Should I Give my Daughter the Money?

elona

Try Amazon for selling textbooks.

I was shocked at the prices for science textbooks when I looked last year for DD and those were "used!"

Some of them were about £70! Each!:eek:

bestpud

tesuhoha wrote: »

I think my daughter used to do this kind of avoidance thing. I think she should have done something more creative. She excelled at languages and English but thought chemistry would give her more opportunities in life. She has the chance to do retakes in September but there are 7 exams and it will just lead to an ordinary degree. She says its not just a matter of cramming but of relearning the whole course in three weeks (less now) and she cant face that. She just cannot do it and I think that if she could then she would have got a degree in the first place.

Its nothing to do with laziness. Laziness has never been a problem. She was such a hard worker at school always. She is looking for a job very pro-actively and TBH I think that it would improve matters for her immensely. The depression seemed to go hand in hand with the course and she seems better now although occasionally tearful with feelings of worthlessness but that is because of the last few years at uni and she feels she has failed us. She seems daily to be getting more cheerful thank goodness. I feel going to the doctor is her decision. If she seemed severely depressed it would be another matter. Have we put pressure on her? Well yes. Both of us had nothing as kids and wanted ours to have better than us.

We have looked at the idea of her going to the local uni to do law but she would need a loan for the fees as we cannot do it again and we dont think she will get it. She also says she does not think she can go another three years being seriously hard up! Its a job that she needs.

Thanks for all your kind replies I have read and considered each one. You have given me food for thought and ideas. Nice to hear from you Lynz. Tried to sell her chemistry book on ebay but it failed to go. Wrong time of year probably. Will try again in September. Have to go to work now.

I am glad she is getting more cheerful.

Uni will always be an option in the future as well - I'm 37 and doing my first degree! I've had problems myself (although not with the work per se) and I can understand why she is reluctant to go back next year and also why she just wants to leave it all behind tbh. Like I said, she can always change her mind later on.

It's very hard not to put pressure in them sometimes (I stop myself quite often from doing this with my very laid back 16 year old!) It's because we know how life really is and desperately want them to avoid the pitfalls we encoutered. There's truth in the saying 'youth is wasted on the young'!!

But you love and support her, and she knows that, so take a deep breath and step back, knowing you have done, and still are doing, the best you can for her.

bestpud

elona wrote: »

Try Amazon for selling textbooks.

I was shocked at the prices for science textbooks when I looked last year for DD and those were "used!"

Some of them were about £70! Each!:eek:

Yes, and the good thing about Amazon is you don't pay unless you sell and they can sit there for three months as opposed to the ten days max on ebay.

It's actually quite a nice surprise when you get an email about a book you have forgotten putting on there (or perhaps it's only me who forgets things like that :rolleyes: )!

Carmina_Piranha_3

Just a thought - has this friend who is going on holiday passed her degree? Hanging around with people who are thinking positively about what they're going to do next with their life might give your daughter more of a boost.

I am going to swim against the tide here and say that I probably would let her go - but repay the money later. I would want her to come back to a fresh start, looking for jobs but also applying for benefits straight away so that even if she is only on them for a couple of weeks she will at least have her own spending money with which to repay you some of the flights money.

bestpud

Carmina_Piranha wrote: »

Just a thought - has this friend who is going on holiday passed her degree? Hanging around with people who are thinking positively about what they're going to do next with their life might give your daughter more of a boost.

Or fuel her regrets and make her feel even worse!

I deferred last semester and so will be finishing behind my friends and can tell you, it is causing me very mixed emotions! As happy as I am for them, I am getting quite low thinking I should be joining them for the graduation ceremony!

Carmina_Piranha_3

My friend was pretty miffed that she had failed and I passed, and everyone else we knew was graduating, because everyone who fails usually fails early on so they aren't actually around for the final year.

I was wondering - if you fail your degree isn't there something else you can graduate with? I remember somebody getting something when he left during the course because he needed a job. it was a certificate for one year, and a diploma for 2 years, but it wasn't subject specific, just a general 'you have been at uni for a bit'.

bestpud

Carmina_Piranha wrote: »

My friend was pretty miffed that she had failed and I passed, and everyone else we knew was graduating, because everyone who fails usually fails early on so they aren't actually around for the final year.

