Should I Give my Daughter the Money?

feelinggood_2

tesuhoha wrote: »

She went to the doctor a while back and came out with a prescription for anti-depressants. She only went because I made the appointment and she was not willing to talk about it further. Since the antidepressants ran out I have not bothered and nor has she to make another appointment. I was not happy she was on them and she is better than she was when she was at uni.

As she isn't really taking her depression seriously, I wouldn't allow that to affect your descison on bailing her out.

Perhaps you should ask yourself how far your generousity has got her so far? A change of tactic might be the best thing.

got-it-spend-it

tesuhoha wrote: »

There is not much work round here but she has been applying for admin work. She has not been successful possibly because of her uni experience. Lately she has been looking for waitress work, as she once worked in McDonalds cooking burgers all summer and she also worked as a waitress in a restaurant but so far there is not much advertised. We have been looking on the Jobcentre site and looking at the local paper and she has been to various agencies and is now emailing her cv to agencies. She has 4 A Levels, Maths, English, Physics and Chemistry. 1 A and three Bs.

Just to say I'm a manager at a well known coffee shop chain and we rarely advertise our positions as we just get so many CVs handed in everyday. We certainly never advertise online. I would say print get her to print out her CV- make loads of her experience at McDonalds and waitressing- big up the customer service side of things and any cash handling responsibility and take it in to local places. Make sure she is prepared to chat and be enthusiastic there and then. You would be amazed the number of applications that get handed in by miserable looking candidates and they go straight in the bin. If I like someone's approach I will often interview them there and then (obviously as long as I'm not rushed off my feet).

Sorry if all of that is obvious but I'm sure it will be much more effective than emailing CVs for that kind of job. At least once she's earning something she can take stock and think about her longer term plans.

As for the money- I wouldn't give it but maybe be really positive in giving ideas on how she can earn it.

tinkerbel

I'm at uni and I am currently trying to save up a little bit of money so that at the end, I can go on holidays and take a break or something before going straight into work, or to cushion and support me for the time while I am looking for a job!
If she hasn't managed or thought to save while she was at uni or working then she doesnt deserve to go really.

tesuhoha

thursdaynext wrote: »

How come everyone's being so judgemental over someone failing a degree!?

My brother's just failed. He chose the wrong course, but - rather than admit making a mistake - he tried, he worked, he was expecting a pass. But he didn't get it.

Not one of his tutors suggested to him that he could change his course, until he was in his last year, when it was too late. He probably felt too embarrassed to ask us for help when he started to struggle - by the time he accepted he needed to do something, it was too late.

FWIW I wouldn't pay for him, or the OP's daughter, to go on holiday - but I don't make judgements about him and I certainly don't tell him he should have worked harder. He should have made better decisions, but which of us has never made a wrong decision?

He's working to put it right, looking to find a job, trying to transfer his credits to the Open University so he can study while working to finish his degree. Does that sound like someone who's afraid of hard work?!

OP - not aimed at you, I don't think it sounds like you're saying this at all but everyone seems to be queuing up to tell you she's taking the p1ss. Only you (and she) know why she failed, so don't let other people turn you against her!

My daughter tried to change her course. I think it was after the second year she tried to change to law but it was dependant on her passing her chemistry that year. She failed and had to do re-takes so they would not allow her to do the law course. She was very excited and keen to do law so this really brought her down. I think that she felt she couldnt let us down by dropping out, in hindsight. No, we're not giving her the money. She has said to me today she wouldnt ask me for it.

tesuhoha

Also shes not getting any JSA because she went and signed on about 5 weeks ago and they said they would send her a letter telling her when to sign on and they didnt and she only just phoned them today and they said her claim has been cancelled so she's got to start signing on all over again.

Fleago

Hi Tesuhoha,

Sorry if you already know this, but the Jobcentre Plus website can be a bit hit and miss if you try to narrow down the search to particular types of jobs. It can be much better to just check the "all" box, and then on the following pages just give your home town and then say no preference for the hours/days bit. Then ask it to look for vacancies in the last one or two weeks. You can repeat this exercise giving different towns if there are some nearby that wold be within travelling distance.

You will, of course, get all sorts of jobs coming up, but that might be no bad thing for your daughter as she could look at them all and might see something she wouldn't have thought of but that she could do.

Hope this helps.

bestpud

Your dd needs to start taking responsibility for herself and going away on holiday is unlikely to help her right now.

If she can talk of applying for credit cards and agonise over paying for the holiday, then she can get herself to JCP and chase up her JSA! I suffer from depression myself and tbh, working will help her.

She has spent too long with her head in the sand and now needs to move on asap. Don't fall into the trap of feeling sorry for her because she is depressed as that will not help her at all.

I agree it is better to approach businesses direct as many jobs do not get as far as the paper or JCP. Go to town with her (or suggest she ask a friend) for moral support, if she needs it, but let her go in and ask. She just needs to apply some of her holiday enthusiasm to job hunting and she will be fine.

Oldernotwiser

tesuhoha wrote: »

Also shes not getting any JSA because she went and signed on about 5 weeks ago and they said they would send her a letter telling her when to sign on and they didnt and she only just phoned them today and they said her claim has been cancelled so she's got to start signing on all over again.

So you're already funding her 100% for doing nothing? No wonder she's not bothering to do anything to help herself!

3plus1

I graduated only last year, so I'm still relatively young and yet I'm saying no.

She failed her degree. She should be getting a job, any sort of job, while she makes plans as to what she does next. A holiday is a reward - it's something you work hard for and save up for. It's not something you get when you do badly.

Advise her not to take the credit card, but equally, don't lend her the money. The holiday itself might be free, but there will be other costs apart from the flights and it's money she doesn't have.

A lot of students leave uni with a bad attitude to money (I didn't personally, but a lot of close friends did) and they need to learn that loans etc are not free money - you always need to pay for things at some point, even if you defer handing the money over.

I realise it's hard to say no to your children and as someone's daughter, I have played the emotional blackmail card myself before and I know it's a horrible thing to have done to you. Saying no now will be good for your daughter in the long run, even if neither of you believe that now.

Be strong.

bestpud

thursdaynext wrote: »

How come everyone's being so judgemental over someone failing a degree!?

My brother's just failed. He chose the wrong course, but - rather than admit making a mistake - he tried, he worked, he was expecting a pass. But he didn't get it.

Not one of his tutors suggested to him that he could change his course, until he was in his last year, when it was too late. He probably felt too embarrassed to ask us for help when he started to struggle - by the time he accepted he needed to do something, it was too late.

FWIW I wouldn't pay for him, or the OP's daughter, to go on holiday - but I don't make judgements about him and I certainly don't tell him he should have worked harder. He should have made better decisions, but which of us has never made a wrong decision?

He's working to put it right, looking to find a job, trying to transfer his credits to the Open University so he can study while working to finish his degree. Does that sound like someone who's afraid of hard work?!

OP - not aimed at you, I don't think it sounds like you're saying this at all but everyone seems to be queuing up to tell you she's taking the p1ss. Only you (and she) know why she failed, so don't let other people turn you against her!

Tbh, your brother sounds more pro-active than the OPs daughter!

My other point in response to this is that it is unusual for people not to give any mitigating circumstances in the OP! Although, I don't think her depression was the main issue here.

The fact is though, whether you like it or not, failing a degree is not easy and most people who do so have either been unable to study for whatever reason (not mentioned until half way through the thread in this case), OR they have simply messed about for three years!

FWIW, I do think this adult is unwilling/reluctant to take responsibility for herself and that is a form of taking the p1$$, albeit indirectly and possibly without intent!!!