cheating - what now?

Mips

feelinggood wrote: »

I'm a better wife for having this man in my life. I know it doesn't fit in with most peoples idea of marriage, but, for now, this is working for all involved.

Are you cheating too or are you the OP?

CB1979_2

feelinggood wrote: »

Some people change more than others. I was just turned 14 when I started seeing my husband. He was an adult then, and is much the same now as he was then. I, on the other hand, have changed completely.

I feel immense guilt that I'm not the woman my husband wants me to be. I stay in the marriage because I desperately want it to work, I desperately want him to be right for me, and me right for him.

Perhaps the OP is in a similar situation. I'm saying that people do change, and sometimes they change too much, and a relationship isn't saveable. If this is the case for her, I don't think she should stay out of guilt - I've tried that.

so basically you don't want to be on your own claiming benefits.

how exactly have you stayed cos of guilt??
the guilt is caused by you shagging around

floss2

From personal experience of meeting at 18, being married for over 15 years & being divorced at 37, I know how people can change & grow in different ways during a marriage that began when very young, and I also know exactly how your lover's wife feels.

Using that experience and the knowledge I gained when my marriage broke down several years later, I suggest the following:

Dump the lover - before he does the same to you as he has done to his wife
Look for a new job
Work out why you went looking for thrills elsewhere
Work out whether you want to stay married or not
Talk to your husband - and tell him why you did what you did

Be prepared for some fallout from your husband, family members and friends.
Also be prepared for possible reconciliations or break-ups and a lot of hard work & anguish.

It is not an easy path to tread, but with honesty and soul searching it can be an enlightening journey, whether it ends in your marriage growing stronger or breaking down.

Glen0000

feelinggood wrote: »

Some people change more than others. I was just turned 14 when I started seeing my husband. He was an adult then, and is much the same now as he was then. I, on the other hand, have changed completely.

I feel immense guilt that I'm not the woman my husband wants me to be. I stay in the marriage because I desperately want it to work, I desperately want him to be right for me, and me right for him.

Perhaps the OP is in a similar situation. I'm saying that people do change, and sometimes they change too much, and a relationship isn't saveable. If this is the case for her, I don't think she should stay out of guilt - I've tried that.

So if things got tough with my teenage daughter, would it be ok to walk away as she is not the sweet 4 year old she once was? People grow, people change. Deal with it. It is called COMMITMENT.

I wish people like you did and the OP not get married as it makes a joke of the serious vows I made. Which part of "till death do us part" dont you get?

mymatebob

CB1979 wrote: »

no this thread is about trying to find pathetic excuses to make it seem alright that some woman is wh0ring it about.

there's no excuses for cheating (as i think you said) so simple answer is if you want to do it, be adult enough to end whatever relationship first then move on.

anyway just a shame the hubby was shagging her mate, sure she'd be feeling different about her little irrestible fling there!

ps thanks for the thanks

What a splendidly constructive reply.
Well done.

I said "never say never", because I do not know every situation that will occur in every persons life.

CB1979_2

call it what you want.

end of the day it's FACT

spacecommander

CB1979 wrote: »

so basically you don't want to be on your own claiming benefits.

how exactly have you stayed cos of guilt??
the guilt is caused by you shagging around

I'm finding some of your comments pretty offensive, is there really any need to talk like that?
Despite the topic of conversation, you really have no right to be so rude.

mymatebob

CB1979 wrote: »

call it what you want.

end of the day it's FACT

What is a FACT?

galvanizersbaby

calleyw wrote: »

Maybe But I know my husband very well and I know what he is like he can't lie.

Sorry Calleyw - I wasn't suggesting that your husband would lie to you - apols if you took my post that way x - was just making the point that a lot of men would say the same and not be sincere :mad:

SugarSpun

People change enormously over time. That's why they're people and not 1970s avocado bathroom suites. The trick is to keep you and your partner aware and involved in the ways you're changing, so you don't lose the connection between you that made you decide they were right for you in the first place.

When I met my partner, I was 19. I was 20lbs lighter, almost entirely lacking in self confidence, and I wanted to get my degree and get a fabulous job with wonderful maternity benefits. It's ten years later. I'm heavier, more confident, and I did a PhD instead of getting a real job and have only just managed to join the real world. My interests, my friends, the way I dress, the music I listen to, even my politics and my thoughts on having children have changed dramatically, and I often wish I could visit my 19 year old self and smack her in the head for being an idiot (and for her drastic fashion errors).

My partner has changed almost equally, although I'd swear he's put on more weight than I have :P

What keeps us together is that we've always talked about how we feel, how we're changing and what we want and how it's different from what we used to want. If you can get in the habit of keeping your partner involved and informed about what's going on with you, there's not the sense of "losing touch" or "falling out of love" because you have the newest version of this person you love to love all over again.

I sound like a greetings card on ecstasy, but you get the idea, right?

OP, talk to your husband. Really talk. Not about having an affair, but about how you've changed, how he's changed, how the two of you can work together. You might be surprised at how your feelings change, and you can let the other guy decide whether or not to stay with his pregnant wife and his obligations by himself.

Was it a planned pregnancy?