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Main site > Forums > Household & Travel > Marriage, Relationships & Families > Not sure what to do
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      mummyto_1
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    • By mummyto_1 17th Nov 17, 2:34 PM
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      What's this?

    mummyto_1
    Not sure what to do
    • #1
    • 17th Nov 17, 2:34 PM
    Not sure what to do 17th Nov 17 at 2:34 PM
    Hi,

    I'm not actually a new user I've been a member for 10 years with over 3,000 posts but wanted to post under the radar.

    I've been with my partner 6 years and we have a child who is 3.

    We also own a house together.

    Deep breath and here goes.............about once a week he'll take cocaine.

    I've asked him to stop and he did try once and have a couple of weeks off of it. And it was great, he was a much better person but unfortunately it was short lived.

    I'm sure people will tell me to get rid of him and that's what I'm leaning towards doing I just wanted to get my thoughts out and hear views from outsiders that don't know me personally.

    I know there's some people that do drugs and they spend hundreds of pounds a week on it.
    My partner will spend about £20 or £40 a week
    So not a lot really so I'm wondering if I'm over reacting?

    When he gets paid he transfers the whole lot to me as I'm very good with money, and most months we save £1,000 sometimes a bit more, so I sometimes think why am I moaning about him having £20 - £40 a week.

    But on the other hand I'm anti drugs and have never tried any

    I'm mid 30's now so its getting to the point where do I want to carry on with this

    Thank you for reading

    Sorry!

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Page 6
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      stuartJo1989
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    • By stuartJo1989 20th Nov 17, 10:50 PM
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      What's this?

    stuartJo1989
    “
    Are you actually frightened by a strangers attitude on an online forum? Meh ok then.
    Originally posted by spadoosh ”
    I don't think that user was frightened by a stranger's attitude on an online forum It was a purely honest and frank post!!

    “
    You seem to be using your sons acceptance of being caught speeding as jsutification for your comments. I would argue if you where as good a parent as you suggest we all should be he should never have sped in the first place.
    ”
    Young adults all make mistakes. Some (10% in your previous post) also do cocaine. We all make mistakes, BUT why don't you ask JayJay100 6 months down the line whether their (step) son [you've got a good eye for detail ] has sped again? I know what the answer will be.... It will be a bit fat NO, unlike the answer to the question as to whether OP's partner took cocaine in the past week.


    “
    Im guessing you told him right and wrong. Im guessing you told him people can die and accidents are more likely? But he choose to ignore you completely and did it anyway (something your happy with?).
    ”
    With all due respect, but you've just been sticking up for an ILLEGAL activity (cocaine) and yet you are going a bit anal with regards to another ILLEGAL activity (speeding)?

    I don't get it...

    “
    Personally id be annoyed that my daughter got caught speeding if she had been warned of the rules and dangers. Id suck it up as that her choice (to face the consequences). Unlike you who is proud that their son chose to ignore them?
    ”
    I think the user is more proud that the child chose to acknowledge their error and give credit to an adult where it was due.

    “
    And drugs addle the mind?
    ”
    Yes they do.

    “
    My pursuit of happiness will never be about restricting someone elses.
    ”
    That's actually really insightful!

    And you're not going to like this point, but OP's fella likes doing cocaine on a Friday night. That's their "pursuit of happiness" as you put it! BUT, that pursuit actually appears to be restricting OP's pursuit of happiness... to the extent that OP has made a post on here!!! Irony eh?

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      mummyto_1
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    • By mummyto_1 22nd Nov 17, 3:59 PM
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      What's this?

    mummyto_1
    Hi all, still in a quandary about what to do.


    Why should I live with someone that thinks its fine to do Class A drugs in their home every weekend?


    I'm such a worrier that if I kicked him out he'd probably go off the rails and I'd get a call one day saying he was dead or something (maybe that's a bit over the top!)


    On the other side I think I'm over reacting in the fact that if that's want he wants to do with 40 quid a week than that's his look out (he gives me nearly £1,800 a month and just gets £40 a week spends)

    Sorry!

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      thorsoak
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    • By thorsoak 22nd Nov 17, 5:18 PM
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      What's this?

    thorsoak
    Ask yourself - do you want your child, in 10 years' time,living with parents, one of whom takes Class A drugs on a regular basis and the other parent condoning it? What message does that give to your 10 year old child then?

    Money doesn't come into the equation in my mind.

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      The Ang
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    • By The Ang 29th Nov 17, 1:43 AM
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      What's this?

    The Ang
    Yes, not a matter of money. Health is the main issue. The arts of persuasion will play role in this case, I think.

    Sorry!

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      chesky
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    • By chesky 29th Nov 17, 4:51 PM
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      What's this?

    chesky
    “
    Hi all, still in a quandary about what to do.


    Why should I live with someone that thinks its fine to do Class A drugs in their home every weekend?


