Please help me

belfastgirl23

Hi Hippychick just to say don't feel you have wasted your time. You needed to try to work on the relationship so that when it came time to leave you would know you had done your absolute best to make it work and had tried everything you could for the sake of your children. Now you know it isn't going to work.

As the others say, the violence is not your fault. I'm not saying it was the right response but at the same time you can't let him off the hook for what he did either. By all means take responsibility for not reacting appropriately but has he taken responsibility for what he did?

Lots of luck and do keep in touch with us...

ih8stress

HippyChick. I am SO sorry that you are back here again! Firstly I would rather be scared at the prospect of leaving, setting up a new home, life with your children etc. than be scared on a day to day basis of living with someone who's behaviour has become unpredictable. The most important thing now is to get out with your children and get yourselves in a safe environment. As others have suggested Women's Aid is an excellent place to start.

You have put 100% effort into making it work so do not feel bad or blame yourself in anyway. You should be proud of yourself for giving it your best shot.

Good luck and take care

[Deleted User]

Hi Hippychick

I'm so sorry that things have not worked out as you had hoped, but you can walk away now knowing that you gave 100% to your marriage and family. Now it's time to give 100% to you and your kids. I wish you all the best, keep posting.

bestpud

I whole heartedly agree you have not wasted your time and you can now walk away knowing you have done your best.

I know just how you feel and I wish I could give you a big hug!

It does get better though - honest!

Please don't forget to take care of yourself as well as others, and pm me any time you feel you need a chat.

annonymous_2

bestpud wrote: »

I haven't read the thread, and it's long, so I'm just responding to your last post (just saying in case I make a booboo!)

I feel exactly the same and still do now we have separated.

I still love my ex (I hate calling him that but DH doesn't seem right any more) but I cannot live with him for various reasons.

I was sure I was doing the right thing and I am still sure of that but it has been hard because I didn't want to hurt him.

I can say though, that only now can I see how bad it had got. I think we often just get on with things but that doesn't make it right and there are a few things that seemed normal at the time, but now I can see they were not.

If anything we get on better now but I know we will never be a couple again - he would come back at the drop of a hat but I just know we'd be in the same boat within a month or two.

I got to the point where I was looking ahead and it all seemed so bleak and I knew something had to change. My OH would never have said 'stop' no matter how bad it got, so I did.

The other changing point for me was the realisation that my children may think our existance was normal and I hate the thought of them accepting that sort of life for themselves.

I don't know if that is helpful or not, but be reassured you are not alone. I often think it would be easier if I hated him as I wouldn't feel so guilty for wanting out, but it just isn't like that. In fact, I think I will always love him...

PM me if you want to chat some more.

I could have written most of that myself and am nearly in tears reading it because it's how I feel but I'm still living with my husband. I don't feel ready to leave for lots of reason a)what it would do to my 8 & 6 years olds who adore their father b)he is on antidepressants and waiting for CBT c)I have spent the last 2 years putting my heart and sole into refurbishing our near derelect house and can't face leaving it.
My husband and I have nothing in common and in reality never actually did, and as much as I love him (like a family member not a lover) I really don't even like him - I've had my doubts all along but wanted stability and to be loved, which he has always given me. I just can't face the thought that I will spend the rest of my life making do. To make matters worse I have become very close to an old male friend who I knew had always wanted me, we chat on msn every night and have arranged a weekend together in a couple of weeks. I feel guilty as I have never cheated before and know it would hurt my husband if he found out but I just want some time for me where I can do something for me instead of thinking of him and the kids. I know that although me and my male friend have always had a mental connection unlike anything I've ever known, he would be unlikely to be a suitable long-term partner around kids as he's never really grown up - I just don't know what to do, and to make it worse my husband as he went out this morning suggested we might need to go to marriage counselling - I daren't tell him how I'm really feeling.

