cheating - what now?

mymatebob

Nice to see that people are being helpful with all their advice!

The OP is in a situation that she wishes she was not and is looking to resolve it with the least pain and with a hopeful future.

So if all you have to say is "what a terrible person you are - and this man is worse" then don't bother.

Who does it help? No-one except those who feel the need to vent their moral spleens

G-G_4

Are you sure that when the baby is born he won't go back to her? Even if you two do run off together?

You need to be sure that it really is what you want.. the both of you..

SugarSpun

If you were listening to a friend telling you this story, without any emotional involvement, would you think it was a good idea to jump out of one serious relationship into another? What if your friend introduced her new partner and you knew he'd left his pregnant wife for her?

I'm guessing you'd be worried that he'd do the same to her.

I'm not going to moralise, although it's tempting. It doesn't make good sense. Either you leave your husband or you stay, but whichever way you go this man is not a good person to keep around.

I've been with my Most Beloved for ten years. We're not in the kind of love any more where our hearts beat faster whenever we see each other, and we've stopped sneaking into toilets on trains or out of parties to have super passionate quickie sex. We don't even have a lot of sex any more, and it's been very difficult a lot of the time. What makes it work is that our relationship is based on a fundamental respect for each other and the sort of love that you can only develop over a long period of time, where you stop always appearing in matching underwear and immaculate makeup. When you realise that that's gone it can be incredibly difficult. I've wanted the thrill of someone new and unknown more than once. But I've never cheated on my partner while we've been together, because I value what we've made.

It comes down to what's worth more to you: security and a serious commitment to working on things that sometimes need maintenance and overhauling, or are you content to bounce from one man to the next and risk having him move on as soon as the spark vanishes again?

loftus

feelinggood wrote: »

I've never understood the being honest with partners thing.

When should you be honest? When you meet someone and feel that spark? When you kiss them? When you are emotionally involved and not just having fun?

I'm having an affair. Its early days. I don't know if I want to leave my husband or not. Should I tell him now, which would be the end of our marriage, or am I alright to carry on for a little while before making up my mind? I'd hate to throw away my marriage before I'm totally certain.

I'd want the same from my husband if he ever cheated again - not to end the marriage until he is absolutely sure.

And I stick by my thinking that it isn't easy to just stop.

I know I'm wrong for having an affair, but sometimes 'the other guy' is the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. Is it really so wrong?

So you want your husband as a safety net - just in case the affair doesn't pan out and you think thats being kind to him?????
If he knew you were having an affair you say the marriage would be over, you want time to decide. Read that through again and think just totally selfish and one sided that sounds.
No I guess it isn't easy to stop and the new bloke may be the true love of your life. But you owe it to your husband to be honest with him.
And yes, it really is so wrong!

loftus

mymatebob wrote: »

Nice to see that people are being helpful with all their advice!

The OP is in a situation that she wishes she was not and is looking to resolve it with the least pain and with a hopeful future.

So if all you have to say is "what a terrible person you are - and this man is worse" then don't bother.

Who does it help? No-one except those who feel the need to vent their moral spleens

Ok - to resolve it with the least pain she needs to end the affair. That way two people get hurt - her and the other guy, and at least they are in control of the hurt.
To continue the affair hurts both their partners, their children and very probably the extended families. Means months and years of wrangling through divorce lawyers and possibly courts.
If you are unhappy end your marriage before moving on to the next partner.

pantsdr

forsaking all others.....

Be truthful and honest.....

ring a bell?

feelinggood_2

loftus wrote: »

So you want your husband as a safety net - just in case the affair doesn't pan out and you think thats being kind to him?????
If he knew you were having an affair you say the marriage would be over, you want time to decide. Read that through again and think just totally selfish and one sided that sounds.
No I guess it isn't easy to stop and the new bloke may be the true love of your life. But you owe it to your husband to be honest with him.
And yes, it really is so wrong!

Perhaps you are right. My situation is a little complicated. The main reason why my marriage isn't working is because of my mental health problems. I'm just trying to get better, so I can take a real look at the situation and make the right choice.

I think it (usually) takes two people to get to a place where a marriage is failing.

OP - sorry for hijacking your thread. I've got a lot of emotions going round about my affair and just needed to get some of it out.

OP - would relationship counselling help? Either both of you, or just you?

mymatebob

pantsdr wrote: »

forsaking all others.....

Be truthful and honest.....

ring a bell?

And this helps how?

Mips

mymatebob wrote: »

Nice to see that people are being helpful with all their advice!

The OP is in a situation that she wishes she was not and is looking to resolve it with the least pain and with a hopeful future.

So if all you have to say is "what a terrible person you are - and this man is worse" then don't bother.

Who does it help? No-one except those who feel the need to vent their moral spleens

But what good is it if we all lie to make the OP feel better?

Should we all say 'don't worry about it honey, all is fair in love and War'?

Should we offer sympathy? What about the pregnant Wife at home? What if she is on here, replying to the thread??? Totally unaware it is her Man who is the cheat?

What if all this good and sympathetic advice is taken by the OP and everyone was so lovely and caring, that she decided to leave her hubby... to end up having a nervous breakdown in 6 months when NOBODY wants her?

Personally, I want opinions from people who can offer facts based on real life experiences, not necessarily moral high grounds.

And remember, there will be Women on here and Men who have the badge 'I was cheated on'.

feelinggood_2

mymatebob wrote: »

And this helps how?

It helps me to feel even more guilty.