    I'm such a worrier that if I kicked him out he'd probably go off the rails and I'd get a call one day saying he was dead or something (maybe that's a bit over the top!)


    On the other side I think I'm over reacting in the fact that if that's want he wants to do with 40 quid a week than that's his look out (he gives me nearly £1,800 a month and just gets £40 a week spends)
    Originally posted by mummyto_1 ”
    Well, I hope you're not relying on the posts here to make your decision. Don't you have any friends you can discuss this with?
    If he's only spending £40 per week on the habit I guess it's not life threatening. And you've known about it for years. And he presumably holds down a job.

    The city is full of bankers who shove large amounts up their noses and blind eyes are turned to it, although it's officially frowned on. Life goes on.

    I haven't read through this thread lately so I can't remember whether you've actually sat down and discussed your long-term future as a partnership, without heat or anger. Might be an idea.

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      BucksLady
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    • By BucksLady 29th Nov 17, 7:27 PM
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      What's this?

    BucksLady
    “

    If he's only spending £40 per week on the habit I guess it's not life threatening.
    .
    Originally posted by chesky ”
    You don't know that. Addiction can become life threatening.

    Sorry!

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      Poor_Single_lady
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    • By Poor_Single_lady 30th Nov 17, 9:11 AM
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      What's this?

    Poor_Single_lady
    Chesky Mummy to 1 probably has loads of friends but from her post you can tell that she doesn't want to discuss this in real life with people.
    Which is kind of understandable.
    2017- 5 credit cards plus loan
    Overdraft And 1 credit card paid off.

    2018 plans - reduce debt

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    • By Poor_Single_lady 30th Nov 17, 9:13 AM
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      What's this?

    Poor_Single_lady
    And I work in the city. If anything being in that environment puts you off Drug taking even more.

    It's not any more OK just because somebody is wearing a suit.
    2017- 5 credit cards plus loan
    Overdraft And 1 credit card paid off.

    2018 plans - reduce debt

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    • By chesky 30th Nov 17, 7:29 PM
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      What's this?

    chesky
    Perhaps the people in the city also don't want to talk about it nowadays in real life.

    Sorry!

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      badmemory
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    • By badmemory 1st Dec 17, 3:22 PM
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      What's this?

    badmemory
    Have you tried looking into the future? Say 10 years from now when the relationship like many others has totally broken down. Shared custody, 2 nights a week with her dad, who is still using. How would you feel about that?

    What we accept as an adult from other adults is never the same as what we would accept from those same adults in front of our children.

    I know this is slightly different but, how many people have you read about who have tolerated abuse from a partner for years only to leave the first time that abuse is directed at their child.

    And finally, do you want a child to grow up believing drug taking is acceptable? This is not to do with if we have ever done it, but whether we want our children to do it.

    Sorry!

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    • By mummyto_1 1st Dec 17, 3:43 PM
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      What's this?

    mummyto_1
    Yes the future is what I'm starting to think about, I've just been glossing over things in the past. Keeping up appearances if you like.


    If he moves out he would want our son every other weekend, so I would worry about that.


    Maybe part of the reason I haven't kicked him out yet is that I'm also always in the house with our son

    Sorry!

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      Scorpio33
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    • By Scorpio33 1st Dec 17, 4:29 PM
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      What's this?

    Scorpio33
    Read my thread about my wife, she only takes Cocaine once a month and to me, that is too often.

    The reasons I have come up with are:

    1 - The cost
    2 - The short term effects the day after (tiredness, depression, angry, feels like I have 3 kids for the weekend)
    3 - The message it sends to our kids
    4 - The long term effects on her (addition, depression, putting a divide between us)
    5 - The reflection of her as a person - The only people I know who take Cocaine are idiots. If you want to take Cocaine, by association you are an idiot.


    Ironically enough for me, it is her that wants us to split up and I fear in time he will think the same.


    If you want action you can either:
    1 - Try and make it work, which will take by in from him or
    2 - Leave.

    Option 1 needs him to see what an effect it has having on you and a willingness on his part to change.

    Sorry!

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    • By Pixie5740 1st Dec 17, 6:17 PM
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      What's this?

    Pixie5740
    “
    I can understand about thin the end of the wedge, and I know it's unlikely that you would be asked, but you could and have done it: not an addiction.

    I can remember years ago, grumbling at the doctors, because he put me on an antibiotic that I couldn't drink with, and I had a party coming up. I rarely drink, and I said that as soon as I knew I couldn't drink, I always wanted one; he told to be careful as that was an alcoholic tendency. I laughed and he didn't; he was being serious. I said that I have a couple vodkas twice a month, hardly an alcoholic's behaviour. He told me that it didn't matter; the fact the urge was there, was an alcoholic tendency, albeit a mild one. I walked out of there feeling really grubby and horrible, but it's always stuck with me.
    Originally posted by JayJay100 ”
    Sorry I've just noticed this. I see what your saying but couldn't that apply to anything? As soon as you're told you can't have something you want it. Could be alcohol, could be brussel sprouts.

