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Life changing issue and I do not what to do
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Sorry OP but I'm another who is finding it hard to believe. The one thing that initially caught my attention that I found hard to believe was your claim that you asked her each time before you had sex. Checking occasionally I could have believed, but every single time? That would mean you didn't trust her before this happened and if you didnt trust her to take the pill/felt that strongly about not having kids you should have insisted on condoms.
Then I noticed you were moving the goalposts in subsequent posts. For example you start off telling us things like:she said that she did not take a fewby her decision of not telling me that she stopped taking the pills
But then you go on to say:The sentence of her saying "I missed a few and didn't say anything" is stuck in my head.
So which is it? Did she stop taking the pill completely, did she miss a few intentionally or did she simply forget or perhaps take them a few hours later than she should have?
Because simply forgetting/taking late woudn't make her a bad person. Okay theres still an issue with not telling you but we all have lapses in judgement and she may not have been aware how sensitive the pill can be (many people don't until they find out theyre pregnant and have the "but i'm on the pill, how did this happen" conversation with their doctor).
And if she done it deliberately to have a child (again, I dont think she did it to trap you because as has been said, attitudes towards children out of wedlock have well and truly changed and - being someone from a failed marriage - she'd be fully aware of that) then I'd expect her to have stopped taking the pill altogether or to have never been on it in the first place rather than just missing a few.You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means - Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride0 -
charlotte1994 wrote: »If only! Not for everyone, only a percentage get a complete stop. Most women still have a period (the pill stops periods as far as I'm aware)
The combined pill can but doesn't if taken as directed - normally you take it for 21 days then have 7 days off (although some brands have you take a dummy pill on those 7 days so its more routine and you don't forget). But if you go right onto the next pack without having the 7 day break inbetween, you'll skip your period. Its not advisable to do this with any frequency though.
The mini pill can stop periods for a small handful of women, but they're an exception rather than the rule. In some cases it can also cause heavy or irregular bleeding.
Both pills can fail to protect you if taken even 2-3 hours late. Plus with the combined 21 on 7 off, its easier for people to miss restarting by a day or two.
I think (not 100% sure) the injection stops periods for most (indeed if you have heavy/irregular periods your doctor may suggest this). But anyone whos looking to have a child in the near future may be put off as it will usually take around a year after stopping it for a woman to fall pregnant.You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means - Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride0 -
Absolutely they do, or at least in my experience they have done.Red-Squirrel wrote: »This sounds made up to me anyway. I don't believe for a second that the OP is so completely irresistible that a co-worker concocted this scheme to trap him into a relationship. Women just don't do that..
I worked in bakery when I was younger, I worked all the school holidays.
Every summer there would be an influx of girls [and boys] who hadn't stayed on at school. Every end of summer a number [it varied depending on vailability of boys] of th se girls would be pregnant and seeking a council house with the 'father'.
There were also quite a few times when fisticuffs occurred when the father was already married to or living with another worker at the bakery.
You can draw your own conlcusions as the the mentaility of the poeple involved and their idea of their potential prospects.Shampoo? No thanks, I'll have real poo...0 -
Absolutely they do, or at least in my experience they have done.
I worked in bakery when I was younger, I worked all the school holidays.
Every summer there would be an influx of girls [and boys] who hadn't stayed on at school. Every end of summer a number [it varied depending on vailability of boys] of th se girls would be pregnant and seeking a council house with the 'father'.
There were also quite a few times when fisticuffs occurred when the father was already married to or living with another worker at the bakery.
You can draw your own conlcusions as the the mentaility of the poeple involved and their idea of their potential prospects.
Your story provides absolutely no evidence of women deliberately setting out to trap men into relationships.
Its odd to me that you are more judgemental about the young girls than the cheating older men.0 -
What I'm confused about is that you have been in a relationship with this woman for over a year so not just a fling. Yet she waits until she is 3 months pregnant before telling you? Normally you wait until 3 months to tell wider family and friends but your partner and father of the child would find out as soon as you find out surely? I'm also assuming that if 3 months pregnant she has had a scan. Weird that she would keep this all to herself.0
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Red-Squirrel wrote: »Your story provides absolutely no evidence of women deliberately setting out to trap men into relationships.Its odd to me that you are more judgemental about the young girls than the cheating older men.
I'm not being judgemental, I'm telling you what I saw...It's not pretty, and it's not PC, but it happened every year I worked there.
I lived in a very depressed area, it was the very early eighties, it was one way of ensuring that you had somewhere to live and someone to take care of you.
I could tell you another ocrence that happened to an ex, same situation as the OP. He didn't have a relationship with the child until the 'child' was in his twenties because he too fet as if he'd been taken for a ride [ no pun intended]. It does happen.
Wanting things to be sweetness and light and PC friendly doesn't mean things like this don't.
I abolsutely agree though, that if you don't want children, then take responsibility for your own protection and stop leaving it up to the woman. That just shows a remarkable lack of care.Shampoo? No thanks, I'll have real poo...0 -
moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »That paternity test sounds like a very good idea to me.
