cheating - what now?

feelinggood_2

SugarSpun wrote: »

That depends on what you think the alternative is. Have you spoken to your GP? An affair is, in context, a sign of self destructive behaviour and should be taken seriously because of it. At least make an appointment and have yourself referred to a counsellor. Even if it takes time, you'll be taking a positive step towards making yourself feel better and that can only be a good thing.

I'm under the care of my local Community Mental Health Team. I'm practically begging for help, and gratefully accepting anything they've got to offer. These things take time, and until I'm a bit stronger, I *need* this affair. Am I still a selfish, evil woman? Am I still totally wrong?

And the alternative is pretty bad. It was 'the other guy' who persauded me to go to hospital after my last overdose.

something_girl

yeh I guess it depends on personalities. The thought of someone I was in love with, going back to their wife and sleeping with her, sharing his life with her etc etc would drive me insane, others may be able to cope with that fine.

Glen0000

feelinggood wrote: »

I'm under the care of my local Community Mental Health Team. I'm practically begging for help, and gratefully accepting anything they've got to offer. These things take time, and until I'm a bit stronger, I *need* this affair. Am I still a selfish, evil woman? Am I still totally wrong?

And the alternative is pretty bad. It was 'the other guy' who persauded me to go to hospital after my last overdose.

You "need" the affair like an alcoholic needs drink.

feelinggood_2

Glen0000 wrote: »

I am sorry, but your last comment angers me. If someone really wants to kill themselves, they will do it. I think you are using your mental illness as an excuse. If someone is REALLY suicidal, even the perfect home, wife, job will not save them.

I think your affair is causing you more harm than good. My wife was depressed at the time of her affair and sees now it was just a symptom. I wish you the best of luck, but please do not see this guy as some hero. He is human, like the rest of us.

You "need" the affair like an alcoholic needs drink.

Absolutely. And I *needed* every last drink.

And I don't want to kill myself. I just get a hopeless feeling sometimes, and do things out of desperation. I worded it badly above.

The affair probably is a symptom. It came about because of my need to talk to someone, and developed into something more. This guy is only human, but he makes an effort to help me. Even if he is just a symptom, or a crutch, he is something that I need.

emmy05

im wondering if hes there because youre making him feel guilty if he leaves.

feelinggood_2

emmy05 wrote: »

im wondering if hes there because youre making him feel guilty if he leaves.

Was that to me?

SugarSpun

feelinggood wrote: »

I'm under the care of my local Community Mental Health Team. I'm practically begging for help, and gratefully accepting anything they've got to offer. These things take time, and until I'm a bit stronger, I *need* this affair. Am I still a selfish, evil woman? Am I still totally wrong?

And the alternative is pretty bad. It was 'the other guy' who persauded me to go to hospital after my last overdose.

I don't think you're evil or selfish, and I'm sorry if you think I do. It wasn't my intention to judge you - and it wouldn't be my place anyway. I think you need more solid help than you're getting, and using someone else as a crutch isn't a stable foundation for you.

Do you feel you can talk to your husband about your unhappiness? Not about the affair, I don't think you should make a dramatic confession - or any confession - but about the way you feel. A husband, or a wife, is the person who's supposed to be there for you, but they can only do it if they know there's a problem and you share it with them.

My partner suffers intermittent depression, and sometimes it's been severe. I can only imagine how it feels, I know it's f'ng awful to watch and to feel helpless to do anything. But part of the job of a spouse is to help you when things are rotten. Do you feel like you can try to get your husband to help you? If you want your marriage to work, you have to feel like a team.

shellsuit

feelinggood wrote: »

Absolutely. And I *needed* ever last drink.

And I don't want to kill myself. I just get a hopeless feeling sometimes, and do things out of desperation. I worded it badly above.

The affair probably is a symptom. It came about because of my need to talk to someone, and developed into something more. This guy is only human, but he makes an effort to help me. Even if he is just a symptom, or a crutch, he is something that I need.

Feely, can't you talk to your husband about your health problems?

Do you know what your hubby would do if he knew you were having an affair? (I mean would he forgive you, go off his head etc..)

What would happen if this other guy went off the scene, could you deal with that?

feelinggood_2

SugarSpun wrote: »

I don't think you're evil or selfish, and I'm sorry if you think I do. It wasn't my intention to judge you - and it wouldn't be my place anyway. I think you need more solid help than you're getting, and using someone else as a crutch isn't a stable foundation for you.

Do you feel you can talk to your husband about your unhappiness? Not about the affair, I don't think you should make a dramatic confession - or any confession - but about the way you feel. A husband, or a wife, is the person who's supposed to be there for you, but they can only do it if they know there's a problem and you share it with them.

My partner suffers intermittent depression, and sometimes it's been severe. I can only imagine how it feels, I know it's f'ng awful to watch and to feel helpless to do anything. But part of the job of a spouse is to help you when things are rotten. Do you feel like you can try to get your husband to help you? If you want your marriage to work, you have to feel like a team.

My husband struggles to cope with me being ill. He has never suffered from depression, so he doesn't understand how I can't just go and get a job and stop feeling sorry for myself. He is full of good intentions, and he means well, but he really doesn't understand, and usually ends up making me feel worse. I feel like a failure and a pathetic mess because I can't do the things he thinks would help.

feelinggood_2

shellsuit wrote: »

Feely, can't you talk to your husband about your health problems?

Do you know what your hubby would do if he knew you were having an affair? (I mean would he forgive you, go off his head etc..)

I've cheated in the past, and have been forgiven. I've never had such a 'serious' affair before.

I don't know how he'd react really. I've got no idea.

I try and talk to him about my depression and stuff, but we just end up rowing.