cheating - what now?

something_girl

having affairs just completely destroys your head and it takes years to get over it. The amount of destruction that can be done by having illicit relationships is insurmountable and I've yet to see one that can go on to be a healthy long term thing. It will ruin your self worth, self esteem, confidence and integrity, you will become paranoid, secretive, untrustworthy and basically ruin your own mental health, as well as all others involved, both children and adults.

That's about it really!

moneysaver12

I have a friend who was cheated on for a year, all the timeo he was cheating he was trying for a baby with her, they had one child already, thankfully she didn't get pregant and now is much better off without him. If this man loves you why did he get his wife pregant, what about your children and his children. Your husband and his wife deserve so much better. End it with this man and either try and work on your marriage or leave your husband to find someone who treats him better and who has more respect for him.

To me if you care about someone you would never want to hurt them, so i don't understand affairs. I think that if you are that unhappy and thinking about having affair then you should leave the person you are with, before you cause them even more pain.

melancholly

it's kind of odd in a way, that when people have built up staggering debt and hid it from their partners, that people are a lot more supportive. it is still a form of betrayal and the consquences (financially, trust issues etc) are huge. i know an affair is different, but when you get down to it, not by all that much...... it's still about sneaking around doing things behind someone's back and refusing to face up to the problem.

i'm lucky, i can't imagine having an affair because my OH is wonderful (for me anyway!). but it happens...... a lot. telling someone they're just worthless because of it just does nothing apart from making the person saying it feel smug.

this situation is a nightmare and it sounds like the OP needs to break it down (as other people have suggested). there is also a strong possibility that the man will tell her husband if she ends the affair, just out of spite, and that's something worth thinking about. if her husband is going to find out, it should be from her and not from anyone else.

this situation is clearly not great - but shouting about how 'wrong' her behaviour is doesn't do anything to help move it forward. she can't go back in time and stop the affair from happening!

how about a bit more advice and a few less insults? advice doesn't always have to be sugar coated and i'm not suggesting that at all, but there are posts on here that i am ashamed to see on MSE.

SugarSpun

feelinggood wrote: »

However, I am desperately unhappy, and 'the other guy' gives me something to live for.

Counselling would probably be more beneficial to you than an affair in the long term, if you feel up to going. It's easy to pin your hopes on a person or a specific event if you're unhappy, but it's artificial - that person can't give you everything you need.

I hope it all ends well for you.

feelinggood_2

SugarSpun wrote: »

Counselling would probably be more beneficial to you than an affair in the long term, if you feel up to going. It's easy to pin your hopes on a person or a specific event if you're unhappy, but it's artificial - that person can't give you everything you need.

I hope it all ends well for you.

'Help' all takes time, and the Mental Health Services in my area are desperately underfunded. I know I'm using this relationship as a crutch, but thats better than the alternative isn't it?

mymatebob

something_girl wrote: »

having affairs just completely destroys your head and it takes years to get over it. The amount of destruction that can be done by having illicit relationships is insurmountable and I've yet to see one that can go on to be a healthy long term thing. It will ruin your self worth, self esteem, confidence and integrity, you will become paranoid, secretive, untrustworthy and basically ruin your own mental health, as well as all others involved, both children and adults.

That's about it really!

It may do the above and it may not

I have neighbours whose previous marriages broke up over their affair. They have just celebrated 25 years of married life and have a lovely family.

(Just wanted to give another view there)

something_girl

mymatebob wrote: »

It may do the above and it may not

I have neighbours whose previous marriages broke up over their affair. They have just celebrated 25 years of married life and have a lovely family.

(Just wanted to give another view there)

well there's always exceptions of course, I wonder are their previous families as happy as them though? I doubt, that if the guys previous wife was pregnant when he was having an affair, that all concerned would be so happy.

It's easy to just 'go out of your mind' when an affair starts up and to blank out the possible destruction all around you and just live for the moment. The excitement of a new relationship, especially one that has to be kept secret is just tantalising, all those secret text messages and emails, it's mindblowing.

SugarSpun

feelinggood wrote: »

'Help' all takes time, and the Mental Health Services in my area are desperately underfunded. I know I'm using this relationship as a crutch, but thats better than the alternative isn't it?

That depends on what you think the alternative is. Have you spoken to your GP? An affair is, in context, a sign of self destructive behaviour and should be taken seriously because of it. At least make an appointment and have yourself referred to a counsellor. Even if it takes time, you'll be taking a positive step towards making yourself feel better and that can only be a good thing.

mymatebob

something_girl wrote: »

well there's always exceptions of course, I wonder are their previous families as happy as them though? I doubt, that if the guys previous wife was pregnant when he was having an affair, that all concerned would be so happy.

It's easy to just 'go out of your mind' when an affair starts up and to blank out the possible destruction all around you and just live for the moment. The excitement of a new relationship, especially one that has to be kept secret is just tantalising, all those secret text messages and emails, it's mindblowing.

I cannot speculate on how happy anyone is although I do know the guys ex- wife remarried and had one child.

I was only trying to point out that not everyone goes off the rails because they have been affected by an affair.

pantsdr

melancholly wrote: »

how about a bit more advice and a few less insults? advice doesn't always have to be sugar coated and i'm not suggesting that at all, but there are posts on here that i am ashamed to see on MSE.

When it comes to head over heart issues, no amount of advice will suade a person, ultimately they do what they want.