Not sure what to do

mummyto_1

peachyprice wrote: »

It can, but being a parent and spending your weekend in front of the TV with your coke isn't being responsible.

It's OK now, their child is 3 and goes to bed early, that's not going to last forever, there will come a time when he will start to ask mummy why they have to watch TV upstairs at the weekend instead of downstairs with daddy. Now is a good time to take this in to account.

Yes that's the way I'm thinking at the moment

mummyto_1

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

He's done it for years, and not escalated the amount he uses.

He's not aggressive when he does it, it's more like a 'hobby' or 'habit'. He doesn't eat when he's doing it ... but presumably only skips the one meal.

It's low-level, many people spend £40 on a social night out. And it sounds as though it's not causing you financial hardship.

He does it out of sight of others, so the 3yo growing up is not likely to be exposed to the habit.

So that's not time spent with you. So what? Every family needs a little time apart, you don't live in each others' pockets.

What's the real concern here?

Has his health deteriorated?
Is he putting himself in a hazardous situation to buy it?

What does he say when you ask him to stop? You have discussed it with him, haven't you?

Before he met me he used to do it almost daily, so he has cut down.


If he wanted to do it socially then I wouldn't really mind. Its the every weekend indoors that doesn't sit right with me.
Whenever I've spoken to him about it I get told to either stop going on, or that he enjoys it or gives me some date in the future when he's going to give up

kelpie35

Have you no respect for yourself and the safety of your son.

From your post you seem to be making excuses for him.

I know it is not easy, at times, being a single parent and can be quite frightening.

Your duty at present is to make sure your son is safe, I know you have said he is in bed and does not know what is going on. Let me assure you that this behavior from you husband is not acceptable.

You and your son deserve much better.

I would give him a choice, drugs or a wife and son. Nothing in between.

If he chooses drugs then you know he has no respect for either you or his son.

Do not delay in making the right choice.

Fireflyaway

I'm against using drugs but if he is not violent to you, he holds down a job etc and its not impacting you financially I'd probably turn a blind eye. So long as your child never gets hold of it or witnesses it. Scores ( bad choice of word maybe!) Of people get drunk and verbally or physically aggressive when drunk, waste money on gambling or can't be bothered to work. Just because drink or gambling is legal it could impact more than what your partner is doing.
I'd definitely express my concern. What if one day he has a bad reaction? What if he gets caught and loses his job etc. Other than that he is an adult and free to make choices. We all have bad habits but overall he doesn't sound a bad guy.

thorsoak

How do you know that he is not taking cocaine when he is at work?

This will - eventually - have an impact upon his career - more and more companies are beginning to implement drug tests.

Primrose

Turning a blind eye is dangerous behaviour. Where do you draw the line?
Do you turn a blind eye if a family member only shoplifts occasionally? Do youturn a blind eye because they shoplift or steal are only low value items?
Do you turn a blind eye if your partner only texts or gets drunk occasionally whilst driving, even though they still risk killing or injuring somebody?


If something is illegal and against the law there is really only black or white. We all run the risk of having our judgement impaired when a loved one is involved but really it's better just to stick to the facts. He's breaking the law and taking an illegal substance. When your child is older and able to figure these things out for himself, how can a good parent advise a child to do one thing, do the opposite himself and then retain parental respect?


Even worse, what guarantee is there that your partner wouldn't encourage him, or at minimum, not discourage him, from taking a similar route?

TBagpuss

OP, I think it is a lot less black and white than some posters are suggesting.

From what you say, he has a very longstanding habit of taking coke but this does not currently appear to be a problem in the sense of impairing his ability to work or manage stuff on a day to day basis, and i doesn't sound as though he is taking enough to incapacitate him.

SO I think a lot of this comes don to how you feel about it, and how it affects your relationship with him.

It's reasonable for you to consider why / what about it bothers you?
How long have you known, and (assuming you've known for a while) what's changed?

It's not unreasonable for you to have changed your views, particularly as you are older, have more responsibilities - people do change, and not everyone wants the same lifestyle at 30 as they did at 20.

For me personally, it would be a deal breaker. I would not be comfortable having illegal drugs in my home and the fact that there is no ethical way to source cocaine would also be an issue for me.

It may be that you can consider whether there would be any compromise you could come to, depending on your personal concerns. For example, whether the two of you could agree about boundaries - perhaps that he uses away from the house, or that he doesn't ever have any drugs in the house, or whatever works for you.

If you do decide to separate, the fact that he is recreational cocaine user would not be a reason to prevent contact, as a court has to consider the child's welfare and balance out the positive (relationship with dad) against any negatives. If he generally uses on a Saturday night, it might be a good reason not to have over night staying contact on a Saturday, but that's it.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Primrose

mummyto_1 wrote: »

Thank you, really excellent advice


Trust me when I say I will not be leaving that house, I've worked hard since I was 17 to buy my own place, he'll be the one shipping off back to his mum's.


No idea why I didn't just post under my usual account. Its not as if anyone knows who I am on here. Just feeling a bit ashamed I guess

Does his mother know of his habit? I wonder how she'd feel about her grandson being bought up with his father taking cocaine? It doesn't really matter how many times a week he's taking it, does it? How will his mother feel about him taking it under her own roof?

System

spadoosh wrote: »

I believe im a responsible drug user. Although everyone is saying that cant exist so i mustnt be.

oxymoron, IMO

System

Primrose wrote: »

Does his mother know of his habit? I wonder how she'd feel about her grandson being bought up with his father taking cocaine? It doesn't really matter how many times a week he's taking it, does it? How will his mother feel about him taking it under her own roof?

From what little I know about cocaine, it tends to be more of a social drug. Not typically something somebody would do all by themselves. Another aspect of the story that doesn't add up, here.