BTW although this appears as my first post I have been a regular poster on MSE for a few years but daren't use my normal login for this post - I actually found this thread while looking for previous advice on marriage split up involving children.

Hippychick, I can't imagine how you're feeling because your situation is so different to mine but I do know your thread seems to demonstrate what a fantastic person you are, you are an inspiration and despite your reservations I can honestly say that you seem to be an incrediby strong caring mum.

busiscoming2

hippychick1 I haven't read all the posts just the last couple of pages. For your childrens wellbeing and your sanity you have to leave. It is so difficult to actually do it but so worth it in the long run.
Do you have family to go to as a stopgap? If not look for a rented place, if you are not working you will be entitled to benefits including housing benefit which will pay your rent.

I hope you find the strength to move on.

hippychick1

Quick update, OH is away till tomorrow, so will have it out with him then. He still thinks I'm just in 'a huff' and will come round. Something is different this time round. I think because of all we've gone through in the last 6 months, there is no point in carrying on. We've had counselling, and that obviously hasn't worked.

I have spoken to my boss at work, and she is reducing my shifts, as I cannot work till 10pm with OH having the kids. I am just going to do the odd shift when I can. I have told my childminder that I will no longer need her after this month. I have viewed two houses, which unfortunately were not suitable for us. Hopefully I'll find something soon.

OH is still sending me nice texts, as if nothing has happened, but he hasn't phoned, which he usually does every day when he's away. He obviously knows things aren't right.

I'm so nervous about being on my own, but I know this is it. He's had too many chances. Thanks for all your support.

xxx

hippychick1

anonymous - If you really want to leave and are unhappy, then just leave. Life is too damn short to be unhappy. Sometimes you need to be selfish, and do what is best for you.

Perhaps going to counselling could be beneficial. You could say how you were truly feeling, and someone else would be in the room to help you cope with your husband's reaction. They will also help you make plans to move forward.

Please please please don't go behind your husbands back. This is what my husband did to me and it virtually broke me. I have never felt pain like it.

Sorry, just read that back. Didn't mean to preach at you!!!

ih8stress

Anonymous, I agree with HippyChick. No matter how bad (or good) a relationship is, it would be very destructive to find comfort/help/solace in somebody else. Even if this other chap was perfect for you, you are not in the right frame of mind to deal with the situation and it is pointless trying to rely on another 'relationship' to solve your present one.

It would be far more helpful to yourself and all involved if you were to resolve your current situation eg. counselling etc. as HippyChick has suggested. Alot of people look for a 'quick fix' elsewhere and end up making the situation far worse. Also you probably need to rediscover yourself and your needs before embarking on a new relationship. Good luck.

annonymous_2

Thanks for your advice and no it doesn't sound like you're preaching, when I was writing it seeing it in black and white reinforced to me that going behind my husbands back wouldn't help either of us to see clearly. I think your advice about having someone there when I tell my husband how I feel sounds very wise, I've tried to tell him before and even wrote it down in a letter but he just thinks it will go away if he ignores it and I feel too scared about making the wrong decision so we end up just carrying on. I hope you soon find somewhere else to move to and I'm sure you'll be so relieved when you actually move out. I look forward to hearing a happy ending to your thread, you are brave in making the move and I'm sure there are lots of others out there who like me might be inspired to change their lives as a result. Thanks again & good luck.

PS ih8stress - thanks for the sensible advice, I have only just told a couple of friends about this because I was scared what they would think of me and actually they were incredibly supportive and said lots of similar things. I had already realised that rediscovering me was something I needed to do as I had become so focused on being a good housewife and mum that I had given up any other interests. I thought going out with friends more and restarting hobbies I used to enjoy might make me happier with my life but they've just reinforced how unhappy I am in my marriage. I'm now in tears typing this because I know what I should do but am just scared of the effect it would have on those I love, I've even just lied to my 6 year old daughter that I had something in my eye but I don't think she believed me because still seemed concerned and said I looked funny.