Please help me

debs66_2

hi hippychick, i've not read all of the thread but here goes....

10 years ago next month, i had been married for 11 years after being with my husband for 4 years before that. i was desperately unhappy (too much to go into, but mostly jealousy and control), and when i thought of my future it was a black wall. that was all i saw in my head. nothing. we had two kids under 10.

i eventually told him i wanted a divorce and was almost sick saying the words. it was a tough week while he moved out, and a hard couple of years while i got on my feet. but, i was prepared to work, and got a p/t job within school hours. i later got an extra admin job i could do from home while the kids were in bed, and all wages were topped up with tax credits.

it was the best thing i did, not only for me, but for my girls. they have grown up to be so intelligent and confident, because they now have a strong, confident mother as a role model. it's lovely to know you can set your own path and walk it.

i should say that i am not one to tell people to walk away from a marriage without trying to sort things out, and this may be the shock that gets your hubby to address his drinking problem. you have to think though, if he does get his act together, are you too far moved on in your head to start again with him...? only you can answer that.

i was once given some great advice about leaving a job, and that was to 'leave in your head first', because once you know you are leaving, it is easier to go in each day, and it's easier to find work when employed. i think this could apply for you though. you will be surprised how relieved you will be when you say it out loud to him, and although will still feel sick, some of the emotions churning your gut will be good ones, in anticipation of your new life.

if you do go down this route, remember that he is solely repsonsible for his own actions, and you are being the best mother possible by trying to give your kids a better life. your hubby is a grown man, and if you are not worth changing for, he is not worth holding on to.

good luck

Loretta

Don't worry about all the horrible things he says about you. Anyone on here who has or had a husband or partners like yours and is going through the same experience can tell you a list of things they ALL say, hopeless mother, useless, fat, ugly, no one else will ever want you, you will be on your own for ever, you will not manage financially, the problem is yours not his, you will soon come crawling back, you are obviously going mad, he will go to court and get custody of the children, you will never see the children again, the children will hate you, family, friends will all hate you, everyone one knows what you are like, they are all talking about you, they are all on his side, everyone says they don't know why he stays with you - have I missed anything out? You will find that all these sort of people have a script and they all say exactly the same thing, don't think that any of what is being said to you is true because they all say exactly the same thing.

When I was a social worker, up until 1989, when I was dealing with domestic violence I used to write down and keep a note of what these partners/husband's said, their own particular comments. I worked there for 15 years and during this time I saw the 2nd, 3rd, 4th 5th etc wife or partner of the same man several times. One particular girl I was helping, and this was the first time my theory worked, told me that her husband would not let her out of the house on her own, this was when I realised that it was not just violence involved it was also about control, and he used to say that when she walked a few yards down the road to post a letter she was really going to wave down a lorry and have sex with the driver, obviously a complete stranger, and then post the letter and then go back home. All this would take about two and a half minutes!! this poor girl needed a new man like a hole in the head, the one she had probably put her off men for life. When she told me this I started laughing while I went through my notes looking for what I had written down about the previous 3 wives/partners and I was able to show her that he had said exactly the same thing to all the previous ones. She thought that she had given her man reason to say all this nonsense. We laughed ourselves silly for about 10 minutes and the descion was made for her without any more worrying about whether or not she was doing the right thing.

You are not the problem, you are not the cause of his behaviour, but he is the cause or your unhappiness and anxiety. You are not to blame and you are concerned, rightly so, about your children and the affect all this is having on them.

