Should I Give my Daughter the Money?

moggylover

Wanted to read the whole thread before posting.

Firstly, I think you need to look at how badly depressed she is. And I would disagree with the previous poster about pushing her to go to the doctors as people with depression basically will not usually do anything about it unless pushed - that is a part of depression. A holiday might just help her to snap out of it - but with a lot of drinking and so forth - it might just push her over the edge - if she were my daughter I would want to know who she is going with well, and whether they could cope if her depression became sharply worse whilst she was away, and for instance, drunk.

Secondly, I agree that she needs to be showing some more effort to get a job before you lend her the money.

Thirdly, I think she really needs to talk to a counsellor asap - she is obviously very dissapointed in herself, and that may be what is causing her depression.
If she can still talk to a uni counsellor, then maybe they can advise her about how to move on from this point, and perhaps how to get into the sort of course that she would enjoy.

I have a friend whose son became seriously depressed in his last year of a uni course, and actually dropped out. He was very ill, and not at all interested in his future for about 3 years, but then returned to uni to do a different course altogether. I don't know if this is possible for your daughter - but she should really talk to a counsellor about this and see what all her options are.

Good luck to you all - hard decisions, but please take the depression seriously: it is a crippling illness and like living in a black hole with the emotions and frustrations of a child for the sufferer. You become terrified of every simple decision - even what to wear or whether to clean your teeth or not because you do not trust your own ability to make decisions. Your daughter may just be taking the fact that she chose the wrong uni course too hard - but it will feel very real and frightening for her. My mum had such a child back on her hands when I was 40:eek: due to depression: but she helped me through (although not financially) and I am getting there.

bestpud

That's a good point about her tipping over the edge if she goes out and gets drunk ML and one definitely worth pondering if she is that low.

I would say the student counselling service is worth a try too. They may be more likely to see her now as it is obviously quieter during the summer.

Plus she can definitely make use of the careers service and perhaps that will help her see options rather than closed doors?

I guess the above depend on how far from the uni you are, although the careers service can be emailed I'd have thought.

Lastly, you said she took out a student loan but was this just the maintenance loan, if you paid her fees?

I'm wondering if she may get more help from student finance in the future (not sure it is the right thing now) because she only had this loan? Because people can apply for the maintenance loan anyway? Not sure really so I'm just throwing it into the hat in case someone else does!

Good luck with it; I hope she works something out.

ailuro2

I wanted to let you know that taking anti-depressants for a month then stopping is the wrong thing to do, they need to be stopped with doctor's consent if they are a higher dose they need to be lowered etc. rather than stopping abruptly.

Also just one month is not enough for them to have kicked in and helped. You may not be keen on anti depressants for your DD, but you wouldn't deny her a plaster cast for a brokenleg, would you?

Someone who is depressed, not just feeling down / like they failed etc. can be helped a great deal with the right medical treatment, I'd encourage her to go back to Drs and go through the six month course if that's what she needs to feel better. Being depressed and unable to pick herself up at this time might have long reaching affects on her life choices.

Have a read up on depression and talk to her about the stuff she can fix that's not caused by the chemical imbalances, and the other stuff that is caused by being tired etc.

Hope she gets well soon.

lynzpower

Hugs to you tes, I know just how much you all struggled to be able to afford ( or not afford) supporting her through Uni.

I too believe that you should not pay for her, after all you yourself know you SIMPLY CANT AFFORD IT. It will put you in some level of hardship.

I know you are so caring about your kids but you simply have to say no. I know your OH will want to spoil her

I would then suggest she must have textbooks/ laptop/ uni peripherals *kitchen gear/ furniture etc* that cold be sold on a car boot sale? Could you support her by helping her sell some of her stuff. Uni textbooks sell well on ebay, she might well be able to get good money for hers I did and that was a few years after my course had finished, so more recnt ones would be quite saleable I think.

If her freinds parents own this villa in mty experience thats an offer that will be extended from here on in, ie this wont be the last time they go.

Dont give her the money sweerts, but certainly, support her in looking for some therapy of some sort, to help her take control of her life. xxx

funky-footprints

tesuhoha wrote: »

It was Chemistry and she found it too difficult and absolutely loathed the course so that she could not face the work but she stuck at it. She has been suffering from depression since she started at uni but even so we were devastated when we found out she had failed completely. She had a job in a shop for a short time at uni but hated that too and gave it up because it was getting her down.

how can a job in a shop get you down ? ? ? she should try looking after my kids for 6 weeks this summer !! i'll pay her !

if she is this unstable, then is it honestly wise to let her go on holiday on her own for 2 weeks ? ?

Carmina_Piranha_3

She has worked in the past and has even flipped burgers, so she's not just a lazy selfish child - I think some of you are being quite hard on her.

