Please help me

hippychick1

Well, here I am again

Quick update, been separated 4 months. 6 weeks ago decided to try again. He's been going alcohol counselling, been like a different person. We went away on holiday with the kids 2 weeks ago. Everything has been great, but something had been bothering me. Couldn't put my finger on it.

Yesterday out of the blue some woman on facebook got in touch (been suspicious about her name on his profile for a while). Says she's been seeing him for about a month :mad: So much for our damn fresh start. We'd been talking about our future together and everything.

He had told her we were separated she's gutted too. They were old friends, got in touch through FB. She lives miles away, so they only met up this wknd. He told me he was going to a mates. They never slept together cos he couldn't bring himself to. Feeling to guilty apparently.

She's sent me emails of all their msn chat. It made me sick. Its all so loving, and also VERY explicit. I feel sick.

SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME TO DUMP THIS LOSER.

Don't know why I keep thinking it will work. Don't want to be divorced.

whitewing

Awww Hippychick. You deserve someone who will love you wholeheartedly. Dump the loser!

seven-day-weekend

When someone I know well begged for another chance and was given it, he proved himself worthy of it, showed how much he loved his wife and managed to restore her trust and they are still happily married years after the incident.

Your husband unfortunately appears to not be using his 'last chance' to show you these things and I really do think that your marriage is over as he does not seem to want it to continue. Not at the expense of mending his ways anyway.

So sorry. Thinking about you and praying for you.

Sagaris

Just kick him in to touch - he obviously doesn't feel the same about your relationship, and is wanting to have his cake and eat it.

While you are investing time in him you are wasting time - time that you could be happy.

I made the same mistake - didn't want to be divorced with 2 kids, but due to his drinking and DV it made things impossible.

I moved out, he kept the house, he remarried (immediately, to someone he'd been seeing all along although he swore otherwise) and is still drinking as far as I know.

I struggled on financially, had a relationship for a number of years that was never going anywhere and resigned myself to being on my own - then I met the love of my life, was not thinking of getting married but he was persistent! If anyone had told me 5 years ago how my life would be now I'd have called them a liar!

You don't know what is around the corner for you if you go it alone, but I can tell you it will be nothing but miserable if you keep this loser anywhere in your life. Things won't be easy on your own, but at least you know you can depend on yourself, and your children.

Chuck him out - do it today!!!!

Zara33

hippychick1 wrote: »

Well, here I am again

Quick update, been separated 4 months. 6 weeks ago decided to try again. He's been going alcohol counselling, been like a different person. We went away on holiday with the kids 2 weeks ago. Everything has been great, but something had been bothering me. Couldn't put my finger on it.

Yesterday out of the blue some woman on facebook got in touch (been suspicious about her name on his profile for a while). Says she's been seeing him for about a month :mad: So much for our damn fresh start. We'd been talking about our future together and everything.

He had told her we were separated she's gutted too. They were old friends, got in touch through FB. She lives miles away, so they only met up this wknd. He told me he was going to a mates. They never slept together cos he couldn't bring himself to. Feeling to guilty apparently.

She's sent me emails of all their msn chat. It made me sick. Its all so loving, and also VERY explicit. I feel sick.

SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME TO DUMP THIS LOSER.

Don't know why I keep thinking it will work. Don't want to be divorced.

We can tell you to dump this loser till the cows come home but at the end of the day, you are the only person who has the power to stop this man treating you like a doormat! It hasn't worked again walk away and close this chapter in your life.

Hopeful1

I agree with Zara, Hippchick. This is a decision that only you can make. You need to put yourself 1st and your children. Think about the future and how that looks. We all deserve to be loved, happy and to be able to trust our partners. Can your OH give you that as well as stability for the family as a whole?

I'm really sorry that you have put so much effort in only to be hurt again.

londoner1998

hippychick1 wrote: »

Thank you for this post. I don't see him as an alcoholic. Is he? He only drinks in the evening, and doesn't always get really drunk. It is not every night, usually 5 out of 7 though. My children have never really seen him drunk, as they are all in bed by half 7, it does worry me how they will view him as they get older. If we go out with friends though, he is always the one to be drunk within an hour, it has become a bit of a joke really. I used to laugh about it, now I just get embarrassed.
I think my perception of what is 'normal' drinking behaviour has been changed over the years. I have no idea whether his behaviour is over the top or not. He says he hasn't got a problem as he doesn't drink through the day. I'm so confused!!!

Yes, he is. If he can't stop drinking, he has a dependency and he is an alcoholic. My mum was an alcoholic and died of it. It was in the home and went on for years, and I can't even describe to you the horrors I had to witness. She died when I was 13 years old and 20 years later, I still have flahsbacks. It becasme unbearable towards the end, the last 3-4 years, but before that, I still remember the mood swings and the hevay atmosphere in the house. Like Quietheart said, children absorb this energy. As an adult woman I am having a lot of difficulties in trusting people and building a normal family life, but with a lot of counselling, I am getting there. My mother didn't drink in the day either (to start with) but the lines became more and more blurred, and then the arguments, the fights, the beatings came. Please, please, please, you need to think of your children. If you think he is driking too much, he probably is. He needs to admit he has a problem, and get treatment for it. Drink is the most insidious of drugs, it corrodes the moral fabric of people and destroys everything around it. I know, I was there.
Please, think of your children. If he wants you to be there with him, he needs to accepts he needs to change, and if that involves getting treatment for his drink use, so be it. Without him wanting to do it, nothing will happen. I agree with the idea of a letter. I find many men communicate much better in writing.May be seeing it in black and white might make him realise this is serious. If he wants ot be with you, he will take the steps to do it.
If you are not happy, think about how you can provide your children with a happy environment. They only have this chance to have a proper childhood.
Please, take care of yourself and come back here if you need support...

londoner1998

Oh, my God, I have just read the update about the other woman....!!!! This is not working for you, is it??? You and your children deserve a man who appreacites what he has, and it seems your husband is still in cuckooland with way too many issues torsolve. I would say, a separation is in place now, to get your thoughts together and think about how to move firward...your children don't deserve this kind of thing...I send you good energy ,if it helps...)

hippychick1

Keep reading, it justs gets better and better

hippychick1

I feel so lost, I just need some help. How do I even go about starting divorce proceedings? I just want this over and done with. How do I know what solicitors to use? How much is this going to cost.

I'm so so scared and alone