Should I Give my Daughter the Money?

Lunar_Eclipse

I think it depends on many factors and ultimately only you can judge what you should do.

Firstly, it is incredibly difficult and rare to fail a degree. It signals major absence from 'classes' and no exam revision whatsoever IMO; unless she was really unsuited to the course. But most importantly, it doesn't happen overnight, so (hopefully) your daughter is not shocked by this sad outcome. Either way, she is probably feeling incredibly low at the moment since she will realise what some of the consequences of this will be, in terms of opportunities. But having funded this, I would be angry as the parent, not just 'disappointed' with her.

Having said all of that, I'm not sure it is entirely related to the holiday opportunity/need for money. On the one hand you have paid out enough for her financially recently. But on the other hand, she may be feeling like a complete 'failure', so a loan may well show her your support and give her the break she needs to get over this huge mistake (if she realises it) and move forward being refreshed from the holiday. But to be honest if it would be difficult for you financially, I wouldn't even consider it. And I'd want reassurance from her re: her 'plan' going forward. Is she sorry? (for 'wasting' your money.)

Paparika

Sorry didn't read all post but ...

OP don't be soft and pay for her flights, next it will spending money and outfits for the holiday.

She can't find a job, perhaps she should lower her standards if she has debts to pay.

Mcdonalds is always looking for staff, she may stick her nose up at this, but tbh, it's a job and it gets you money, ESPECIALLY when she is in debt and when your in debt with no job, but capable of working the best thing you should do is lower your standards.

My god I've had some carp jobs in the past and i mean really carp, but i did it to put food in my child's mouth and pay my debts, hated them but i was better off working than claiming benefits (even if benefits agency told me at the time i didn't need to worry about work until my DS was 16, i was told this in early 2000 before the rules changed)

Now this may sound brutal but how long do you think you can afford to 'keep' your DD, she has to face the real world some time and if she can't pay her debts let her deal with the bailiffs.

Tough love but she needs to learn the value of money.

And you and your DH need to have your own life back doing your home up, you've done your bit

Strapped

Does her uni have a second-hand bookshop to sell her old text books through?

Doom_and_Gloom

It is not rare at all to fail a degree at any point of the course. It is more likely that you will fail it in the years before graduation to be honest but certainly not rare to fail in the last due to the work load.

My fiancé was on a goldsmith, silversmith and jewellery degree. He was fine with the practical work but could not for the life of him do the essays as he is severely dyslexic and has a mild form of autism so it is really not easy for him to do essays. He didn’t get enough support and if he had not left the university with his certificate for the 2 years (with credits) he would have failed and been chucked out. He is not happy as he feels as if he wasted the 2 years at uni as well as the 2 years before hand doing a BTEC to do the degree. He should have become an apprentice but now at 22 it is VERY difficult for him. He has been trying to do just that since he left the uni over a year ago now.

One of my friends has just completed her degree with a 2nd. She was rather annoyed as it was only 19 points off of a 1st.

I will be very disappointed when I do to go through uni, for the 4 years or more I have to do for what I want to, if I did it all to fail. I won’t be going for a while (need an A-Level that I did not do at college of all things :rolleyes: ) but I am determined to pass preferably with a 1st or 2nd when I do the degree. If I do not I will probably become a bit like the OP’s daughter for a while but will have to remind myself that it was obviously not the right thing to do and to try and get on with my life. It will be hard as it is for the OP's daughter. Life throws curve balls such as this to challange us to grow as people after all.

I still believe though that the OP’s daughter should NOT be allowed to go on this holiday. It does sound more dangerous since the OP says her daughter has depression. Alcohol is a depressant as I‘m sure you all know. Something that on holiday you will drink. In her state that is not what she needs. That alone would convince me it’s the wrong thing for her.

glossgal

I don't think it's that unusual for students to fail/realise they've taken a wrong turn and go into freefall and I think there's been too much mention of depression in these posts-as ever a massively over-used term to sum up a host of problems/scenarios that fall under 'sometimes life's hard'. I don't say that to belittle the condition at all but unless OP has serious concerns about her daughter I wouldn't be focusing on this as it could enduce further negativity.

Your daughter is young and after she's licked her wounds she will have endless alternatives to explore with your help (and ideally the help of a careers counsellor). I agree with everyone else though that there has to be a cut off point -if she's been spoiled or mollycoddled since childhood this won't be easy and she may try every trick in the book to resist it. No offence OP but I think your approach so far has probably stifled her development to some extent so she has a poor concept of responsibility. Maybe you could borrow her the money for the holiday BUT make it clear that she will be returning as an adult and not a child.