I assume that the shop work 'got her down' because she was at uni too, and had lots of coursework to complete. I had to give up my job once the second year of uni got underway because I just couldn't manage to put enough hours into my studying - some people might find uni easy but if it's a subject that doesn't come naturally to you then you have to do a lot of background reading too.

Carmina_Piranha_3

LandyAndy wrote: »

It's almost impossible to fail without trying to.

Many of you have said this, but it wasn't the case at my university. Of course lots of people fail before they actually get to the final year, but the final year itself can be pretty difficult - it all depends on how it is structured and what makes a fail.

My degree took some of the second year results into account, which generally meant that those who took resits weren't going to get top honours. I'm not sure if tes's daughter has actually FAILED - or just not got honours, or got a third. Some would refer to that as failing.

One of my friends failed her degree and we were all really surprised. She was clever and worked hard, she handed everything in and always on time. It was because of the way things were marked - the dissertation was worth a third of the final year, and if you failed any part of it you couldn't get your degree, even if you got A grades for everything else. Okay, to actually fail a module you had to get an E which is a 5th of the available marks or less. Surprising, but this is what happened to her - one of the parts of her dissertation was marked at grade E.

She was allowed to resit it, but I think she could only get a pass without honours.

Tes could your daughter resit what she failed on?

jillie1974

having been to uni and did a course i absolutely hated. i used to get the train into dublin and not go to the course at all!! i think this will be more of a problem in the future with so many students getting all these 'A' s in a levels, it doesnt really prepare you for uni. it can be quite differnet to school life and some do struggle. its a pity her uni didnt do more to prevent her failing. i dont blame her for feeling down at all. luckily i was able to do a course at a later date i really enjoyed. maybe maybe a holiday may just give her the urge to do something when she comes back, the break away to chill out with her friend maybe good for her. maybe pay the flights with the agreement that she gets a job on her return. send her for 1 week rather than 2 if thats what they are going for.....

tesuhoha

jillie1974 wrote: »

having been to uni and did a course i absolutely hated. i used to get the train into dublin and not go to the course at all!! i think this will be more of a problem in the future with so many students getting all these 'A' s in a levels, it doesnt really prepare you for uni. it can be quite differnet to school life and some do struggle. its a pity her uni didnt do more to prevent her failing. i dont blame her for feeling down at all. luckily i was able to do a course at a later date i really enjoyed. maybe maybe a holiday may just give her the urge to do something when she comes back, the break away to chill out with her friend maybe good for her. maybe pay the flights with the agreement that she gets a job on her return. send her for 1 week rather than 2 if thats what they are going for.....

I think my daughter used to do this kind of avoidance thing. I think she should have done something more creative. She excelled at languages and English but thought chemistry would give her more opportunities in life. She has the chance to do retakes in September but there are 7 exams and it will just lead to an ordinary degree. She says its not just a matter of cramming but of relearning the whole course in three weeks (less now) and she cant face that. She just cannot do it and I think that if she could then she would have got a degree in the first place.

Its nothing to do with laziness. Laziness has never been a problem. She was such a hard worker at school always. She is looking for a job very pro-actively and TBH I think that it would improve matters for her immensely. The depression seemed to go hand in hand with the course and she seems better now although occasionally tearful with feelings of worthlessness but that is because of the last few years at uni and she feels she has failed us. She seems daily to be getting more cheerful thank goodness. I feel going to the doctor is her decision. If she seemed severely depressed it would be another matter. Have we put pressure on her? Well yes. Both of us had nothing as kids and wanted ours to have better than us.

We have looked at the idea of her going to the local uni to do law but she would need a loan for the fees as we cannot do it again and we dont think she will get it. She also says she does not think she can go another three years being seriously hard up! Its a job that she needs.

Thanks for all your kind replies I have read and considered each one. You have given me food for thought and ideas. Nice to hear from you Lynz. Tried to sell her chemistry book on ebay but it failed to go. Wrong time of year probably. Will try again in September. Have to go to work now.

newcook

tesuhoha wrote: »

I just did a jobcentre search for waitresses and not one job came up for our town. There were two for a town quite a long bus ride away.

How long a bus ride away? I get 2 (sometimes 3 or 4!) buses to my work everyday and then the same back home.
Before I moved to where I am living now I used to leave my house at 7am to get to work for 8:30 (though depending on traffic I used to arrive about 8:10).

Is there a local pub she could get some bar work at? Or a caf! she could waitress in? do any neighbours need a cleaner?
She has missed a perfect opportunity these last few weeks to act as a mothers helper (she wouldn't be able to class herself as a childminder as she would need to be registered) but there are still a few weeks left of the holidays so she could earn some cash that way.

With regards to the depression, is she actually depressed or is she just feeling sorry for herself?

Sorry to sound a bit harsh but it does seem as if she is waiting for something to fall into her lap rather than being out there everyday looking for something.