Please help me

hippychick1

I want to leave my husband. There, I've said it now. This scares the hell out of me though. Things have not been right between us for a long time, and we have just grown apart. I actually left him, back in July, but after three days of him begging, I went back again. He promised things would change, but that lasted about a week.
We have been together 9 years, married for 7, and have three young children together. It is my children that I am most concerned about, about the effect this will have on them. I feel so guilty for thinking about leaving, but he will not stop drinking. He drinks most nights, and we have barely any money to get by. He is so selfish. He snaps at the kids all the time, and I feel sorry for them.
If I left, I would have to claim benefits, and probably declare myself bankrupt due to all our debts being in my name. I have never had to do anything like this before, and the thought of depending on the state all because I couldn't make my marriage work is terrifying me.
I am shaking whilst typing this. I have almost written this post so many times before, but am scared to admit things really are this bad. I know I have to leave.
Has anyone else been through this? How have your children coped?

biscotte

Just wanted to give you a big hug - I have no practical advice to give but I'm sure there's lots of people who can help. Chin up and try and be strong.

Deby

if you are not happy and your children are seeing you argue all the time this is not good for them,it would be better if they were out of this but do try and talk to your oh first and let him know how you feel to see if you can work things out.if not go and be happy,i did it it wasnt easy having 2 young children but things always work out,you could get a job as you will get help with childcare and go from there.it is sad when you split but in my experience so long as the children see there dad and they are not in a home that is unhappy they will be ok. big hugs to you do what YOU think is right.

pukkamum

At the end of the day the best thing for your children is for you to be happy.

Yes this may mean they have less material things but this will mean nothing when compared to living in an unhappy home.

My mum split with my stepdad after many years of misery for us all and admitted that she used us as an excuse not to leave because she was so scared of being on her own.

You will survive your children will survive and in the long run you will be happier.

We went without but i don't for one minute resent my mum for it.

My main piece of advice would be to keep your children well informed at all times about what is happening it is the unknown that scares children.

Hope this helps love. xx xx

MiniLaura

Whats your housing situation? Its usually the caregiver of the children who remains in the house? He would also have to pay support for kids? Please try and find out all your options and seek legal advice on what you are due, that may help you plan for the future.

Good luck!

ameliarate

You really do need to talk to him. Tell him you are worried about the affect his drinking is having on the children. Ask him to go to get help - GP would probably be the first port of call. Explain to him that, unless he is seriously willing to try to sort these problems out you are not prepared to carry on with the marriage any longer for the sakes of yourself and the children.

Why do you have to leave? Can he not go or is it that he wont? I am just thinking that it may be better for the children if they can stay in the home they know.

I don't know much about the practicalities in terms of financial arrangements but I think you need to try and sort your husband out and worry about that if and when, but I am sure the CAB would be able to help.

This must be awful for you, well done for taking the first step in "talking" about it, I hope it all works out for you.

frasersmum123

I was in a similar situation to you a year ago, and found it so scary, but the most imprtant thing is that you and your children are happy, and if you are living in the kind of situation you describe then they must be being affected, even if its only in a small way.

Speak to your husband of you think that will help, if not then I would try the CAB or Entitled To, to see what you maybe able to claim benefits wise.

Do you think he would move out?

MrsKelly_2

Hi, I personally have not been through this but you are doing the right thing, the life you just described is not the way you want your children to be brought up. My OH came from a family where his Dad drank too much and he had a horrible childhood, do what is best for you and your children, your OH probably will not change but you can. Being on benefits shouldn't worry you, get you and your children back on your feet and give them a better home environment. If you are unhappy your children will suffer, do whats best for you all! Good luck x

ih8stress

Well done, you've made the first step of admitting it to yourself.

Do you have a local Women's Centre? If so, perhaps you could go there for some practical advice.
Do you have family and friends that can support you through this emotional time?
As Pukkamum says keep your children well informed. I would also say try to keep their usual routine as much as is possible eg. if you have to move somewhere different stick to their familiar bedtime, toys etc. Make their environment as familiar as you can.
As long as they are loved and well looked after children are very resilient.
Don't let anybody use them as tools in this situation and above all let them know that NONE OF THIS IS THEIR FAULT, it's just that Mummy and Daddy aren't able to live together anymore.

For yourself, get as much practical and emotional support as you can, try and strive towards an amicable arrangement with your husband (and his family) if possible and look after yourself too.

Good luck and a BIG HUG. I'm sure you'll get lots of support from this forum too.

hippychick1

Thank you for all the quick replies. My husband is in the forces, so we currently live in a married quarter on barracks. The idea of me and the kids renting our own little house together sounds perfect to me, but I know it will be hard work. Because of my husbands job, I am often on my own looking after the children anyway, so I am not worried too much about coping on my own.

His drinking has always been an issue really, but over the last two years it has got worse. I told him I was going to leave about 8 months ago, unless he stopped drinking. He lasted 2 weeks, then gradually got back into drinking 4 cans a night. 3 or 4 nights a week he will drink 8 or 9 cans. I cannot see the point of it, it is money down the drain. When I have tried to talk to him about it he says he has always been like this, and I am trying to change him. The thing is we're older now, with young kids, so he shouldn't be drinking like this.

Some days are ok, and I think we can really make things work, but 95% of the time I am desperate to leave. I think I am just waiting for the right moment to tell him.

Frasersmum - Is your situation ok now? What did you do?

pinkshoes

I don't normally do hugs, but (((((hugs)))).

My first thought is that your OH needs help. No man would BEG for someone to come back unless they really didn't want you to, so I'm thinking he needs a reality check.

Do you have anywhere you could go for a few days? I would write him a letter, explaining everything i.e. the drinking, the unhappiness, how he begged for you to come back and yet is now behaving even worse. Ask him if he still wants to be with you, because his behaviour is suggesting otherwise. Tell him that you've decided that unless he gets help (i.e. gives up drinking and gets councelling), then you won't be coming back.

Give him the choice of the alcohol, or you and the kids. See what he says.