Life changing issue and I do not what to do

Username91

Hi everyone,

Someone I am seeing for over a year told me yesterday that she is 3 months pregnant. Now, this landed on me like a hammer, I can not express in words how shocked I am. The problem is that she was always on the pill and when questioned about this she said that she did not take a few. ( Now each time when we had sex I was asking her if she took the pill and without hesitation, she would say yes, and ask me what kind of person do I think she is. The situation gets worse as we worked together so I resigned a few weeks ago just to avoid the both of us get sacked. At this point, I feel betrayed by her decision of not telling me that she stopped taking the pills, especially that I asked each time and trusted her. She now says that if I do not move in with her and be by her side to support her she doesn't want me to get involved at all so it's either her way or not at all.

The worst feeling is that she did this and I feel tricked, I always said that I do not want a child because the way myself and my brother suffered due to a dysfunctional relationship and poverty my parents had. I would like to help the child as much as I can, financially and emotionally but I do not want to have anything to do with her, just seeing her makes me sick because she is laughing in my face thinking that I am trapped. I would appreciate any constructive feedback about dealing with this situation. I haven't said anything about this to anyone (I am in the UK for a few years and do not really have any friends I can discuss with) I feel like the sky fell on me and the pressure is overwhelming.

Thank you for reading this

goodwithsaving

You do realise that the pill isn't 100% effective, right? And you are placing this all on her but it takes two people to create a baby.
Why not just talk to her and discuss it sensibly.

Mojisola

Username91 wrote: »

She now says that if I do not move in with her and be by her side to support her she doesn't want me to get involved at all so it's either her way or not at all.

This isn't her decision - she could make life difficult for you but the law is on the side of the child's rights to know both parents.

If you have any doubts about the child's parentage, you can ask for a dna test before starting child maintenance payments.

Check out the forums for fathers such as http://www.separateddads.co.uk/welcome-separated-dads-forum.html

Responsibility for contraception has to be joint - the pill isn't 100% even if used totally in accordance with the instructions - add in the occasional forgotten pill or a spell of vomiting or diarrhoea or taking some antibiotics and the success rates drops.

Username91

goodwithsaving wrote: »

You do realise that the pill isn't 100% effective, right? And you are placing this all on her but it takes two people to create a baby.
Why not just talk to her and discuss it sensibly.

I know it isn't but she telling me that she did not take a few and then passing me these 2 options makes me think that she did it on purpose to twist my hand.

I did try to discuss this with her and she is decided to keep it and passed me the 2 choices I have. Either get involved and move in or just disappear. I do not want any of those 2, I just want to help the child as much as I can do but I do not want anything to do with her ever. I do not want her to be part of my life at all.

fishybusiness

Happened to me many years ago, casual relationship, 'are you on the pill?'.......'yes', my daughter is 28 yrs old next month!

At the time I wanted to walk away, 21 yrs old, cars, pubs and fun were what I wanted. My mum and sister nurtured my relationship with my new born daughter, probably for 3 years or so whilst I sorted myself out.

Totally understand your feelings about being tricked as you put it, but it may not be the full story. It is easy for us blokes to point the finger, especially when things go wrong.

She has an idea of what she wants, so why not talk? You may not have been tricked, if you don't talk you won't find out.

Username91

fishybusiness wrote: »

Happened to me many years ago, casual relationship, 'are you on the pill?'.......'yes', my daughter is 28 yrs old next month!

At the time I wanted to walk away, 21 yrs old, cars, pubs and fun were what I wanted. My mum and sister nurtured my relationship with my new born daughter, probably for 3 years or so whilst I sorted myself out.

Totally understand your feelings about being tricked as you put it, but it may not be the full story. It is easy for us blokes to point the finger, especially when things go wrong.

She has an idea of what she wants, so why not talk? You may not have been tricked, if you don't talk you won't find out.

Hi,

Thank you for your reply. I am happy to see that your daughter got the support of your mum and sister, I think that's amazing. Unfortunately I do not have any support here, I am practically looking after my father who is old and helpless and my brother who is back in the country I am coming from.

I discussed this with her in lenght and she seems really happy about this. I couldn't even stand and control my emotions and she was just there with her arms crossed telling me that I have to choose, either be with her and move in or just go and disappear forever. I tried to discuss options for 5 hours, she has only these 2 in her head and that's it. I had a very well paid job and gave up on it a few weeks ago so she won't loose her job as she has a daughter (she is 8) from a previous marriage. We are both 27 yo and I thought that looking for a new job and finding a new place where to live would be the only issues but now this happened.

Rubik

You only found out yesterday - it's bound to have been a shock, and you are probably still in shock right now and unable to think clearly.

Take some time to think things over - and talk to your girlfriend about how you feel and what it is you would like for the future.

If you go down the road of accusing her of "trapping you", just remember that contraception is the responsibility of you both - if you definitely didn't want any children then you should have worn a condom to make sure that should the Pill fail there was another level of protection.

always said that I do not want a child because the way myself and my brother suffered due to a dysfunctional relationship and poverty my parents had.

Why would you think any child of yours would ahve the same upbringing and experiences you did as a child? As Parents, we learn from our own parents' mistakes.

Whatever you decide, remember that there will be a child in all this, a part of you with your genes, and that child needs a father. What kind of a father you decide to be is up to you, but often what seems like the worst possible scenario turns out to be the greatest joy one could experience.

gettingtheresometime

Username91 wrote: »

I know it isn't but she telling me that she did not take a few and then passing me these 2 options makes me think that she did it on purpose to twist my hand.

I did try to discuss this with her and she is decided to keep it and passed me the 2 choices I have. Either get involved and move in or just disappear. I do not want any of those 2, I just want to help the child as much as I can do but I do not want anything to do with her ever. I do not want her to be part of my life at all.

I hate to say this but you will always have some sort of relationship with this woman because of the child.


Now you can either be 'in a relationship' with her or you can have a relationship whereby you are both civil to each other (or at least you to her).

SuperPikachu

Just take some time as others said above to think about things if you only just found out - definitely don't make any decisions whilst your brain is in a panicked state.

The leaving your job bit confuses me a little, what sort of work do you do in which you are not allowed to have a relationship with a co-worker? I have only worked in offices so never come across that.

Username91

SuperPikachu wrote: »

Just take some time as others said above to think about things if you only just found out - definitely don't make any decisions whilst your brain is in a panicked state.

The leaving your job bit confuses me a little, what sort of work do you do in which you are not allowed to have a relationship with a co-worker? I have only worked in offices so never come across that.

Hi and thank you for your reply

I work as a hotel manager and she is a supervisor. It states clearly in the policy that a personal relationship which may cause a conflict of interest is considered as being gross missconduct.

Now someone find out about it and I decided to resign before we would both loose our job based on that. The company does not tolerate anything like this I know for a fact.

p00hsticks

Username91 wrote: »

The worst feeling is that she did this and I feel tricked, I always said that I do not want a child because the way myself and my brother suffered due to a dysfunctional relationship and poverty my parents had.

sorry. but this doesn't wash with me - if you were adamant that you didn't want children then you should have worn a condom, or even abstained from full penetrative sex altogether, regardless of whether (she said) she was on the pill.


It's too late for you now, but perhaps some others reading this may think more carefully....