Hardup_Hester

A brief salutary tale from me.
I have a friend who is 10 years older than me, she is 67, her husband died last year of a heart attack. He was still working fulltime as is my friend, they have a 38 year old son who has never managed to hold down a job or a relationship for long, he lurches fron crisis to crisis, walking out of jobs if something doesn't go his way. He has 2 children, by 2 different partners, he has abandoned both families. The stress of dealing with their son played a big part in the death of the husband. My friend now says she wishes she'd been firmer with him & stopped bailing him out at 18. I think there is a lesson here.

Pssst

I read the initial enquiry but not all of the followups. there are too many of them which is strange since the simple answer is no !

Having said that,you did say she didnt actually ask you for the money but then she did make sure you were their to witness her hand wringing and woe is me attitude as to where the money might come from. Obviously a hint. Shes used to you giving her succour you see,it comes automatically but you must resist. Just get on with your own lives. It seems to me that she is a potential lost sheep,blunering from one crisis to another. No doubt she will be planning her next degree and new potential career only this time it will all work out!

Dont fall for it-time for tough love. Get on with your own lives and let her get on with hers. Life IS tough and it gets harder !

rose28454

I have just come across this thread and thought I would offer some advice. I have a 22 year old daughter who lives with me ( my OH of 26 years left 6 months ago) and is studying for an online degree and does not get proper funding as the LEA sees her course as part time ( and only gives part time funding) but she has to pay full time fees. She works part time but never has enough money as she loves to spend it. I am afraid I always indulged my kids as I was compensating for their alcoholic father and the horrible lives we had. However I am hard up and my daughter has to learn that she has to stand on her own feet. Last week her mobile phone was restricted due to non payment of the bill and normally I would have just paid it I refused to help. I thought that she would get in a strop but she just went out and got a £5.00 top up for a spare pay as you go we have so that at least she has a phone for emergencies. She will then pay the bill when she gets paid at the end of the month. Then this morning she called me on the way to work to say she had won 2 tickets for a film premiere in London and would I look for train tickets and go with her. I looked and it would have cost £94.00 for the 2 of us. I called her and told her the price and she was disappointed but said that she realised she could not go.
The truth is that the world did not fall in because she could not go or not pay her phone bill and the same applies to the OP's daughter. Then this evening my sis rang and said she has just got a catering job in September and would my daughter work for 3 days ( for £300.00) so there is always hope!!!

rose28454

faded_flowers wrote: »

Sorry to go OT, but can't you go via megabus or nationalexpress? Much cheaper!

The tickets were for tonight and she finished work at 4.00p.m. in Bath and the premiere was in London at 6.30p.m. My 2 sisters and I went up on Friday and got £1.00 National Express tickets and a £1.00 Hoxton room. Shame really as my son lives in London so we had somewhere to stay. She also suffers from black moods( she is on antidepressants which do help) but I have realised that always giving in to her does not help her!! Thanks for your kind thought anyway

ALIBOBSY

tesuhoha wrote: »

Also shes not getting any JSA because she went and signed on about 5 weeks ago and they said they would send her a letter telling her when to sign on and they didnt and she only just phoned them today and they said her claim has been cancelled so she's got to start signing on all over again.

Hmm is this what she told you? The current system is you make a phone call to lodge your claim, they call you back at a prearranged time within 3 days and complete the claim. You get a date and time for your initial interview there and then. You should get a copy of everything said over the phone, but even if it doesn't turn up they can print a fresh copy at the job centre.

At your first interview you are assigned a signing time and day sometime within the next 2 wks and you sign on every 2 wks after that. In the meanwhile the claim goes off to a processing centre to calculate the benefit and put the award onto the computer system. This is supposed to be within 12 working days of your original claim date.

No way she should have waited 5 wks, surely she knew you sign on fortnightly?
Sounds like she either didn't turn up for the first interview.

Mind you I am assuming your local JC works like the local ones in this area, and all the computer systems were up and live when she made her initial claim lol.

She needs to claim asap. I would lend her the money because she is your child and a holiday away might give her some perspective on her future. I would get her to claim JSA and give me the money tho, every week till she goes. I would expect her to be doing alot around the house as well. Then straight into work on her return.

But at the end of the day only you know how hard (or not) she worked so its up to you. I would say she would need a loan of around £300 tho to cover expenses.

Good luck
ali x