Please help me

belfastgirl23

I agree with the others that the first step has to be to talk to your husband and make it clear that you can no longer go on like this.

I'd say in this conversation you need to be very calm and focused - it can't be come a row because this is easier for him to ignore. You need to tell him that his drinking is making you very unhappy, you're worried about the effect on the children. If you can prove it, it's also worth saying that his drinking is actually taking money away from essential things for his children. I'd also say have a clear plan of action that involves him doing something other than just giving up. Eg going to alcoholics anonymous, or his Forces counselling or his doctor. Somewhere where he needs to admit he has a problem basically. You could even give him a choice of the three to make him feel a bit more in control.

the other thing though is that he clearly isn't happy. I'd say you have to try to get him to admit this.

If he will not admit he's unhappy or that he has an alcohol problem then I think you do need to get out of there though...

Lots of luck!

quietheart

hippychick1 wrote: »

Thank you for this post. I don't see him as an alcoholic. Is he? He only drinks in the evening, and doesn't always get really drunk. It is not every night, usually 5 out of 7 though. My children have never really seen him drunk, as they are all in bed by half 7, it does worry me how they will view him as they get older. If we go out with friends though, he is always the one to be drunk within an hour, it has become a bit of a joke really. I used to laugh about it, now I just get embarrassed.
I think my perception of what is 'normal' drinking behaviour has been changed over the years. I have no idea whether his behaviour is over the top or not. He says he hasn't got a problem as he doesn't drink through the day. I'm so confused!!!

To me, he's an alcoholic, his drinking has become such a problem that you left him - that's a pretty big problem. He begged you to come back and he stopped for a couple of weeks - again I'd say that's a big problem. It doesn't matter what you call it, alcohol is affecting your family, he's closing down from his children, and you sound like you've shut down from him. I honestly think leaving him is will make the bottom fall out of his world and he might start taking responsiblity for his actions.
BTW you sound like a great mum so be proud of yourself!

mags1962

hi
I can only tell you my experiance in leaving my daughters dad , although he wasnt a drinker i was so unhappy , i was misreable for years and the only thing that kept me there was the guilt off taking my/our daughter away from him

I felt bad for her not for him but it got to the stage where it became an easier thought to leave than to stay as i was actually making her misreable with my unhappiness.
So after 6yrs off misary i left & had to stay in furnished acomodation with horible furniture etc but i was happy and so was she as i was more motivated to do things with her and all my attention was suddenly on her because i felt when i was so unhappy i was not paying her the attention she deserved because my mind was in turmoil
That was 9 yrs ago and now she says she is glad i left ( she is 17 now )
It was not an easy decision as i was living far from home so had to return to my home town and start all over again but looking back iam so glad i done it as the thought off me still living there almost turns my stomach.
my only regret was that i didnt do it sooner than i did but i couldnt as the guilt wore me down.
This is not a story aimed at making you leave but just to explain to you that you can do it if its necasary and my daughter never suffered at all as i engouraged contact with him and her and his family too and she was very secure

all the best in your choice & i know its a cleishy but true that life is way to short to be unhappy

m x

hippychick1

Thanks to all who have replied. I have felt like I have been going mad lately. Some days I think his drinking isn't that bad, then others I find empty cans stashed away. From all your replies I can see quite clearly now that his drinking is out of control, and I will sit him down and speak to him about it. Pinkshoes - I may write him a letter, that sounds a great idea as I can get my point across without him interrupting. Every time I bring up the subject my comments are always ignored or he says I'm making too big an issue of it.
It is not just his drinking though, his general behaviour towards me over the last couple of years has been terrible. I was pregnant last year, being really sick all the time. He had two months off work, where he did absolutely nothing, then complained to me that the house was a mess all the time!! I was trying my best to look after our two other children and to keep myself from being sick. He does not seem to want to be involved with the children at all.
I know he is unhappy at work, and he wants to leave. He cannot do this for another year, then he may be happier. I try to talk to him about work, but he just says I won't understand. I cannot live like this for another year on the off chance that he will become a different person overnight when he leaves the army!!!!

hippychick1

mags1962 wrote: »

hi
I, i was misreable for years and the only thing that kept me there was the guilt off taking my/our daughter away from him

life is way to short to be unhappy

m x

This is how I feel mags. I feel generally unhappy, and am on anti depressants due to the situation. When he found out I was on anti depressants his reply was "its because you can't look after the kids, they're too much for you" then proceeded to tell me what a rubbish mother I was.
I don't want to be unhappy anymore. I need to have this out with him!!!

hippychick1

rovers wrote: »

BTW you sound like a great mum so be proud of yourself!