I was wondering - if you fail your degree isn't there something else you can graduate with? I remember somebody getting something when he left during the course because he needed a job. it was a certificate for one year, and a diploma for 2 years, but it wasn't subject specific, just a general 'you have been at uni for a bit'.

I haven't failed - I will just finish later (going back this semester without all my friends ) but I am really feeling the 'loss' right now, I have to admit. It's hard because I am over the moon for them at the same time, iyswim, and I fear the OP's dd may feel the same about her friends.

Yes, there is stages at my uni too - didn't think of that!

It's a HE cert for completing year one, a diploma for completing year two, the degree for passing without a dissertation and an honours degree if includiung the diss., I think. That's a modular programme though so may not be the same for all degrees, or all institutions?

Has you dd passed the first or second, or both, years, OP?

lostinrates

Holiday? I wouldn't, but you could consider saying, if she is on track next year you will make a gift of a holiday somewhere.

re law. I think going back to university feeling a failiure could be an issue. If she passes her retakes she can do the law conversion course instead of a degree....much quicker though pricey. Therefore rather than holiday she should really be putting 100% into the revision if you are prepared to fund her over summer....but I'd personally make it a condition of revision and proof of work --revision notes, complted practise papers etc etc.

If she fails the retakes how about considering the ILEX route to law? Starting in work, getting paid as a paralegal/legal secretary, maybe getting some clerking too? Its also worth pointing out that law poses other problems that might challenge your daughter's depression. As well as having to secure a place and do exams she will be needing IMMEADIATELY to start interviews (or in a year if she does opt for a whole new degree). There are far more law grads/law conversion grads looking for training contracts than there are contracts and that is high stress and very demoralising. Its worth considering that the huge number of knock backs during ths process can be very demoralising. Then, after her contract is work she may or maynot be offered a job on qualification as many firms employ trainees as cheaper labour and then only offer a small percentage of them a job. Furthermore many law firms are making redunancies at the moment.

Law is a great career, but getting into it the traditional route can be very stressful and it sounds as if your daughter is not handling those types of stresses well.

churchrat

hi
havn't read all of this but can understand the op wanting to help her dd, but not really knowing how to do it.

Our ds1 went to uni and failed miserably when he got there. looking back he was not ready to go, knew nobody there, hated the course and had to live miles away from the campus because the hall he was supposed to be had a rat problem. anyway, he came home, got a job, cjanged his mind about the course he was planning to do and went to our local college part time to do law. he really worked hard and stuck at it and we supported him to go full time in his last yr because he had worked so hard.

tell your dd that there is light at the end of this particular tunnel--not everybody has to do the same thing in the same way at the same time as everybody else!!

goodluck to you all

Dinah93

My gut instinct is to say no don't loan or give her the money too, however she has plenty of time on her hands, I would suggest she sells her old dvds/books/cds/clothes etc on ebay. If she is really wanting to go as opposed to drifting along and thinking it might be nice, she will make the effort. I recently made £106 selling a box of 15 items I found under my bed when moving, just photo frames, an old walkman, cd player, wooden painters manequin etc. Nothing you would think would be worth much but it all adds up!

If she has the enthusiasm to do this, then she can apply the same energy to getting a job. I graduated from my MSc last year, in a field where there are now about 3 starting professionals to every 1 job, and I got the job by sending out a CV and covering letter to every company in the right field within a 50 mile radius. And then a second letter a fortnight later hoping they received the first and reminding them I was there. I got 5 interviews, all for non advertised jobs, and 2 offers. I have not once gotten a job that was advertised, I have always done cold calling with a CV in tow, especially when I did waitressing and a brief stint at shop work.

When I was in my first year of uni I was suffering from depression due to a medical condition that I wasn't expecting and I wasn't able to handle very well. I was on the pills, they did so little for me it was untrue. What did pull me round was getting a job in my local gastro-pub place, where I got to know the clients, and gained a lot of confidence, which has stayed with me. I have to say putting myself out there when I felt like just curling up under my duvet and never coming out was the best cure imaginable.

Best wishes to you, Dinah x