cheating - what now?

bluenose1

poppyscorner wrote: »

IMy point is I am a believer in making marriages work and that if people cannot be bothered to put an effort in then they shouldnt get married in the first place and the look on my kids' faces right now is enough to put any thoughts of cheating on anyone out of my mind ever. I think it is pointless me telling you what to do or giving you a lecture on morals because you will do what you want anyway. BUT whatever you do consider the consequences very carefully I would give anything to go back a month or so and get rid of facebook off our computer.

Take care Poppy x

Poppscorner - just had to say I was so sorry to hear your story. I went through a similar situation with my first husband. There is a lot of devastation around when you split up. Children, close family etc can all be traumatised. I hope it all works out for you in the end.

Lunar_Eclipse

feelinggood wrote: »

Is it really so wrong?

I would say so, yes. Because infidelity causes so much pain to everyone affected and don't most people say it's not worth it? Those affected are usually one's nearest and dearest which is why it is so hard to deal with. In a world that is hard enough ... as you know from your mention of 'only reason to get out of bed sometimes'. (As an aside, maybe you're depressed, or you cannot forgive your husband's cheating?)

I'm surprised by your affair, having been the recipient of a cheating husband. What happened? I'm trying not to be judgemental, so please don't interpret any, because I am genuinely intrigued as to how you have arrived at where you are.

To the OP, you know what you should do. But it's your journey and currently, whilst your husband is blissfully unaware of your actions, you are in the driving seat.

Lunar_Eclipse

SugarSpun wrote: »

I
I've been with my Most Beloved for ten years. We're not in the kind of love any more where our hearts beat faster whenever we see each other, and we've stopped sneaking into toilets on trains or out of parties to have super passionate quickie sex. We don't even have a lot of sex any more, and it's been very difficult a lot of the time. What makes it work is that our relationship is based on a fundamental respect for each other and the sort of love that you can only develop over a long period of time, where you stop always appearing in matching underwear and immaculate makeup. When you realise that that's gone it can be incredibly difficult. I've wanted the thrill of someone new and unknown more than once. But I've never cheated on my partner while we've been together, because I value what we've made.

It comes down to what's worth more to you: security and a serious commitment to working on things that sometimes need maintenance and overhauling, or are you content to bounce from one man to the next and risk having him move on as soon as the spark vanishes again?

Agree with your post completely. Although sometimes I do still feel like jumping him on a train, but we now have two impressionable girls in tow!

I'm 37 and have been with my DH for 18 years this week. :heart2: I love him completely and as time goes on, it would kill me more if he were unfaithful. I could make myself sick just thinking about it to be honest.:o

SugarSpun

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Agree with your post completely. Although sometimes I do still feel like jumping him on a train, but we now have two impressionable girls in tow!

I now have the very grave fear of being arrested. We did once accidentally appear on a terrestrial TV channel [EMAIL="mid-sh@g"]mid-sh@g[/EMAIL], which was entirely humiliating. We were at a festival and had found a dark out of the way place, but a televised procession went within a few metres of us, and I'm so pale I actually glow in the dark.

spacecommander

pantsdr wrote: »

I dont understand why some of the posters insist on softening the blow/fluffing out the pillows for the OP. Everybody from the age of 6 onwards knows about right and wrong, and clearly this is very wrong SIMPLE. she knows what she ought to do, should have done from the start. But yet wants us to say 'there, there it'll all get better, you'l live happily ever after'. AS IF.

There's my advice.

I don't think anyones softening the blow. The way some people have reacted to the OP's post makes you wonder why she hasn't posted again.

I think its easy to say things unless you understand and have been in the same situation, then maybe people may realise that its not as easy as you think when your judgement is clouded by emotion.

Lunar_Eclipse

feelinggood wrote: »

Maybe. I see this as a grey area, and isn't as simple as I'm wrong and evil and my husband is the poor man with no part to play.

Life isn't black and white.

I don't think that we should critise the OP when we don't know the full circumstances.

It's only grey in this instance because your husband has done the same to you.

I agree that it is highly unusual for a happily married person to have an affair and thus the partner usually has some involvement (although they may be unaware of it, often due to communication issues). However, unless the OH is actually doing something wrong (eg abuse), then yes it is as simple as saying one person (the cheater) is in the wrong and the other isn't. Because they haven't done anything wrong of this ilk. Falling out of love with someone or not doing enough to help around the house isn't wrong in the same way as infidelity is! I'm sure you can see that.

sportbeth

Hi all,

Long time no post. As some of you may remember I started a thread like this from the other side of the fence some 8 months ago and this is the first time I've had the balls to come back since!

As it turned out we did make a go of it and got married in November last year. Many people will judge that in a number of ways and give me the doom and gloom future view. But I decided that I was so happy before I found out about it that I deserved the chance to find out if we can be happy again and so I gave it a second chance.

So far so good. Yes I'm still looking over my shoulder, yes there have been arguments and no I'm not completely confident of it not happening again. But I think it's worth a shot.

I think the OP should consider that this affair isn't just down to her and the other man's decision. Affairs like this always come out at some point as either one of them will have a suspicious partner who will start digging for the evidence at some stage. And its the catching out of your partner that hurts more than actually being told upfront and face to face.

Why doesn't the OP and her man just come clean? If they are thinking of leaving their partners at least confess before packing your bags and leaving. If you respect your partner or marriage at all then you should at least tell them about the secret life you have been living this time whilst sleeping with your spouse?

Some might think this is a bit drastic, but there are so many potential outcomes at the moment. Leaving to be together, ending up alone, living a lie forever. The end game is that the affair has happened and nothing will ever go back to being the same without coming clean and the damage is done. Like it or not this is the worst way to be hurt by your partner and it is done, it's there, at least give your partner the chance to decide what they want to do with the information before holding a gun to their head.

pantsdr

spacecommander wrote: »

I think its easy to say things unless you understand and have been in the same situation, then maybe people may realise that its not as easy as you think when your judgement is clouded by emotion.

Whats not easy about telling the person you have loved for the last 14 years and made a commitment to as the OP did, that you dont feel the same about them as you once did BEFORE running off with a married man, who is still sleeping with his wife. Not to mention what she owes to her kids. Never should have been a decision to make.

spacecommander

pantsdr wrote: »

Whats not easy about telling the person you have loved for the last 14 years and made a commitment to as the OP did, that you dont feel the same about them as you once did BEFORE running off with a married man, who is still sleeping with his wife. Not to mention what she owes to her kids. Never should have been a decision to make.

What makes you think its so easy?

pantsdr

spacecommander wrote: »

What makes you think its so easy?

It IS easy. Its as easy as saying NO to that voice in your head (unless you suffer from psychoses). When you're married, fancying someone whether in real life or off the telly should be as far as it goes.

As I said everyone knows right from wrong.