Please help me

chatnoir

Hi Hippychick,

Dont think of it as a waste of time. If you had left 6mths ago you might be thinking "maybe we would of been ok if we'd just worked at it". Atleast if it ends now you know that you tried your best and you can tell your children that too.

all the best xox

hippychick1

One last update on this thread from me.

I have decided to leave my husband. He has slipped back into drinking most nights, and refuses too see this as a problem. Over the last couple of months he has ruined nights out, hit me twice and smashed my brand new mobile because I was going to phone my dad because I was scared of him.

Last night he ruined a night out, and when I confronted him today, he somehow made it all out to be my fault. I phoned the people we went out with to apologise and they were fuming. They said it was all OH's fault, and why am I apologising? I realise he has done this for years, always makes me out to be at fault.

He went out this afternoon and I sent him a text saying 'this is pointless, I am going to move out'. He came back an hour later with a couple of cans and has not mentioned it. He is now fast asleep upstairs.

I am decided though, too many things have happened now, I'm worth more than this. I am scared though!!!!!

Hopefully my life will turn around. It can only get better.

x

iceicebaby

hippychick1 wrote: »

One last update on this thread from me.

I have decided to leave my husband. He has slipped back into drinking most nights, and refuses too see this as a problem. Over the last couple of months he has ruined nights out, hit me twice and smashed my brand new mobile because I was going to phone my dad because I was scared of him.

Last night he ruined a night out, and when I confronted him today, he somehow made it all out to be my fault. I phoned the people we went out with to apologise and they were fuming. They said it was all OH's fault, and why am I apologising? I realise he has done this for years, always makes me out to be at fault.

He went out this afternoon and I sent him a text saying 'this is pointless, I am going to move out'. He came back an hour later with a couple of cans and has not mentioned it. He is now fast asleep upstairs.

I am decided though, too many things have happened now, I'm worth more than this. I am scared though!!!!!

Hopefully my life will turn around. It can only get better.

x

Well done on making this difficult decision. xx Keep us updated we are all here to help xx

seven-day-weekend

Have not kept up withthis thread, but didn't want to read and run.

Hippychick, I'm so sad for you. However if he is hitting you and being violent then he has great problems. Maybe they can be sorted, but it's probably best if they are sorted while you are not together. You may even get back together at some point, but whatever happens in the future, right now I think you need to be away from him.

I wish you all the best and please keep us posted.

yoni_one

Hippychick, I too have not read all of this thread and am responding to your latest post.

Have you had support from any of the agencies dealing with Domestic Violence and Abuse? You can get non-judgemental support and information on the helpline posted in my signature. Also have a look on www.womensaid.org.uk for your local services.

It is a very vulnerable time leaving an abusive relationship and you can get help, you can also get support if you want to stay in the relationship.

I'm sorry if I have just repeated stuff already covered in this thread. I just wanted to err on the side of caution and make sure you know about the help out there.

I work for Women's Aid. Please PM me if you want any further information.

Please assess your risks and think about forming a safety plan for when you leave, I hope you never need to use it but it helps to have one.

You have a right to a life free from physical and emotional abuse. I'm sorry things have not worked out as you would have hoped. It isn't for lack of trying on your part. You can only do so much and it is sad when the other person wont meet you half way, or even worse blames everything on you.

Take care

geminilady

hippychick1 wrote: »

One last update on this thread from me.

I have decided to leave my husband. He has slipped back into drinking most nights, and refuses too see this as a problem. Over the last couple of months he has ruined nights out, hit me twice and smashed my brand new mobile because I was going to phone my dad because I was scared of him.

Last night he ruined a night out, and when I confronted him today, he somehow made it all out to be my fault. I phoned the people we went out with to apologise and they were fuming. They said it was all OH's fault, and why am I apologising? I realise he has done this for years, always makes me out to be at fault.

He went out this afternoon and I sent him a text saying 'this is pointless, I am going to move out'. He came back an hour later with a couple of cans and has not mentioned it. He is now fast asleep upstairs.

I am decided though, too many things have happened now, I'm worth more than this. I am scared though!!!!!

Hopefully my life will turn around. It can only get better.

x

Hi ,read through your thread and it seems like you are at exactly the same place as you were six months ago,you have been to relate,tried talking and still nothing has changed infact as your husband is now hitting you it has got worse.I was married to a drinker for twenty years waiting for him to change, it never happened.Do you really want to spend your life the same?Today you say you are leaving but you have done that before and gone back, yes things get better for while but it does not and will not last.You deserve better,so do your children.He went to sleep after you telling him you are leaving! either he realises you do not have the courage to do it or he just does not care.You are worth more.Of course you are scared change is scary but you WILL survive and be a lot happier than you are now.

hippychick1

I have realised the exact same thing. I have put everything into our relationship, and I feel he has just thrown it back in my face. He is still acting as though I never sent the text. I know I am back where I started 6 months ago. What a waste of my time.

hippychick1

Yoni - He has never really hit me before, just grabbed me a few times when he's been drunk, and left bruises. The night he hit me, it was mainly my fault. He was laughing and boasting about the woman he had slept with, so I slapped him. He slapped me back, but it knocked me to the floor. I was scared, cos he's never done anything like that before, but it was just a reaction to me slapping him. I went downstairs to get my phone to call my dad to come and fetch me. He threw it to the floor and stood on it. I called him names, so he went to punch me. I ducked, but he caught the top of my head and knocked me to the floor.

