cheating - what now?

poet123

Self control...two words which would out a stop to a lot of heartbreak in the world. A few weeks ago a friend of mine (whom I have known since I was 7)phoned me to say that her "first love" had emailed her via friends reunited. I was around when she met him and around when they broke up and I know she has never really got over him,despite it happening 30 yers ago. She married for a second time a few years go and her husband is a lovely caring man, as was her first husband. She asked my advice as to whether she should reply to the email, I told her that by doing so she was opening a can of worms which would inevitably end up with them having an affair. I advised her to delete the message and remove anything on her friends reunited site which would lead him to her. She rang back and told me she had done as I had advised adding that what she had needed was a push in the right direction and someone to tell her to exercise some self control.

It is never too late to do that, walk away.....

gremlin

pandapiglet wrote: »

when you love someone (and it is love) it is difficult to just say no i won't see you anymore, especially when i see him almost everyday and cannot avoid him (i have tried, believe me or not)

i am sorry if i have caused upset to posters on here, but i just wanted some advice as my head is completely f@*ked up at the moment, and no i don't want sympathy.

but that is the point. Just step aside for a second and look at it.

Can you really love a man who is that deceitful?

If hes that able to decieve his wife at her most needy and your husband on a daily basis hes obviously very good at it.

Imagine a year down the line, all the stress of leaving your spouses and reality kicking in, a demanding (financially and emotionally) ex and baby, how will he react to it? Will he be strong and responsible or will he run to the easier option of going back to her, or even look for another escape route with another girl at work? Going on his behaviour now what do you think his options will be?

He may be Mr wonderful to you right now, but its not real, its a fantasy world at the moment and fantasy is always preferable to reality. But in the cold light of day these things seldom work out.

Jane x

loftus

Unless you are incredibly naive you should be able to guess the responses you will recieve posting this sort of topic on an internet forum.
And, if I am honest, I don't believe the OP is looking for advice, nor is there any advice here she can recieve that will influence her. I suspect that she was hoping that, amidst all the criticism, there would be some supportive replies that she could take some comfort from.
Sorry if that's harsh but at the end of the day there are only two people who will decide this now - although if things become more wildly know it may not be the two people having the affair.
I hope the OP (and others) take to heart some of the harsher replies but I really don't think that will happen.

RoxieW

Dippychick wrote: »

Should we offer sympathy? What about the pregnant Wife at home? What if she is on here, replying to the thread??? Totally unaware it is her Man who is the cheat?

:eek: It's not me is it!! :eek:

feelinggood_2

loftus wrote: »

I hope the OP (and others) take to heart some of the harsher replies but I really don't think that will happen.

I'm a better wife for having this man in my life. I know it doesn't fit in with most peoples idea of marriage, but, for now, this is working for all involved.

Glen0000

feelinggood wrote: »

I think its worth bearing in mind the age at which the OP started seeing her husband. 16 is very young, and people do grow apart and change.

I am sorry, but marriage is tough whether you were 13 or 30, when you started seeing someone. I started seeing my wife when we were teens. That does not give me an excuse to behave like some love sick teenager. The OP needs to grow up and put her kids first.

Everyone grows and changes in a marriage. Some sexy love affair is bound to be more exciting. Marriage is not some fairytale. it is hard work, like having kids. Doing the right thing is not easy, but in the long run your kids will thank you for it. There is more to life than cheap thrills.

feelinggood_2

Glen0000 wrote: »

I am sorry, but marriage is tough whether you were 13 or 30, when you started seeing someone. I started seeing my wife when we were teens. That does not give me an excuse to behave like some love sick teenager. The OP needs to grow up and put her kids first.

Everyone grows and changes in a marriage. Some sexy love affair is bound to be more exciting. Marriage is not some fairytale. it is hard work, like having kids. Doing the right thing is not easy, but in the long run your kids will thank you for it. There is more to life than cheap thrills.

Some people change more than others. I was just turned 14 when I started seeing my husband. He was an adult then, and is much the same now as he was then. I, on the other hand, have changed completely.

I feel immense guilt that I'm not the woman my husband wants me to be. I stay in the marriage because I desperately want it to work, I desperately want him to be right for me, and me right for him.

Perhaps the OP is in a similar situation. I'm saying that people do change, and sometimes they change too much, and a relationship isn't saveable. If this is the case for her, I don't think she should stay out of guilt - I've tried that.

CB1979_2

mymatebob wrote: »

Oops did a thanks instead of a quote sorry CB wasn't meaning to thank you.

I think that feelingood is trying to make a choice, that may mean she has different morals to you.

But then this is not a thread about morals - is it?

no this thread is about trying to find pathetic excuses to make it seem alright that some woman is wh0ring it about.

there's no excuses for cheating (as i think you said) so simple answer is if you want to do it, be adult enough to end whatever relationship first then move on.

anyway just a shame the hubby was shagging her mate, sure she'd be feeling different about her little irrestible fling there!

ps thanks for the thanks

poet123

feelinggood wrote: »

I'm a better wife for having this man in my life. I know it doesn't fit in with most peoples idea of marriage, but, for now, this is working for all involved.

That is a bit of a cop out, and with all due respect, only your husband could make that judgement when he was in possession of all the facts...do you think he would agree?

Although I did note a telling word in your OP..... when you mentioned your husband cheating....... again. If I am reading this correctly it seems you have been cheated on? so you know what perspective he would be coming from...did you think it made him a better husband?

KittyKate

feelinggood wrote: »

I'm a better wife for having this man in my life. I know it doesn't fit in with most peoples idea of marriage, but, for now, this is working for all involved.

Sorry, but I don't buy that for one second

You're a better wife for cheating on your husband? Don't be ridiculous. Only whilst he doesn't know. Are you being a better wife through guilt? Or the glow of your 'new' relationship? Would him finding out hurt him to the core? Is it OK to cheat as long as you lie too, then?

I really do want people to be happy, generally. And staying in a loveless or unfulfilling marriage is not something I wish on anyone. But this is a world full of people and we can't all think about ourselves and ourselves alone. You owe it to yourself and your husband to be honest about the state of your marriage, aside from your affair. Then start your new relationship with whomever you choose.

You can't 'excuse' an affair - ever. Don't start new chapters without finishing old ones.