cheating - what now?

spacecommander

pantsdr wrote: »

It IS easy. Its as easy as saying NO to that voice in your head (unless you suffer from psychoses). When you're married, fancying someone whether in real life or off the telly should be as far as it goes.

As I said everyone knows right from wrong.

I'm sorry, but I have to disagree. How can it be easy telling the person you have been with for 14 years that you don't feel the same way about them?

How is that easy?

Lunar_Eclipse

SugarSpun wrote: »

I now have the very grave fear of being arrested. We did once accidentally appear on a terrestrial TV channel mid-sh@g, which was entirely humiliating. We were at a festival and had found a dark out of the way place, but a televised procession went within a few metres of us, and I'm so pale I actually glow in the dark.

:rotfl: :rotfl:

sportbeth

spacecommander wrote: »

I'm sorry, but I have to disagree. How can it be easy telling the person you have been with for 14 years that you don't feel the same way about them?

How is that easy?

A lot easier than telling them you've had an affair and broken their heart

Lunar_Eclipse

pantsdr wrote: »

As I said everyone knows right from wrong.

Well either they don't, or it is more than the knowing that drives peoples' actions. I think there are people who fall into both categories, most into the latter.

pantsdr

I dont want to hijack the thread.
Everyone has their own morals, your either hold one opinion or the other. There is no sitting on the fence with this one.
If after 14 years, you are not in love (and I mean beyond the initial excitement) then you should COMMUNICATE either directly or through relate/intermediaries. Dont just run off with the bloke next door cos 'hes the only one that understands me'.

mymatebob

feedumall wrote: »

not speculation pregnant wife,having a affair with workmates wife ,not a good prospect for happy ever after is it

It may not be a good prospect for happy ever after but it is still only speculation that they would not be happy together.

I hope the OP has managed to make something of all the posts on here and have some idea of what they can do to move the situation forward. It cannot continue as is forever, and as I said in a much earlier post, it is now about who gets hurt, by how much and what compromises need to be made.

loftus

I doubt that the OP has learnt anything she didn't know already.

She doesn't want to hurt her husband but she can't, at the moment, do the one thing that may stop him being hurt.
She's feeling guilty but can't stop doing the thing that makes her feel guilty.
She's been told what she's doing and the way she is doing it is wrong but she already knew that.
The purpose of this post was what? To garner some comfort from the few replies that aren't critical? To make herself feel better by taking a public, if anonymous, slap for her actions? A way of pouring out her thoughts without risking discovery? Probably the first and last but none of what is written here is going to make her change what she is doing right now - only she, or he, can do that.
Meanwhile her husband will go on thinking everything is fine because his wife is making him believe that, his mate at work is making him believe that - little knowing that the chances are his whole world could collapse around him any day.

sportbeth

loftus wrote: »

Meanwhile her husband will go on thinking everything is fine because his wife is making him believe that, his mate at work is making him believe that - little knowing that the chances are his whole world could collapse around him any day.

And you know what? That's the harshest thing. No matter how guilty she says she feels she will not feel the same level of hurt that her husband will. When I found out my husband had his affair all I kept thinking was "well she's OK because she's getting all the kicks and he's ok because he's getting all the kicks. I'm the one hurting and I never even did anything to deserve it". And the damage that this will do to him will be very hard to get rid of.

lindsaygalaxy

I think this is a very sad thread, and the only people I feel sorry for are the two people that know nothing about what is really happening.

From what I can see the OP should be disgusted with herself. If she is not happy in her marriage, then she should end it, not mix herself up in another families issues.

The man she is having an affair with wife is pregnant! Yet she still sleeps with him! I think that is an awful thing to do with someone and she needs to get some control of herself and stop this immediately. Is this the kind of person she wants to become?

She has children herself under 5, if she cares about them more than this man, then she would not put them through the heartbreak that she is.

Im sorry if these seem strong harsh words, but if you have ever been on the recieving end of a cheater then you understand.

My advice, sort yourself out and stop having it off with someone else cause your not happy in a marriage. If somethign awful happened like his wife found out and lost the baby due to stress you would never forgive yourself.

feelinggood_2

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

I would say so, yes. Because infidelity causes so much pain to everyone affected and don't most people say it's not worth it? Those affected are usually one's nearest and dearest which is why it is so hard to deal with. In a world that is hard enough ... as you know from your mention of 'only reason to get out of bed sometimes'. (As an aside, maybe you're depressed, or you cannot forgive your husband's cheating?)

I'm surprised by your affair, having been the recipient of a cheating husband. What happened? I'm trying not to be judgemental, so please don't interpret any, because I am genuinely intrigued as to how you have arrived at where you are.

I've not read the rest of the thread, just wanted to answer a question asked.

How did I end up having an affair? The relationship with my husband is very complicated. We started 'going out' when I was 14 and he was 27. I was sexually abused as a kid, and didn't have a clue about healthy relationships. OH is a decent man, but wasn't prepared for the ups and downs of a young and emotionally unstable girlfriend. We had a bit of a shared encounter with another woman, which left him feeling hurt (turns out she wanted me and only me) and so he had a retalitory affair. He kept it secret for over a year, and then brought it up to hurt me. I forgave him. The deception hurt, I remember all the lies and times when he was missing. Following the hurt, I managed to stay faithful until we married. After 10 months or so of marriage, we moved 250 miles away. I was lonely (but in denial - didn't want to admit I 'needed' people) I started looking for 'something'. A lot of tears later, we sat down and worked things out. No more cheating for a while, until we decided to have a bit of 'fun' seperately. With OHs consent, met 'the other guy'. Both married, we discussed it and agreed that it was just a bit of fun - no emotion. Little did we know we'd fall for each other. And thats how I ended up in this big mess