Should I Give my Daughter the Money?

yoni_one

tesuhoha wrote: »

To be perfectly honest, she hasnt actually asked me to give it to her. She has just been upset and agonising over how she could get the money and its difficult to listen to.

I know you have already made your decision now but I just thought it worth flagging up something else. The above quote indicates your concern about the possible adverse consequences if you feed your need to stop the difficulty you have in seeing her get upset etc.

We can spoil our kids without realising that when we are doing things to help them, we might be doing it primarily because it is the less painful option for us. Some kids suss this out and manipulate their parents terribly, and I hold my hand up as having been guilty of this myself (as a kid and a parent).

The balance between teaching our children valuable life lessons, or enabling them to remain dependent on us is a fine one so, when you are making a decision that impacts your daughter try and leave your own needs out of the picture and focus purely on what is in her best interest and you might find sometimes it makes it a heck of a lot easier.

Lottebear

No, otherwise when will it stop it sounds like you have done more than enough as a parent, she needs to make her own choices now, if she wanted to go that much she would have got a job, even paper round!

popsy20

I'm from a working class family and knew from a very early age not to expect handouts from my parents. I left college at 18 and got a job - I always paid my way - that was how I was brought up.

I can understand people wanting to do their best for their children but there comes a point when they have to learn to stand on their own 2 feet.

Your daughter is bound to be depressed if she has wasted 3 years of her life doing something she hated and having failed probably feels like she has let you down. Sounds to me like she is lacking in confidence too.

She needs support but emotional more than financial - she needs to forget the holiday and, with your help, sort her life out.

Hoping you call all work through this together

Popsy x

geekgirl

If she is suffering with depression that badly she needs lots of help and support that doesn't have to include money.
Some find it difficult to even get out of bed in the morning let alone anything else. Perhaps she could start of slowly by spending a set amount of time on applying for jobs and cv updating. Then at the same time a set amount of time on jobs around the house to 'pay' for her keep. Even if she could get a part time job for even a few hours a week it may give her a bit of a boost to get something else. She may find it useful to go and get some voluntary work to boost her cv and job prospects. It may give her something else to think about as well.
Good luck, it isn't easy living with someone with depression.

Spendless

Surely she wouldn't be offered a credit card anyway if she doesn't work or would she???? So her only answer is to find a job to pay the flights.

devils_advocate

I feel really sorry for your daughter - she's spent 3 years, and probably feels taht she's gone backwards in her life.

Forget the NHS, but she should try to see the student counselling service at her university.

If you would forgive me for suggesting something radical and possibly less than palatable, your daughter sounds that she needs to stand up to you. Did she want to drop out, but felt that you would want her to finish the course?

Quote:
Originally Posted by tesuhoha
She went to the doctor a while back and came out with a prescription for anti-depressants. She only went because I made the appointment and she was not willing to talk about it further. Since the antidepressants ran out I have not bothered and nor has she to make another appointment. I was not happy she was on them and she is better than she was when she was at uni.


So she went to the doctor because you made the appointment. She's being pressurised into doing something because you want. You should encourage her to do what she wants - come up with the ideas, and then carry out the plan herself. Don't let her be influenced by your suggestions.

On a personal note, I want to help and guide my own kids to suceed in life. However if one of them rebelled against my guidance, could come up with strong and coherent arguments as to why it wan't suitable for him, I'd probably be outwardly annoyed but secretly pleased that he'd told me to !!!! off. That way I'd have brought up my kid to think for himself, and to commit himself to something he believed in.

Notsosharp

Hi,

I am a second year law student and whilst I don't exactly have depression I do still have mental health issues. I have to say that it is really quite hard to fail a degree, certainly at my college you are given a lot of chances before they finally boot you off. And because I'm a single parent I need extra money and I do this by cleaning, it is fairly easy to pick up work cleaning just by advertising locally etc or word of mouth, the pay is good too £7.50 an hour. Maybe your daughter could try something like that just for now til she has the money to pay for the holiday? Its not the best job in the world but it has its advantages, mainly the fact you can work hours to suit your schedule.

And sorry I'm another one who thinks you should not give her the money. I know its really, really hard to get out there and get your life back on track when you have depression and she has my sympathy but in the long run sitting around moping and feeling trapped is just going to make her feel worse. Depression is a trap but sometimes its a trap of your own making. But I do sympathise with her, but if she is really feeling that bad then she should go back to her doctor and ask for therapy of some sort, I have heard good things about CBT and certainly my therapist has helped me a lot. Sometimes its better to talk to a third party about the things that are bothering you because then they can try and help you from an impartial perspective.

floyd

Has she tried looking at lab technician jobs? With A levels like that your daughter will easily find a position available at a hospital, university, pharma company or even at a college or school. Although she didn't find that Chemistry was really her thing, a more practical environment might be more to her taste.
Entry levels vary but you can definately get a pretty decent starting wage with grades such as those.

benood

I think that Chemistry is one of the few hard degrees left - so your daughter doesn't really need to feel a failure - but she does need to get sorted asap - with good A level grades she could probably find a firm of accountants to take her on training to be a Chartered Accountant - would probably be in a bit of a backwater place which no one would have as a first choice - but might give her the opportunity to turn things around - and keep on the professional path - she's not a dosser with an A and 3Bs.

If she got some decent applications posted beforehand I might be inclined to cut her yet more slack and part with the £130!

SuziQ

Perhap she could consider taking a Legal exec course on OU whilst working to fund herelf through it? Or training to be a legal secretary,a she i interested in Law? She may even bounce back in a few years and take a Law degree although I appreciate the debt left from the first degree will make that very hard. She needs to know it's not the end of the world and that she has options,as her good A'levels show. It's such a pity she didn't get the oppurtunity to change course but who knows whether she would have been more successful if he had? I think you have made the right decision,and she knows it too. She doesn't need a holiday-she needs to get out there,starting the next chapter of her life.
Tell her,reaching one finishing line (whether succesful or not)means the start of the next race!