and feel wanted, but he doesn't know how to act around me.

Over the last week we have got on great, then today I got all upset and it feels like we are back at square one again

Will the anger fade with time? I just want things to be ok again, but know this will take time. How much time? Weeks, months, years? Some days I am really happy that we are moving things forward, but today has been a real down day. I have cried all day.

belfastgirl23

It does fade but it takes determination and a positive attitude. I do actually think you can control your emotions - less so in the heat of the moment obviously but it gets easier as time goes on. I do think you can work at distracting yourself from painful thoughts too, try not to 'give in' to them. Easier said than done I know but if you were feeling upbeat last week you have been doing some of that anyway...

There are a lot of us out here who have lived to tell the tale. Keep that in mind!

ih8stress

hippychick1 wrote: »

DH is being really supportive, but keeping his distance. I just want to be told that he loves me, and feel wanted, but he doesn't know how to act around me.

Try and tell him how you feel and what you want if possible (if not face to face, can you write it down, text him etc.). We females sometimes forget that men are not mind-readers and don't always read the signs we send out. Spell it out to him! He's probably walking on eggshells as well, not knowing how to go about things.
Alot of men tend to do 'practical' things rather than 'emotional' ones - eg. trying to show they care by fixing the fence rather than giving you the hug that you really crave for.

It's good to hear that you have been getting on. Yes, you will have days when you feel upset, confused, angry, emotional but these WILL level out over time and the happy times will return.

Remember little steps will get there in the end if you are both walking in the same direction.

Good luck and glad to hear from you again. Keep us all posted, please.

hippychick1

I honestly think this is just too hard, and I will never get over what he has done. He says he is sorry, but does nothing to show it. He is due to go on a night out this month, and I asked him not to go as I really do not feel comfortable with this yet. I know I can't keep him in forever, but I feel this is too soon for me to cope with. Well he was really angry, and said whats the point of us trying if I'll never be able to go out with my mates.

I do understand what he's saying, but he keeps asking me what he can do to make things better. I have told him forgoing this night out will help me, but he wasn't having any of it :mad: I said to him 'we've been together 9 years, and could possibly be together the rest of our lives, could you not just respect my feelings for the next couple of weeks and not go out drinking with your mates?' He has since relented, and is not going out, but I feel awful now.

I want him to move back home, and sleep on the couch for a while, as he always leaves at 8 or 9 in the evening, and I hate it, but he won't. He doesn't want to sleep on the couch, as he has a bed where he is now. I feel I'm not asking too much. Maybe I am?

These things would make me feel better, but he just will not move home. I honestly think he is just trying to sort things out between us to please his parents, not because he loves me. He says this is not the case, but I think deep down this is what is driving him to make amends. I really hope not, or somewhere down the line I am going to get my heart broken all over again

gravitytolls

Hippy, you need counselling. At the moment you're just going round in circles, and you're going to bed with only your thoughts for company.

Relate and the like are very good at what they do. It can be very helpful to simply be able to speak with a third party present, in a neutral setting; you will both have the opportunity to speak, to listen, and the counsellor will guide you through your problems to see if a solution can be found. If it can't, they can offer practical help to make the transition from coupledom to singledom easier.

I wish you so much luck.

hippychick1

Thanks for this GT. We are on the waiting list for Relate, but it will be a few weeks yet. I know I am going round in circles, but I cannot seem to drag myself forward!

I desperately want to make this work, but I just still keep getting so upset and angry. I need to get past this. I am looking forward to starting with Relate, just wish it could be sooner.

callow

I am afraid that a lot of men don't "walk the talk". He says he will do anything to make it better, but when you ask him to forgo an evening event he doesn't want to. He just wants you to forget it ever happened and get back to normal. He doesn't realise that the moment he decided to have his affair your marriage was changed forever.

I don't have an answer, but counselling will help you decide if you can stay in the marriage.

My husband had an affair, an although I forgive him, I will never forget. I can't see us ever getting back together as there will be too much resentment on my part. He has never apologised.

Sally

ih8stress

As people have said, counselling is the way forward and will help you to make some sense of it all and in time decide what is the best thing for you and your children.

I understand how frustrating it will be for you in having to wait to see someone as obviously you need answers NOW.

Whilst you're waiting why not try and occupy yourself with writing down exactly how you feel, what points you would like to get across to your husband and what things you want to explain to the counsellor. I imagine you will only have a 1 or 2 hour session and this will soon fly by, so it is important to try and have all your 'questions' ready.
Try and fine-tune the list to put them in order of importance in case you do not get time to ask them all in one sitting. (It might help to leave a good space inbetween each question so that you can write down the 'answers' when you get there. Your mind will probably be racing too much at the time to take everything in anyway.

One thing I did when going through a bad relationship was to go to the local library and get a couple of relevant books (sorry I can't remember what they were called. I think one might have been a Paul McKenna book?). It helped me to try and look at things in a different way and at least made me feel that I was trying to do something positive.

Lastly, remember that it is completely natural for you to be in emotional turmoil - hormones don't help either at certain times of the month for alot of us either!
Just TRY and allocate one hour a day where you can go for a relaxing bath/read/watch a dvd/listen to music etc. but choose something that will distract you from your thoughts and make a conscious effort to think of something else every time your thoughts drift back to your husband.

As always, good luck.