cheating - what now?

emmy05

feelinggood wrote: »

I've cheated in the past, and have been forgiven. I've never had such a 'serious' affair before.

I don't know how he'd react really. I've got no idea.

I try and talk to him about my depression and stuff, but we just end up rowing.

wont he go to marriage counselling with you then and try to sort out things that way?

shellsuit

feelinggood wrote: »

I've cheated in the past, and have been forgiven. I've never had such a 'serious' affair before.

I don't know how he'd react really. I've got no idea.

I try and talk to him about my depression and stuff, but we just end up rowing.

He's cheated on you too hasn't he? (Think I read it in another post?)

Do you really think there is any point in continuing with your marriage? You've both cheated on each other, you are both unhappy and you're not even communicating, so have you thought about a trial split or something, where you can both see if you would be better off without each other, because I can honestly only see you both dragging each other further down in the future.

SugarSpun

feelinggood wrote: »

My husband struggles to cope with me being ill. He has never suffered from depression, so he doesn't understand how I can't just go and get a job and stop feeling sorry for myself. He is full of good intentions, and he means well, but he really doesn't understand, and usually ends up making me feel worse. I feel like a failure and a pathetic mess because I can't do the things he thinks would help.

It's hard to know how someone with depression feels, and it can be frustrating when someone isn't able to do something you know can help. I've almost bitten through my tongue more than once when my beloved has spent an entire day on the sofa because he's not felt up to even washing the dishes or running out to buy bread.

Make it a project with your husband - talk to him about what you feel you need, ask him what he feels he needs. Make it a pact before you start talking that anyone who raises their voice has to walk three times around the garden, or go and make everyone a cup of tea. And then once you have these things out in the open, write them down, and work together on how you can make them happen together.

Take baby steps - if he thinks you should go out and get a job, the first step could be that by the end of the week you've written up and polished your CV. And while you're doing that, his task could be to go to the library and find a book about depression, and read a certain amount of it. If the steps are too large for you, then you can either make them smaller or initiate rewards at the end of each one.

If you can start to feel as if you and your husband are working together, then your need for an extra set of helping hands will diminish and you can start looking at the rest of your life.

You're not a failure. Everyone needs help sometimes, and often we have unrealistic expectations of the people closest to us because we admire them so much we resent knowing that they're not always as strong as we want them to be.

feelinggood_2

shellsuit wrote: »

He's cheated on you too hasn't he? (Think I read it in another post?)

Do you really think there is any point in continuing with your marriage? You've both cheated on each other, you are both unhappy and you're not even communicating, so have you thought about a trial split or something, where you can both see if you would be better off without each other, because I can honestly only see you both dragging each other further down in the future.

Sensibly, a temporary split would probably be for the best. However it might seem, I do love him, and I really, really wish I could be a better wife to him. I keep hoping that maybe something will change and it'll work out?

And Ive suggested relationship counselling, but he won't agree. He has his head in the sand a bit, and thinks that everything is fine - or it would be if I wasn't 'crazy'.

floss2

feelinggood wrote: »

Sensibly, a temporary split would probably be for the best. However it might seem, I do love him, and I really, really wish I could be a better wife to him. I keep hoping that maybe something will change and it'll work out?

Maybe it would clarify everyone's feelings?

feelinggood wrote: »

And Ive suggested relationship counselling, but he won't agree. He has his head in the sand a bit, and thinks that everything is fine - or it would be if I wasn't 'crazy'.

Have you considered going to Relate for counselling on your own? They may be more able to help than your local NHS services.

feelinggood_2

floss2 wrote: »

Maybe it would clarify everyone's feelings?

I did leave for 3 nights a while ago, but I came back. Despite everything, I missed him.

floss2 wrote: »

Have you considered going to Relate for counselling on your own? They may be more able to help than your local NHS services.

Next time I see my Pyschiatrist, I'll ask her. I was planning on starting 'normal' counselling privately, but she said its not the right time for that, so I don't know if relationship counselling will be that same. Do relate doing counselling for just one person, not the couple?

floss2

Yes, they do.... and by email or phone too.
http://www.relate.org.uk/wantadvice/

virgin_moneysaver

feelinggood wrote: »

I'm under the care of my local Community Mental Health Team. I'm practically begging for help, and gratefully accepting anything they've got to offer. These things take time, and until I'm a bit stronger, I *need* this affair. Am I still a selfish, evil woman? Am I still totally wrong?

And the alternative is pretty bad. It was 'the other guy' who persauded me to go to hospital after my last overdose.

yes, you are selfish, & yes you are being unfair -- to your boyfriend! does he realise he's just being used because you *need* this affair - let alone what you are being to your husband

feelinggood_2

virgin_moneysaver wrote: »

yes, you are selfish, & yes you are being unfair -- to your boyfriend! does he realise he's just being used because you *need* this affair - let alone what you are being to your husband

Boyfriend knows the situation, understands my position, and is happy with things as they are. He wishes that we'd met under different circumstances and were both free and single, but he is just happy to have what we have.

poppyscorner

I am at the end of page 2 and think I will post now I'm not going to read the rest of the thread.

I have very recently found out my husband has been cheating on me and not for the first time either. He was married before we met and left his wife and child not for me but very soon before he began to chase me when we got together he said that she had treat him awfully she was horrible to him blah blah blah 3yrs later and after DS1 was born he was off away from me with my best friend (now an ex bf) I believed him when he said it was the biggest mistake of his life he would never do it again he loved me more than anything and was deeply sorry he had hurt me. I took him back we married and had another baby DS2 and now he has done exactly the same thing again proving what kind of man he really is he has left me for someone he went to school with that he has met on facebook and hadnt seen for 17yrs he of course denied this was the reason at first saying he hadnt been happy for a while etc etc.
However now the truth is out he is in love proving that to me leopards never change their spots. Our children are very upset (my eldest is 5yrs old too) the eldest keeps coming looking for me and says he thought I had gone when he finds me he is waiting for me to leave him too and it breaks my heart I have all the questions to face and do my best but when you are hurting too it is so difficult.
Had Inot known about the other woman and he said he wasnt happy or if it was his first other woman I would have given it my all to make my marriage work we havent really changed and I am still the same person and so is he but the difference is when I said my vows on our wedding day I meant them and took them seriously no matter what I would have been commited to our marriage and would never consider cheating he obviously doesn't view them in the same way.

My point is I am a believer in making marriages work and that if people cannot be bothered to put an effort in then they shouldnt get married in the first place and the look on my kids' faces right now is enough to put any thoughts of cheating on anyone out of my mind ever. I think it is pointless me telling you what to do or giving you a lecture on morals because you will do what you want anyway. BUT whatever you do consider the consequences very carefully I would give anything to go back a month or so and get rid of facebook off our computer.

Take care Poppy x