As has been said there must be some sort of welfare people in the forces you can speak to for practical advice for you with regards housing, money etc. Get some advice from them and some legal advice, make a plan so that you can pick the time and get organised

Good luck

quietheart

It sounds like he has been knocking at your confidence for so long that you are doing what he wants and you are questioning yourself. You shouldn't have to put up with it, he sounds like such a bully. His bad behaviour has become normal for him, he probably doesn't realise how bad he's become. But you have to make things better for your family now. Shame he won't.
Do really feel for you but know you can sort it out, you are half way there already, you've probably done the hardest bit by admitting it to yourself.
Take care

hippychick1

I feel really naive having read all these posts now. I have been taken for a fool for too long now. My husband came home unexpectedly last night, and I was unprepared to really talk to him. By the time I had put the kids in the bath, he had had 2 cans. He only had 4 last night, but I noticed they are 3 units per can!!
I just do not know how to bring the subject up with him. I now realise I have no confidence at all. I should be able to say to him "Why are you drinking all the time" but even the thought of saying that to him makes me nervous. How have I ended up like this?

elona

hippychick

A sculptor does not turn a massive block of marble into a statue by just whacking it with a big hammer a dozen times!

It takes hundreds of little blows chipping away at the block , day after day!!!!

That is what he has done to you. If someone who is supposed to love and care for you keeps telling you that you are doing things wrong, that you can't cope etc, then you are more likely to listen to them than to someone else who has not already been given your trust.

You gave him your trust and loyalty - I doubt that he has earnt it or that he deserves it!

You have been acting out of love, responsibility and loyalty while has been acting out of pure selfishness and egocentricity.

frasersmum123

hippychick1 wrote: »

Frasersmum - Is your situation ok now? What did you do?

My husband and I finally reconsiled after about 6 months, and he got help with his drinking. To be honest I think us moving out was what he needed to kick him into shape. I still loved him, just not his behavior - especially as he is a nasty drunk (not violent, just mean).

To be honest I think you have to decide like I did - do I still love my husband, and am put off by his drinking, or have you totally fallen out of love? I think there is a big difference and if you can decide it will help you with the path you need to take - is the relationship worth fighting for?

mags1962

hippychick1 wrote: »

I feel really naive having read all these posts now. I have been taken for a fool for too long now. My husband came home unexpectedly last night, and I was unprepared to really talk to him. By the time I had put the kids in the bath, he had had 2 cans. He only had 4 last night, but I noticed they are 3 units per can!!
I just do not know how to bring the subject up with him. I now realise I have no confidence at all. I should be able to say to him "Why are you drinking all the time" but even the thought of saying that to him makes me nervous. How have I ended up like this?

hippychick stop beating yourself up for being a caring person and use the energy to do something about it , put all your energy into making your life better because it seems that its only you that can do it , its nice to have a husband whom you can depend on and lean on in times off need , is that not partly the reason why we look for that special person to share our lifes with ? yep and it sounds to me like you are sailing the ship alone so what differance would it make if you were on your own with the children ? exactly , the only differance is that you wont have another BIG kid to worry about !!.
I know its dificult to take the step but once you do you will look back and say you wished you had done it earlier.

Why can you not talk to him ? answer me that ? sounds to me like he has ripped all your confidance away and the results is low self asteem. is that the actions off somebdy who loves you ?
It shouldnt be like this , it means that he is controlling you in a way maybe that is not visable or you cannot see because your self asteem is so low

hugs to you x

m x

quietheart

mags1962 wrote: »

hippychick stop beating yourself up for being a caring person and use the energy to do something about it , put all your energy into making your life better because it seems that its only you that can do it , its nice to have a husband whom you can depend on and lean on in times off need , is that not partly the reason why we look for that special person to share our lifes with ? yep and it sounds to me like you are sailing the ship alone so what differance would it make if you were on your own with the children ? exactly , the only differance is that you wont have another BIG kid to worry about !!.

just wanted to second that, don't give yourself a hard time you need any little energy you've got left. maybe do a list and confront him with it so you don't forget the main points........ best of luck with him
x

basketcase

It's also known as "Boiled Frog Syndrome". If you put a frog in a pan of hot water, it'll jump out. If you put it in a pan of cold water and heat it, the frog will allow itself to be boiled to death because the temperature rise is so gradual it doesn't notice.

Been there, done that, rivit!!

hippychick1

Well I've done it. I have left. I am so nervous, and feel a bit sick but I know I have done the right thing. Onwards and upwards! :j