Life changing issue and I do not what to do

Comms69

Username91 wrote: »

Hi and thank you for your reply

I work as a hotel manager and she is a supervisor. It states clearly in the policy that a personal relationship which may cause a conflict of interest is considered as being gross missconduct.

Now someone find out about it and I decided to resign before we would both loose our job based on that. The company does not tolerate anything like this I know for a fact.

I think you would have had a very strong case to fight any dismissal. Resigning was probably the worst decision.

moneyistooshorttomention

Username91 wrote: »

I know it isn't but she telling me that she did not take a few and then passing me these 2 options makes me think that she did it on purpose to twist my hand.

I did try to discuss this with her and she is decided to keep it and passed me the 2 choices I have. Either get involved and move in or just disappear. I do not want any of those 2, I just want to help the child as much as I can do but I do not want anything to do with her ever. I do not want her to be part of my life at all.

What did she say when you proposed she had an abortion?

You DID say "Abortions are legal in this country and, of course, I'll support you through it" ??

Obviously, adoption is also possible. I understand couples that can't have their own children are crying out for healthy young babies to adopt.

If she refuses to take either of these options - it does look like she did this deliberately and I wouldn't want anything more to do with someone so untrustworthy in your position.

Rubik

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

What did she say when you proposed she had an abortion?

You DID say "Abortions are legal in this country and, of course, I'll support you through it" ??

Obviously, adoption is also possible. I understand couples that can't have their own children are crying out for healthy young babies to adopt.

If she refuses to take either of these options - it does look like she did this deliberately and I wouldn't want anything more to do with someone so untrustworthy in your position.

That's a huge leap to make! Surely keeping the child is also a viable option to the woman without any inference of having gotten pregnant deliberately?

Comms69

Rubik wrote: »

That's a huge leap to make! Surely keeping the child is also a viable option to the woman without any inference of having gotten pregnant deliberately?

I always find it bizarre that some men expect adoption / abortion to be realistic options.


I mean sure in some cases. But to suggest it so casually..?!

HampshireH

What did she say when you proposed she had an abortion?

You DID say "Abortions are legal in this country and, of course, I'll support you through it" ??

Obviously, adoption is also possible. I understand couples that can't have their own children are crying out for healthy young babies to adopt.

If she refuses to take either of these options - it does look like she did this deliberately and I wouldn't want anything more to do with someone so untrustworthy in your position.

What a horrible thing to say. This woman may also not have *wanted* a baby. Just because she is choosing to keep it does not mean she trapped him.

This man failed to put something on the end of it and relied wholly on her taking the pill (which can also fail) he needs to take some responsibility.

Suggesting that because she doesnt want an abortion or adoption must mean she trapped him is a huge leap and really ignorant to the many reasons she may not want to have an abortion or offer the child for adoption. (Cultural, religious, moral, health, age)

There are many kids out there up for adoption who do not have families. More kids than families to take them. Why would someone who is happy to raise their child consider this for a man who wants nothing more to do with her?

Regardless of if she has the baby there is no relationship here.

Sounds like the OP buried that the minute he heard. She was ok to sleep with for a year but clearly he didn't feel there was any long term prospects.

Its easy to say she has trapped him. She may also be alone in the UK with no support which is why she had said all or nothing. She may also have panicked knowing he would turn his back on her. So much we dont know.

Its certainly not how I would choose to do things but there is another side to this and we should remember that.

Username91

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

What did she say when you proposed she had an abortion?

You DID say "Abortions are legal in this country and, of course, I'll support you through it" ??

Obviously, adoption is also possible. I understand couples that can't have their own children are crying out for healthy young babies to adopt.

If she refuses to take either of these options - it does look like she did this deliberately and I wouldn't want anything more to do with someone so untrustworthy in your position.

I did not put it this way, I explained the fact that I expressed my thoughts about not having a child clearly and she always said that she would never decide alone on something like this as it has to be agreed mutually. She tried before to push me into moving in with her but I always declined the idea.
None of us shares the idea of giving the child away if she will keep it and I said that I want to support her and the child financially but she is not having any of these, either move in with her or disappear completly from her life.

