My hubby just walked out on me.

moocat

He doesn't deserve you anyway!

If he does not know if he wants to be with you, then he is not even worth your time of day (been here, done that before, Learnt to be a much stronger person from it all!!)

Be strong for you and your little ones, it will be hard at first but YOU will end up on top in all of this, you will end up being the strong one so don't be fooled by him anymore - he will not change.

Big hugs & kind thoughts to you X

elona

I would be tempted to tell MIL that as this is his second relationship in trouble then that says a lot more about him than it does about you.

I also think he is jealous that the world is not revolving around him and if you let yourself be talked out of university it would only be a matter of time before he resented someone or something else for taking your attention.

Sounds as if he is in a massive sulk and his mother really should have snapped him out of this behaviour before she unleashed the idiot on other women!

Courgette

Poor you, I really feel for you. I split with my ex when DS was 16 weeks old. I left him as he was such a w@nker but that doesn't mean it's not a really difficult time.

At the moment everything seems really complicated and as though loads of decisions need making immediately. They don't. Even a week from now you'll feel more level headed and able to cope.

Why not see if you can get away for a few days. Could you go to your mum's for example? Go somewhere where you feel supported. Tell your ex you're going away - this is a courtesy and not you asking permission.

As for uni, I went to Uni when DS was 18 months old. It was the best thing I've ever done. I really grew as a person, developed so much confidence in myself and saw my horizons expand, not simply in terms of job prospects. I know the money side of things can put you off but I actually came out of uni with no debts (or at least the student loan I took out is sat in my bank account earning more interest than is being charged on it).

Eat cake, drink tea and focus on what's best for you and your kids. He's messed up big time, he needs to sort himself out and prove his worth. Don't you go chasing him (a lot easier said than done, I know).

Big hugs

Courgette

melancholly

no idea what i could possibly say to help, other than i'm so sorry......

if the evil MIL rings again then just refuse to speak to her. she should not be interfering in the relationship like that. she's from a different generation and it's very sad that she sees wives in the 'women, know your place' role from harry enfield.

do you have family/friends that could come stay with you for a couple of days? sounds like you need some reasonable adult company (i.e. not him or his mother!).

just stay strong, hun. thinking of you

BLUis

Hi

I just want to let you know that if you do decide to split up, things aren’t always as bad as they seem. I found out my ex husband was having an affair whilst he was working away in London (she was 10 years younger than me). I had just started a full time college course (with his blessing) so I wasn’t earning anything. He ‘supported’ me by buying gas/electric/food at the weekends when he came home, but I never had any extra money, other than what my daughter might need at school that week (she was only 5) and that I had to practically beg for most times!!

Anyway, I found out he was having this affair and to be honest, it was the straw that broke the camels back. We hadn’t been getting on for a while, he had previously hit me (stupidly I took him back because I didn’t think I could cope without him), but this was my ‘get out of jail free’ card. Something gave me the strength to pack his bags and kick him out. I didn’t know how I was going to cope with my daughter being at school and me going to college full time as the hours were slightly different and I didn’t know what I was going to do about money, but I knew that whatever happened my life would be better without him in it.

So, the next day, I went to the social security offices and sorted out what I was entitled to in the way of benefits (I lived in a rented house at the time) and everything else. I got grants to help me buy stuff for college and although it was a struggle at times, I made it.

I got a job straight from collegem, where i still am following 2 promotions, and although my life since hasn’t been perfect, I now have a partner who I adore (and thankfully he feels the same about me!) we are hoping to buy a house soon (that is a whole other story!!!! Lol) and I am really really happy.

So, although our stories aren’t quite the same as you still love your husband, I just wanted you to know that however bad it seems at the moment, it will get better.

I really hope you are able to do your degree course, it will give you something other than your children to keep your mind occupied.

All the best for the future. Let us know how you get on!

frugallass

Hi Poppy

He's obviously found it easy to talk to his mum and it's a shame he couldn't open up to you too.

The problem is that his mum is obviously only hearing 'his side of the story' and will have formed an immediate opinion of you and her natural reaction is to protect her son - what was your reaction to her when she came out with all that?

If he is depressed he needs to seek professional help. Some people don't even recognise depression even if it bit them on the bum and said "hi". So if you two do manage to talk, try to get him to open up about his feelings - but don't force the issue. Depression can present itself in various forms and it's not always easy to admit that you have a problem either.

Could there be anything else affecting him? Is work slowing down at all - maybe he's worried about finances.

If I were in your shoes I would tell the little ones that daddy has had to go to grandmas for a little while and if they ask why, I'd just say that grandma is poorly and needs to be looked after for a little while (but remember to tell hubby what you told the little ones).

I wouldn't worry too much about being a 'single mum' just yet - seems like you guys have a lot of talking to do. Carry on with uni - don't give up.