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    • By Pixie5740 1st Dec 17, 6:23 PM
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      What's this?

    Pixie5740
    “
    The trust deed we set up says:


    After the mortgage is paid off, The net sale proceeds shall be paid as to:

    1. The fixed sum of £164,000.00 to the First Owner (that's me, £164,000 is what I put in from the sale of my flat)
    2. The fixed sum of £6,000.00 to the Second Owner (him, this is the deposit he put in)
    3. The balance being divided between the Co-Owners by paying the First Owners share to the First Owner and the Second Owners Share to the Second Owner. (I believe this means any remaining equity is 70% to me and 30% to him)
    Originally posted by mummyto_1 ”
    I'm not sure why you believe the declaration of trust means that the balance is divided 70/30. You don't currently own 70% of the equity now because rather than set the d.o.t up with equity shares you used fixed sums, £164k and £6k. I would say that in the even of a split you would get back £164k and him £6k and then whatever was left after repaying the mortgage would be split 50/50.

    Using fixed sums rather than equity shares in your d.o.t. doesn't take into account a scenario where property prices fall. What happens if, once you've repaid the mortgage there isn't enough equity to return £164k to you and £6k to him?

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      ska lover
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    • By ska lover 1st Dec 17, 7:31 PM
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      What's this?

    ska lover
    Not a single mention of the word ''Love'' or emotions - just the financial implications of a split up.

    This makes me wonder, OP do you love him? Or is this one of those relationships that have become a habit (Pardon the pun)

    What are you going to do when your kid does find out eventually and blurts it out at school - and you end up with social services on your doorstep?
    The opposite of what you know...is also true

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    • By warby68 2nd Dec 17, 6:32 AM
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      What's this?

    warby68
    Or when your school age child is a pariah because other parents have 'heard the rumour' ? Daddy does something every Friday night that Mummy doesn't want me to see - simple as that.

    However, YOU have gone along with it for an age. YOU have had a child with this man who uses. So, to some extent, you have been complicit. It does seem that you owe him ( and your child ) a chance for him to change. I guess when you have the adult discussion that you can no longer tolerate this with a child involved, you will know from his response what is more important to him. If it really is 'no big deal' because its only £40 a week, the view OP seems tempted by, then giving it up should be 'no big deal' either. When its a direct choice, £40 of coke or my wife/child, perhaps that will be the key to deciding for you.

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    • By mummyto_1 7th Feb 18, 4:22 PM
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      What's this?

    mummyto_1
    Just coming back with an update.

    He told me before Christmas he would give it up in January, I said to him that's fine and if I ever catch you doing it in the house again that's it you'll be moving out.

    Since January he hasn't done it in the house, BUT.................not sure he's given it up as now he goes round his brothers house at the weekend instead

    Plus, normally he transfers all his wages to me, but when he got paid on 25th January he kept £350 for himself.
    When I asked him on Monday how much he had left he told me £50 so in just over a week he spent £300 and he hasn't bought any clothes or anything like that.

    He went to the drs last week about the problem and the dr set him up with a meeting with a counsellor last Wednesday, which he went to.

    He's meant to go again tonight but he's told me that its cancelled tonight because his case worker is off sick..............apparently.................

    I am monitoring the situation this weekend, if he goes to his brothers yet again I will be packing up his clothes and dropping them to him at his brothers!

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    • By Diamandis 7th Feb 18, 5:38 PM
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      What's this?

    Diamandis
    Have you asked him what he's doing at his brothers or what the money has went on? If he's now hiding things from you that's probably a bigger problem in the relationship than the original issue.

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    • By Katapolt 8th Feb 18, 10:14 AM
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      What's this?

    Katapolt
    how would you feel when your child is 17, and going to their mates house for the weekend, coming back exhausted, moody, asking for more money even though you gave them £50 for their weekend......

    Children learn from their parents, and if that is seen as normal behaviour, they will see no issue with doing it themselves. As a raucous teenager once myself, i can promise you the first thing they will throw is "well if dad can do it why cant i"
    FTB 2017
    Currently dealing with a Quarter Life Crisis

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    • By Fireflyaway 8th Feb 18, 4:00 PM
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      What's this?

    Fireflyaway
    Going to the gp is a courageous thing. Hopefully that helps.
    This might be controversial yes drugs are bad. But so is alcohol that any of us can buy in unlimited quantities of in the supermarket.
    Would you feel as bad / worse if he drank to oblivion every night?
    I'm not condoning drug use but if he is not being violent and he is a good dad and working, cocaine at the weekend might not be any different to drinking. I'd not want my kids to take drugs but I not want them getting plastered at the weekend either! If he keeps it away from the kids I'd not worry too much. As well as being parents we are individuals too.

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