My hubby just walked out on me.

judy2357

Dont rush into anything. Take a step back just to think. Try and keep the uni thing going. Hugs all around things wont seem so bad in a while.

MRS_TO_BE_2

From reading your posts I admire how well you are doing. In the long run you will be much better off without him and the children will be happier with a happy mummy! Ignore the mother in law..don't you just love how their little boys are never in the wrong!!

ceebeeby

Hi Poppy,

Starting with ((hugs)).

You're so very brave, and should be so proud of how maturely you're behaving, especially with regards to your children. I have been there (many many years ago now) and yes, it's so normal to do the love / hate thing ... during the hate times my best advice is to really immerse yourself in something absorbing with other people that you know will cheer you up. During the love times, really immerse yourself in something by yourself (I always cried more during the love times)!!!

You're obviously a really caring person, going into nursing - stay strong, you've got a fab future ahead of you!!!

rizla01

Hi Poppy,

Poor lass.

Just had to say that I was so moved by your situation. All that and you are still so young. You have coped very well and should be so proud of your self. If you were my daughter I WOULD be proud.

My feeling about this toad, is that what you are seeing now is, in the main, the REAL person and that the person you loved is the person that he was before letting his guard down - NOT the other way round.

Anyhow, get fit & trim at the Gym (That'll boost your phsyche) and get noticed by some lucky chap and you will not look back.

Re the finances - Go to CB and get advice on legal letters that need to be sent to him. Most CB's have a solicitor on hand and he/she will advise but situations like car, Maintainance, Etc need to be put in writing with a 14 day term for compliance imposed. Just to make sure that he doesn't wriggle out of his responsibilities.

Go forward, girl and don't look back. You're OK.

Have a sloppy one from me.
(Well perhaps not)

stefejb

PoppyOscar - hugs to you - the tax credit people will also want to know the registration number of the nursery so get that off them too - I think it's called a PNU number or something like that.

misty

Glad you're feeling more in charge and more positive. I think having children kind of forces you to pretend things are ok and eventually they are and you're not pretending anymore.

It's great you have friends and family to support you - and you will be able to have well deserved break from uni for a few weeks.

You sound quite determind - and well done in tackling him about your concerns - I like the way he says you will discuss money - that's what you were doing wasn't it?

I think it is entirely normal to miss someone and love them as well despise them. I know when I split from my ex - I did miss him at times - however it onlyusually took a few mins with him to remember that actually he !!!!!! me right off!

Good luck for the future

yoni_one

(Poppy)

I just read this thread through and felt compelled to reach out to you in compassion and praise.

I am so sorry you are going through this, yet it seems you started feeling better about things once you started taking back some control. Well done on managing it at this early stage, I hope your strength continues but please allow yourself moments of ARAGHHHHHHHHness.

It is perfectly reasonable to continue to love the good side of your ex that had you fall for him in the first place, it is equally reasonable for you to hate some of his behaviours, particularly the betrayal and lack of him placing any value on your needs and views.

As you have learned, you cannot change his behaviour but what you can do is decide what your own boundaries are and tell him your terms that you expect to continue under in the now (as opposed to waiting for him to tell you how it will be). And always remember, unless there is considerably more to this that you have yet to discover, it is he who at this time is willing to trash his family and the marriage so he can continue in his hobby.

As for MIL, if your relationship with her was already on the rocky side then odds are she will place blame with you no matter what, however you don't really know the full story he is giving her. Either way, if you are hell bent on trying to make her understand it from your side then in reality the only one you will hurt in your efforts is you. You are going to need your energy for more important things than her so please don't spend it that way.

It will be difficult but try and not give her more credit or importance in your own forward planning than she deserves.

It's great you have a lot of support from friends and family, and even better that you are already on the way to improving your earning potential through education.

I hope your partner works with you to provide ultimately what is best for the children, but if he drags his feet and they are suffering as a result then you might need to suggest taking it to an objective third party pretty sharpish.