Be strong and let us know how you get on.

demo

My heart goes out to you poppy ....
I myself am going through a separation after 19 yrs and three children later...but thats another story.. I know it seems like money worries are the last thing to be bothering about right now but it is the right thing to do so you are not depending on your 'ex' to provide for you. I am a Welfare & Debt adviser and have been for many yrs so I could give you specific advice if you wanna talk. If you have outstanding 'debts' you need advice as soon as possible if there is a C.A.B or an advice centre near you they can help with so many of your problems. Deal with the practicalites as priority, then you can deal with the emotions of what you are going through.

You can claim Child Tax Credits (if not already doing so) and apply for your 25% discount of Council Tax if your hubby has left the household you need a check of your income to see if you may be eligable for any other benefits. If you are at Uni now so you can apply to be 'exempt' from paying Council Tax. Sure start is a good organisation to join for you & your children they can offer your free child care in special circumstances.
Hope some of the advice is useful take care xx
Lynne

lhd4

is he recieving any treatment for depression? You say he needs to be motivated by you to do the smallest thing for himself. It sounds like he needs help. Im recovering from pnd and my husband had to listen to how i wanteda divorce that i didn't want the children etc. Thankfully he understood and stood by me.

poppyscorner

Hi all,

Just wanted to say a great big thank u to u all and also give a bit of an update as to how things are going.

We are still split up and I think I am 90 % certain I want to keep it that way and if I am honest I think things have been a bit off for a while generally due to this facebook thing and that enough time wasnt spent on each other and I havent felt special, attractive or wanted for a while.

The 10% is when I am finding it hard and just want him here with me usually when all goes quiet at night when the kids are upset or DS1 is asking questions which I try my best to answer but do find really difficult.

I have had loads of support at home from friends and my parents have been great. I have decided to continue with my nurse training and as this was my last placement week I went in yesterday, today and am in tomorrow to get my hours in and get my stuff signed off and I am really glad I did that mum and dad have given me their support 100 % mum sorted with her boss that she could take the kids to school and nursery DS2 has now got full time nursery place and DS1 is at school full time and has got a place in after school club too.

Ex has been down to see the kids he was here on Wednesday and I left the kids with him while I went to slimming club and he is having them tomorrow aswell while I am at work I am trying to keep things amicable for the sake of the children but I am still really angry with him, and I am furious with his mum for the way she has spoken to me and the way she is portraying me and twisting everything so its all my fault.

I could barely look at him when he was here the other day so instead I watched the TV and tried to shut him out but still act normal with the kids trying to look engrossed in the TV and that was hard especially when mickey mouse clubhouse was what was on ! I felt that if I entered into conversation with him it would only end in a row and as that was good for no one I kept my mouth shut.

I did ask about maintainance that day aswell and he said he didnt know it depends on what he earns I told him I couldnt feed and clothe the kids with depends and I need a fixed regular amount towards them and as he is currently living with his mum he cant be short of cash he said we will discuss it.

I then went a step further and wrote down exactly how I felt about things, what I had said to the children and I told him I had not and would never bad mouth him in front of the kids and expected that whatever he and his mother think about me they keep it to themselves when he has the children I said that I wanted him to have access to the kids as much as possible and suggested one night through the week for tea and one full weekend day and when he eventually moves out of his mums he can have overnight stays but that won't happen for a while and they cant stay at his mothers because there is nowhere for them to sleep.

I told him I was extremely concerned about finances and wished to get them sorted ASAP not just maintainance but bank accounts and I need his name off the tenancy agreement too. The only debt between us is the car for which I have paid for out of my wages since we got it and he has now got I have asked him to pay for this since it is of no use to me and he is yet to give me an answer.

I feel much better today than I have so far but I know its early days yet.

Amazingly this hasn't put me off for life and I think that one day I would maybe like to meet someone else but thats way off at the moment. I am still expecting that he will try and come back home at some point and that will be the real test. He is straight out drinking tonight I know because I rang to make sure he was clear about the time to pick the kids up tomorrow and I said if he is out he better not be getting drunk and planning on picking kids up when hungover he said he wont but I will be chacking in the morning before they leave.

I am yet to sort out tax credits because I need nursery to tell me how much childcare is first before I update it but its on the to do list.

I think I have covered everything can anyone think of anything else ??

And can I ask those of you who have been where I am now is it normal to switch between loving and hating them really quickly and then back the other way ??

Thanks again
Poppy x

Edited to add : Have also sorted council tax out I don't have to pay any as a single student and in response to the depression thing he has never received treatment for depression because he has never admitted there is any problem there according to him he has never been depressed but has no explaination for his actions he is the type of man who does not do Dr's unless really physically ill and doesnt see mental illness as illness at all.

jay11_2

Thanks for the update Poppyscorner, you seem to be sorting your head out, ((((Big Hugs)))) hun.