Thank you for this, it made me cry. I'm so emotional at the minute!!

mags1962

hippychick1 wrote: »

This is how I feel mags. I feel generally unhappy, and am on anti depressants due to the situation. When he found out I was on anti depressants his reply was "its because you can't look after the kids, they're too much for you" then proceeded to tell me what a rubbish mother I was.
I don't want to be unhappy anymore. I need to have this out with him!!!

jeez ! ''because you cant look after the kids'' well why didnt he help you then if that was the case ? rubish mother !!! he was on the defensive he obviously knows that its him thats the rubish dad and trying to turn the tables and take advantage off your sensative nature , i have been there too , been put on the guilt trip ! there is a name for that behaviour its reverse something or other ? and can be used against ppl who have a conciounce ie you
please dont let somebdy treat you like that


When i continualy tried to tell my daughters father how unhappy i was he just didnt want to listen to me so i tried and tried and tried to no avail and what made me really decide was this........i was at the end off my tether i had lost my parents and i was so un happy when i put it to him that i was going to leave and you know what he said ? ''dont be stupid how can you cope financialy on your own'' !!! well that was it for me i was out off there.

good luck i do hope you manage to discuss with him how you are feeling and i do hope that he listens & if he doesnt then personally i would get out because the way i see it is the relationship is a two way street not a one way

m xxxxx

hippychick1

I know things cannot go on like this now. He is away till Friday, so I think I will gather my thought and write them down for him to read. We are having a meal out Saturday night, just the two of us. I am going to ask him not to drink so we can sort things out, and talk properly. I know he won't like this. We rarely go out, so he is looking forward to going out and getting pi**ed.
This really is my last shot at trying to sort things out. I have been giving him ultimatums for too long now.

ameratsu

Get some help and support from SSAFA.
Inform his C.O. if need be - if he's drinking that much at night he's possibly over the limit still in the morning - if he's driving he could kill someone.
I'm assuming he's army - I know the drinking culture is ingrained but how can he be an effective soldier if he drinks so much?
You and your children deserve a better life.

Morglin

hippychick1 wrote: »

I want to leave my husband. There, I've said it now. This scares the hell out of me though. Things have not been right between us for a long time, and we have just grown apart. I actually left him, back in July, but after three days of him begging, I went back again. He promised things would change, but that lasted about a week.
We have been together 9 years, married for 7, and have three young children together. It is my children that I am most concerned about, about the effect this will have on them. I feel so guilty for thinking about leaving, but he will not stop drinking. He drinks most nights, and we have barely any money to get by. He is so selfish. He snaps at the kids all the time, and I feel sorry for them.
If I left, I would have to claim benefits, and probably declare myself bankrupt due to all our debts being in my name. I have never had to do anything like this before, and the thought of depending on the state all because I couldn't make my marriage work is terrifying me.
I am shaking whilst typing this. I have almost written this post so many times before, but am scared to admit things really are this bad. I know I have to leave.
Has anyone else been through this? How have your children coped?

If you want to leave, then you need to sort out the practicalities first.

Go to the CAB and see what all the options will be with finances, benefits etc.,. If you will need rehousing, go to your local council and register (although would it not be easier to remove your husband from the home if you're having the kids ?)

I finally ended my marriage after 32 years, and as I have a major disability, this step required a lot of thought etc., but it can be done, you will get through it, and I've never been happier.

So, if you are SURE this is what you want, then just take your time and make it as painless as possible for all concerned.

Good luck.

Lin