Best wishes to you.

Loretta

It is hard for us to give anything but practical advice, your feelings are involved and that is something only you can work out.

But whether you stay seperated or you do get back together you just have to be able to look after yourself and the children, as you are doing. He will not change, people don't really. You need to be in a position where you can manage financially without relying on him, so you must finish your course, that is so important, and arrange your childcare and other practical arrangements so that they don't depend on him. You will get more and more confident as you go along, you are already managing everything brilliantly. You will then, over time, wonder why you are bothering with him at all if all he does is causes more work, worry and inconvenience for you.

I have 2 grown up children, his age, and one nearly grown up. I know that the best thing for my children is to be in a solid relationship and especially when they have children the best thing for them, if possible, is to stay put and try and put things right. If my son turned up at my house at 3,ooam because he had had a row he would be sent straight back home.

When your children are small and you are both working you do not have any free time or money, every waking moment is spent trying to fit everything in and then after a while it gets better. He is only doing what any husband and father should be doing by getting the children ready in the morning etc. He can't just do it when he feels like it and he is not just 'helping you' he is doing what he should be doing.

Perhaps when he is on his 5th marriage his mother may start to wonder!

All the signs are there, he has left, walked away from his responsibilities as soon as he can't get his own way and 'mummy' has encouraged him. As you say he is staying with his mother, I bet she isn't charging him anything or not a proper amount and he still hasn't quite worked out that he still has financial responsibilities with you, he hasn't yet decided if he is going to pay for the car he is using! it didn't take long did it?

Most mothers would want the best for their grandchildren, and the best is 2 parents staying together, having 2 grown up parents not just one grown up one. Your parents have stepped in and helped, really helped look what your mother has done, if his mother thinks her poor baby is doing too much has she stepped in to help? has she offered to babysit so that the 2 of you can spend time together hoping your family will stay together? If she thinks you should stay at home, I am not suggesting you do for one minute, has she offered financial help? or has she sat on her backside giving her opinion

Whether you take him back or you don't you will always have to support yourself and your children yourself, you know that don't you, if he pays anything it must be treated as extra, you won't be able to rely on him.

It would be interesting to know if mummy was like this when he previous relationship broke down, was she the same? If she was nothing is going to change now. Will she get fed up with him living with her, she hasn't really got the room has she? Can she afford to keep him because he doesn't seem to understand about paying his way. You must be very careful in a few weeks time when she decides she doesn't want him there any more, and is bored with her interfering and finds something else to interfere with, he may say he has thought about it and realises he loves you etc moves back in and starts all over again.

You seem to have sorted yourself out really well and it is very early days too, don't let this become a pattern, think very hard about considering taking him back, think hard about why it would be a good thing. You now know that he can walk out whenever he feels like it because he can go running back to mummy. Don't worry about his 'depression' you are too busy, he has been at his mother's for a while pehaps she could deal with this side of things she seems to have plenty of spare time. He would be cross that he has discussed things with her, disloyal, especially as he must know that you don't get on that well and she really hasn't got the interests of you and your children at heart.

I am rambling I know. You are doing well, just think carefully whether you have time and energy for a 3rd child at the moment or whether, in the future you would like to share you life with an adult.

CB1979_2

i reckon he's going up to scotland to see this other woman, see how it goes and then you'll get the real decision if he'll be wanting to come back!

*Louise*

CB1979 wrote: »

i reckon he's going up to scotland to see this other woman, see how it goes and then you'll get the real decision if he'll be wanting to come back!

^I'm inclined to think that as well.

Do you know if he is still going to the concert Poppyscorner??

I'm guessing the MIL doesn't know about her precious son's little facebook contact. If she does, and thinks he should be allowed to continue like that, then she's not worth another second of your time.


If possible, try and stick with the uni course...it may take a while to sort out the mess he las left you in, but hold your head up and show him that you don't need a 32yo child who can't see how lucky he is..