This is the only time anything like that has ever happened. I am definitely leaving. I have realised I cannot change him.

Hopeful1

hippychick1 wrote: »

Yoni - He has never really hit me before, just grabbed me a few times when he's been drunk, and left bruises. The night he hit me, it was mainly my fault. He was laughing and boasting about the woman he had slept with, so I slapped him. He slapped me back, but it knocked me to the floor. I was scared, cos he's never done anything like that before, but it was just a reaction to me slapping him. I went downstairs to get my phone to call my dad to come and fetch me. He threw it to the floor and stood on it. I called him names, so he went to punch me. I ducked, but he caught the top of my head and knocked me to the floor.

This is the only time anything like that has ever happened. I am definitely leaving. I have realised I cannot change him.

Hippchick, the fact that you have said this incidence is your fault sends alarm bells ringing for me. Yes, you slapped him, but he was blatantly provoking you by BOASTING about his infidelity. That is extremely cruel. It is NOT ok for him to just grab you either, especially when he is leaving bruises.

I'm sorry to post in such a harsh way, but you come across as a wonderful, compassionate person who has tried so hard to make things work. I find it quite upsetting that this is the return you have had for your efforts. I have no doubt that leaving will be an extremely hard and emotional thing to do, but if it's going to be for the best long term....

Life's too short hun. I hope you will have continued support from your friends and family and that you find the strength to get through this.

Take good care of yourself.

yoni_one

hippychick1 wrote: »

Yoni - He has never really hit me before, just grabbed me a few times when he's been drunk, and left bruises. The night he hit me, it was mainly my fault. He was laughing and boasting about the woman he had slept with, so I slapped him. He slapped me back, but it knocked me to the floor. I was scared, cos he's never done anything like that before, but it was just a reaction to me slapping him. I went downstairs to get my phone to call my dad to come and fetch me. He threw it to the floor and stood on it. I called him names, so he went to punch me. I ducked, but he caught the top of my head and knocked me to the floor.

This is the only time anything like that has ever happened. I am definitely leaving. I have realised I cannot change him.

Hippychick please please note that you are not to blame for his violence against you and direct and indirect threats ie grabbing you hard enough to leave bruises is also a form of domestic violence and abuse.

Slapping him in response to his deliberate provocation is not to be excused, violence in any form is wrong, however I suspect he may have been goading you to give him a reason to beat you up and even if he wasn't goading you for that reason, he was goading you for some reason. Why would one person do that to another?

The point is he and only he is responsible for his response to your slap. He could have walked away from it, he could have even attempted to restrain you but what he chose to do was slap you back so hard it knocked you to the floor, he then went on to deliberately prevent you from getting any help by throwing your phone on the floor and standing on it. That is really scary.

When you called him names he went to punch you. Thankfully you ducked, but he caught the top of your head and knocked you to the floor. What might have happened had he caught you where he was aiming for?

Your response to him boasting about his infidelity was to slap him, his response to your slap was as described. You did not cause that level of violence.

Hippychick, please go to the womens aid website and have a read about the different types of domestic violence and abuse. I think you will find that you have been living with it for much longer than you think and once you identify it for what it is you begin to start understanding what you have been dealing with and how best to move forward as you to prepare to leave. They can also support you with the practicalities involved.

Just one more thing, statistically women targets of DVA on average are assaulted at least 35 times before they report it to the police. If you had slapped a stranger after they provoked you to a level of rage and they responded in the same way as your partner would you still think you had caused it and so maybe sort of deserved it?

I do understand exactly how you feel at the moment, it is more than horrible. DVA goes in cycles, you cannot make your partner change his behaviour but you do have absolute power over your choices for you.

Whatever you choose to do now is going to be difficult and you will have to face some difficult challenges that your choices present, but please remember that you are responsible for your choices even if you end up trying to work on your relationship again or choosing to do nothing and hope he will change. And there is professional support out there for you whatever you decide to do.

I know the support available on these forums is fantastic but I urge you to please ring the helpline, you don't need to give your name or anything and it can really help to talk on a one to one basis with a stranger who will simply help you explore your options.

Take care x