I'd be shocked in your position that she had lied to me this way and it does sound like she might be trying to blackmail you with the way she says "All or nothing - either move in with me or forget the whole idea of any contact with the child". She thinks she has an ace in her hand to pressurise you with - ie dangling British nationality in front of your nose. That does not say much about her either.
Certainly if she's prepared to lie - as she has clearly done (with the way she told you she was on the Pill and then proceeded not to take some of them) then who knows just what other lies she is prepared to tell. So - yes...do check as to whether a paternity test might show up it's some other man she's used instead of yourself.
I bet she will be off to our Child Support Agency to try and get payments out of you anyway - so being able to prove you weren't the father (if that is the case) would stop that in its tracks. Fingers crossed for you that she isn't going to use the CSA if it turns out you are the father.
No wonder you don't trust her after all this.
(In reply to a previous poster - yes...I am a woman and I think it's important for those of us who are more fair-minded to say "Not all women are like this. Some of us wouldn't dream of treating a man as an unwilling/unknowing sperm bank").
I said to her that I am willing to pay the financial support without saying that I want a paternity test first but she stands by her two options of getting involved and moving in or forgetting about it and just go. Now I went to speak to her again, I know she has been off from work due to sickness and she threaten saying she will go to all my friends from Facebook and my father and tell them about the child if I don't get involved. (she added some of my friends despite of never meeting them)0 -
unholyangel wrote: »Sorry OP but I'm another who is finding it hard to believe. The one thing that initially caught my attention that I found hard to believe was your claim that you asked her each time before you had sex. Checking occasionally I could have believed, but every single time? That would mean you didn't trust her before this happened and if you didnt trust her to take the pill/felt that strongly about not having kids you should have insisted on condoms.
Then I noticed you were moving the goalposts in subsequent posts. For example you start off telling us things like:
But then you go on to say:
So which is it? Did she stop taking the pill completely, did she miss a few intentionally or did she simply forget or perhaps take them a few hours later than she should have?
Because simply forgetting/taking late woudn't make her a bad person. Okay theres still an issue with not telling you but we all have lapses in judgement and she may not have been aware how sensitive the pill can be (many people don't until they find out theyre pregnant and have the "but i'm on the pill, how did this happen" conversation with their doctor).
And if she done it deliberately to have a child (again, I dont think she did it to trap you because as has been said, attitudes towards children out of wedlock have well and truly changed and - being someone from a failed marriage - she'd be fully aware of that) then I'd expect her to have stopped taking the pill altogether or to have never been on it in the first place rather than just missing a few.
She missed a few, she didn't take a few and she knew about it at that point and then decided to tell me when asked that she took them. She was aware of not taking them, she said that she knew there is a risk but did not tell me anything and carried on.
In regards to me asking every time, I did this all the time, not because I did not trust her (stupidly I did) but because I did not want her to miss any. Basically the question wasn't in regard to trust, it was in regards to probably forgetting it.0 -
Mummy2cheekymonkeys wrote: »What I'm confused about is that you have been in a relationship with this woman for over a year so not just a fling. Yet she waits until she is 3 months pregnant before telling you? Normally you wait until 3 months to tell wider family and friends but your partner and father of the child would find out as soon as you find out surely? I'm also assuming that if 3 months pregnant she has had a scan. Weird that she would keep this all to herself.
She told me this over the phone yesterday out of blew. And yes, I have seen her for over a year and never thought she would be dishonest about something so serious. She told about this to her mother but I didn't ask when. She went for a scan too, she said I already went to see the mid wife.0 -
Sunny_Intervals wrote: »I'm generally in the "answer as if it's real, even if it's weird" camp, but I can see where Red-Squirrel's coming from. When modern women do this, it's generally because they want two things: a baby and/or money/status. They might have done it to force a bloke to marry them back in the shotgun marriage days, but these days...? The guy could just say no--there's no societal pressure to rely on to force the issue now.
Your issues regarding contact were kindly answered by Mojisola in the third post. That appears to be the only post you haven't replied to and have instead replied to everyone else regarding your ex's two options instead of getting more information about the third option Moji suggested (i.e. fighting for contact if she tries to prevent it). This is something folk often do when they're trolling, because it would end the thread too quickly otherwise, so that's obviously going to ring a few alarm bells in terms of how genuine your post is. It's not malicious, it's just that some folk get fed up with being messed about with fake scenarios.
For what it's worth, I hope you manage to get the advice you need to ensure some kind of relationship with your child without feeling like you need to be in some weird Stepford relationship with their mother. I also hope you're able to act in a civil manner around your ex instead of vomiting every time you see her, as this could make things like collecting your child for your contact time difficult. My mother managed it, despite my father doing far worse than getting pregnant and smiling.
I just can't reply to that post at all. I tried and it doesn't post my reply to Mojisola's post. I went on that forum and created an account and then I went through it and found similar cases there so this directed me to the child support calculator to see how much I would be paying in child support.
Then I found another useful link saying that for £89 you can get a paternity test done at home, you get the kitt and everything. So Mosijola's post gave me the information I needed in order to see what steps I am to follow. I still can't reply to that post0
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