Life changing issue and I do not what to do

ophiuchus

Are you likely to be moving back to your home country permanently at some point?

charlotte1994

p00hsticks wrote: »

sorry. but this doesn't wash with me - if you were adamant that you didn't want children then you should have worn a condom, or even abstained from full penetrative sex altogether, regardless of whether (she said) she was on the pill.


It's too late for you now, but perhaps some others reading this may think more carefully....

You only have sex when you want kids? I don't want kids but I have the implant and I time my cycle. I wouldn't dream of giving up my sex life. Do infertile couples not have sex either?

Username91

charlotte1994 wrote: »

She tricked you by being dishonest about taking the pill - I'm sorry but that is not someone I would want to be with. I'm sorry that you are going through this, I don't want children either. She is trying to trap you, personally I think this is like emotional abuse and blackmail. How do you feel about your partner? If you feel really deeply about your partner I would say stay and be the best dad you can be. I think that staying together for the sake of children isn't healthy, you need to be comfortable in your relationship. I wouldn't think ill of you for walking away if you made it clear to her that you did not want children. She has made an incredibly life changing decision on your behalf.

Sure the pill isn't 100% effective but being lied to about taking it is different, it's betrayal.

The only thing I hate it has nothing to do with her getting pregnant, is the fact that I think she did this deliberately and I can not trust her at all, I can't even look at her. I told her it was unfair to hide from me that she did not take the pills and not fair to say she did take them afterward when she did not and was aware of that. The only thing we both agree on is that she should have mentioned that.

Anyhow, I said I will support the child but she is telling me move in with me or don't get involved at all and just go.

I never felt so much distress in my life and it is really hard to express how I really feel.

Username91

ophiuchus wrote: »

Are you likely to be moving back to your home country permanently at some point?

I do not have an answer for that. I have been here for 5 years and had well paid job, studied here and everything I have is here. I am looking after my father who is in his 60 with a very basic English. Now back home it's only my brother and my mother who need my financial support.

Going back would be only if I do not have to look after my father and my family back home or if I earn enough there to help them.

spadoosh

charlotte1994 wrote: »

You only have sex when you want kids? I don't want kids but I have the implant and I time my cycle. I wouldn't dream of giving up my sex life. Do infertile couples not have sex either?

They didnt say that did they?

They said if you dont want children you need to be particularly careful about casual relationships and contraception that is known not to be 100% effective.

Why did you make your posts about you and your decision not to have children?

You literally created the thing you wanted to be offended by.

spadoosh

Username91 wrote: »

I never felt so much distress in my life and it is really hard to express how I really feel.

You seem to be in shock. We planned a child and it was still shocking for me so can only imagine what youre going through.

Youre going to have to get over the betrayal at some point there just not a lot you can do about it. What you can control is you and your actions. You keep referring to what she says but it seems clear that you cant rely on what she does say so start working out exactly what you want from this situation and start looking at the methods of achieving that. Its just not a case of what she says goes so keep that in mind.

The best thigns for you to do is to not react. Dont react to the smiles, dont react to what you think shes doing just dont react. Remove any emotional attachments to her and the betrayal in order to be able to see a clearer picture of where things are heading. At the moment you have no clue of the future and its usually terrifying like that.

Username91

spadoosh wrote: »

You seem to be in shock. We planned a child and it was still shocking for me so can only imagine what youre going through.

Youre going to have to get over the betrayal at some point there just not a lot you can do about it. What you can control is you and your actions. You keep referring to what she says but it seems clear that you cant rely on what she does say so start working out exactly what you want from this situation and start looking at the methods of achieving that. Its just not a case of what she says goes so keep that in mind.

The best thigns for you to do is to not react. Dont react to the smiles, dont react to what you think shes doing just dont react. Remove any emotional attachments to her and the betrayal in order to be able to see a clearer picture of where things are heading. At the moment you have no clue of the future and its usually terrifying like that.

You are right, I am terrified of the whole situation. The worst thing is that I can not speak with anyone about it, I have to pretend that nothing happened as my family relies on me. Now I am focusing on getting a job by not getting a lower pay than the job I had. This will give me the financial security.

Probably it is pointless to say that I never wanted children up to this point but trusting someone with that has definetely changed that quite dramatically.

spadoosh

Username91 wrote: »

You are right, I am terrified of the whole situation. The worst thing is that I can not speak with anyone about it, I have to pretend that nothing happened as my family relies on me. Now I am focusing on getting a job by not getting a lower pay than the job I had. This will give me the financial security.

Probably it is pointless to say that I never wanted children up to this point but trusting someone with that has definetely changed that quite dramatically.

Its scary as hell. Fortunately the reality of the situation is much more mundane its just the unknown that keeps us on our toes.

Id be reluctant to avoid putting all the pressure on myself and keeping things from your family. They might rely on you but theycan only rely on you if youre inthe right frame of mind to be helping them, therefore you should always be the priority (to you)., if you crumble its inevitable they will if they rely on you.

This place is always open too and whilst you wont find people who always agree with you and back you up like in usual friendships you will find people who will give you home truths and honest advice and probably a much needed different perspective, it can be hard to break out of a bad thought process.

Getting the focus right with the job hunt will take your attention away from the upset of all of this so great place to start.

Your life isnt over, youve learnt a lesson and you will progress from how youre feeling now knowing a little bit more.

All the best with it.

Red-Squirrel_2

Comms69 wrote: »

I always find it bizarre that some men expect adoption / abortion to be realistic options.


I mean sure in some cases. But to suggest it so casually..?!

What's more alarming is that MITSTM is a woman.

I wonder how she'd feel about a third party having such expectations about her body and choices?!

This sounds made up to me anyway. I don't believe for a second that the OP is so completely irresistible that a co-worker concocted this scheme to trap him into a relationship. Women just don't do that. Convenient that if he doesn't move in she apparently will reject all financial support as well as contact.

Red-Squirrel_2

charlotte1994 wrote: »

You only have sex when you want kids? I don't want kids but I have the implant and I time my cycle. I wouldn't dream of giving up my sex life. Do infertile couples not have sex either?

You shouldn't be having a natural cycle on the implant.