The worst things is that I feel so much disgust because I look at her and she smiles to me and I just can't unseen that, I can't trust her at all now no matter how much I would try. The sentence of her saying "I missed a few and didn't say anything" is stuck in my head.

System

p00hsticks wrote: »

sorry. but this doesn't wash with me - if you were adamant that you didn't want children then you should have worn a condom, or even abstained from full penetrative sex altogether, regardless of whether (she said) she was on the pill.


It's too late for you now, but perhaps some others reading this may think more carefully....

People are sneaky though. American sports stars are requested by management to physically flush remnants down the loo personally to avoid this kind of thing.


It's not uncommon that these types of issues are pre-planned.


I would watch every next step from now on to understand the lay of the land before you react. Play it cool and consider every move.

Username91

HampshireH wrote: »

What a horrible thing to say. This woman may also not have *wanted* a baby. Just because she is choosing to keep it does not mean she trapped him.

This man failed to put something on the end of it and relied wholly on her taking the pill (which can also fail) he needs to take some responsibility.

Suggesting that because she doesnt want an abortion or adoption must mean she trapped him is a huge leap and really ignorant to the many reasons she may not want to have an abortion or offer the child for adoption. (Cultural, religious, moral, health, age)

There are many kids out there up for adoption who do not have families. More kids than families to take them. Why would someone who is happy to raise their child consider this for a man who wants nothing more to do with her?

Regardless of if she has the baby there is no relationship here.

I agree with that. We never discussed about anything serious and we both agreed on that. Now me trusting her probably wasn't the best thing. Every time when we had sex or in our conversations I was always asking her if she took the pills and she always said yes. Now she admitted by not taking a few at some point and I think it would been fair to tell me that so we can both eliminate the risk,

Sounds like the OP buried that the minute he heard. She was ok to sleep with for a year but clearly he didn't feel there was any long term prospects.

This was agreed by the both of us, it was mutual so not sure what is wrong here.

Its easy to say she has trapped him. She may also be alone in the UK with no support which is why she had said all or nothing. She may also have panicked knowing he would turn his back on her. So much we dont know.

She has her family here. She panicked because she told me that probably she should have mention the fact that she missed a few pills. I told her she hasn't been fair to me by hiding that and carrying on with the sex and still saying yes, she took the pills. She admits not being fair and passes to me the 2 options, move in with me or disappear.

Its certainly not how I would choose to do things but there is another side to this and we should remember that.

I do not want the child to be passed for adoption or anything like this, I said I will support the child financially and help but I do not to deal with her at all, I can not trust her with anything.

Username91

andydownes123 wrote: »

People are sneaky though. American sports stars are requested by management to physically flush remnants down the loo personally to avoid this kind of thing.


It's not uncommon that these types of issues are pre-planned.


I would watch every next step from now on to understand the lay of the land before you react. Play it cool and consider every move.

The biggest mistake was to trust her. She mentioned half a year ago or so how would I react to something like this and then straight away before me answering she said it was a sick joke.

Now I am to be blamed for trusting her in regards to the pill. We both knew that this sort of relationship won't lead to anywhere, my stay in the UK is restricted and she knows this. Now passing me the 2 options with nothing in between makes me think that she pre planned this. She said she can marry me so I can get the citizenship and be able to stay here, I declined that.

charlotte1994

She tricked you by being dishonest about taking the pill - I'm sorry but that is not someone I would want to be with. I'm sorry that you are going through this, I don't want children either. She is trying to trap you, personally I think this is like emotional abuse and blackmail. How do you feel about your partner? If you feel really deeply about your partner I would say stay and be the best dad you can be. I think that staying together for the sake of children isn't healthy, you need to be comfortable in your relationship. I wouldn't think ill of you for walking away if you made it clear to her that you did not want children. She has made an incredibly life changing decision on your behalf.


Sure the pill isn't 100% effective but being lied to about taking it is different, it's betrayal.