Please help me

ih8stress

With most drinkers they don't see it as a problem and until they admit it IS a problem and are prepared to get help for it, the situation usually continues.

It sounds like your husband needs to seek medical attention to help him with his habit, just stopping for a week or two is obviously not the answer.

hippychick1

pinkshoes wrote: »

I don't normally do hugs, but (((((hugs)))).

No man would BEG for someone to come back unless they really didn't want you to, so I'm thinking he needs a reality check.

I thought this to. I couldn't believe it when I left, and he really was gutted. I thought, by his previous behaviour, that me and the kids were just in his way, and I thought he'd be happier on his own. I couldn't believe how upset he was. We have had so many arguments over his drinking I feel he has had soooo many 'last chances', I am at the end of my tether.
My close friends know about the situation, and all tell me to walk away, even though they know us both, and get on with us both. I feel I have been boring them with the same problem for years. One friend turned round the other day and said "how long are you going to do nothing about it for?" If I don't leave soon, I will still be here in 30 years time, moaning about the same old problems.
I just needed to let all this out, and stop beating myself up for taking the children away from him. I would let him see them whenever he liked, I just feel life would be so much better on my own

quietheart

Please leave him for your kid's sake.
I grew up with an alcoholic dad and it has a lifelong affect on you. Kids pick up on so much. My mum has no idea how badly our childhood affected us all. By staying with him unfortunately you are enabling his bad behaviour.
Get out quick. Give everyone a chance of a better life.
Hope this doesn't sound harsh, it isn't meant to be, I know it's a big one but you have to do it.
Best of luck

hippychick1

rovers wrote: »

Please leave him for your kid's sake.
I grew up with an alcoholic dad and it has a lifelong affect on you. Kids pick up on so much. My mum has no idea how badly our childhood affected us all. By staying with him unfortunately you are enabling his bad behaviour.
Get out quick. Give everyone a chance of a better life.
Hope this doesn't sound harsh, it isn't meant to be, I know it's a big one but you have to do it.
Best of luck

Thank you for this post. I don't see him as an alcoholic. Is he? He only drinks in the evening, and doesn't always get really drunk. It is not every night, usually 5 out of 7 though. My children have never really seen him drunk, as they are all in bed by half 7, it does worry me how they will view him as they get older. If we go out with friends though, he is always the one to be drunk within an hour, it has become a bit of a joke really. I used to laugh about it, now I just get embarrassed.
I think my perception of what is 'normal' drinking behaviour has been changed over the years. I have no idea whether his behaviour is over the top or not. He says he hasn't got a problem as he doesn't drink through the day. I'm so confused!!!

pinkshoes

hippychick1 wrote: »

I thought this to. I couldn't believe it when I left, and he really was gutted. I thought, by his previous behaviour, that me and the kids were just in his way, and I thought he'd be happier on his own. I couldn't believe how upset he was. We have had so many arguments over his drinking I feel he has had soooo many 'last chances', I am at the end of my tether.
My close friends know about the situation, and all tell me to walk away, even though they know us both, and get on with us both. I feel I have been boring them with the same problem for years. One friend turned round the other day and said "how long are you going to do nothing about it for?" If I don't leave soon, I will still be here in 30 years time, moaning about the same old problems.

The problem with drinkers is that admitting they have a problem is horrendous as they usually can't see it.

You've been with your OH a LONG time, so there must be some good there. I really think you need to put this all in writing for him, and make it very clear that he has one last chance; it's either you and the kids (+ councilling), OR the drink. He can't have both. He can't have "just one can". It's all or nothing. His choice.

Would you say that if he didn't drink, you'd have a good family relationship?

You need to put it in writing that if he chooses his family, then that means NO alcohol ever again, and that if you EVER catch him with a drop, it's over for good.

The fact that he begged last time makes me think he's very much out of his depth with the drinking thing, and can't see what damage he's doing, so at least by having it all down on paper as a choice, might make him see sense.

Obviously if he chooses the drink, you walk...

Sparkkee

hippychick1 wrote: »

Thank you for this post. I don't see him as an alcoholic. Is he? He only drinks in the evening, and doesn't always get really drunk. It is not every night, usually 5 out of 7 though. My children have never really seen him drunk, as they are all in bed by half 7, it does worry me how they will view him as they get older. If we go out with friends though, he is always the one to be drunk within an hour, it has become a bit of a joke really. I used to laugh about it, now I just get embarrassed.
I think my perception of what is 'normal' drinking behaviour has been changed over the years. I have no idea whether his behaviour is over the top or not. He says he hasn't got a problem as he doesn't drink through the day. I'm so confused!!!

hippychick, if you took away his beer and his money tonight and said no more for a week, would he become stressed/angry/depressed by you doing so?

RadoJo

If you have asked him to alter his drinking habits and he can't or won't then regardless of the label, he has a 'drinking problem'.

The time of day that he drinks is irrelevant if he considers his relationship with the alcohol more important than his relationship with you.

It's all very well for him to claim that he doesn't have a problem, but obviously he either decided it wasn't important enough, or too hard to curb his drinking when you asked him to the first time you left, so now it has come to the point where you want to give him an ultimatum. It doesn't matter how much he drinks or whether he seems drunk or not - if he is prepared to sacrifice his family for his nightly drinking, then he has a problem.

hippychick1

Yes he would. I suppose I have stopped going on at him about it now, but yes that did happen. We would have an argument about how he didn't think it was a big deal, then find some money from somewhere and buy beer. You're making me realise what a problem this has become.

hippychick1

pinkshoes wrote: »

T

Would you say that if he didn't drink, you'd have a good family relationship?

I've been thinking about this question, and I really don't know anymore. 2 years ago, I would have said everything was fine, if only he would stop drinking. Now though, I just feel so much resentment has built up that I don't think I love him anymore. He barely interacts with the children, and sees them as a chore. He sits playing games on his computer.
I think, even without the drinking, our relationship is not good.

Milford_Cubicle

A man's advised limit is a maximum of 21 units of alcohol per week. A can is approximately 2 units. That means he should be having a maximum of 11 cans per week, it sounds like he's having that in two nights. If he's drinking 5 nights out of 7, then he's not yet an alcoholic, but is certainly well on his way to being one.

Is it worth speaking to the forces medical team about it? It's not going to be long before it does become such a problem it affects his work. He's not going to thank you for it, but I think intervention is needed before he hits the self destruct button. If losing his wife isn't enough to make him give his head a shake, then perhaps someone of medical stature having a chat with him might give him the kick he needs.

If it's purely the drink which is driving a wedge between you and deep down you know he'll never stop, then leave. If it's other things too, then leave. If it's only the drink and there's a chance he can stop with help, then get him that help and give him a chance.

Good luck with whatever happens, and well done taking that first step to admitting things need to change.