My hubby just walked out on me.

glitterycloud

Hi i did'nt want to read and run, bug hugs to you
my ex h walked out on me on boxing day 4 years ago saying he didnt feel the same way anymore and promtly walked to his mistresses house to stay there!
Its hard at the beginning and it all looks scary and stressful - take your time to decide what you are going to do, rash decisions can cause further heartache in the long run.

Good luck and it will turn out ok

misty

A few things occurred to me - 1) he could be suffering from some level of depression. This doesn't excuse his behaviour - and he is behaving like this because he is depressed or is he a selfish prat who is too gutless to say how he really feels and therefore sulks around in his dressing gown making himself depressed so YOU are forced to do something.

2) You are at Uni and are bettering your opportunities and he feels threatened by this despite originally being supportive. Stats show lots of relationships break down when one of the partners goes into full time education.

There are lots of reasons for this - partner feels threatened/jealous etc or wanting to go into study is often a symptom of general dissatisfaction and wanting to make changes and therefore the problems (despite what the other partner says) are quickened up and things break down quicker than they may have done.

He sees you are making changes and going to Uni is a courageous - stepping out of your comfort zone thing to do and he feels threatened by it. It's far easier to do nothing and you have threatened the status quo. He may be unconsciously (or consciously!!!) being trying to upset things and make you leave by his strop.

3) There's nothing generally wrong with social networking sites UNLESS they take over from your real life. Going to a concert with an old mate is one thing, trying to go back and recreate your youth is another.

4) His mother - wants to shut up and back off. The fact he has either run to his mother or she has taken it upon herself to shove her nose in indicates that he is still not able to be a man.

My feeling is this will be a pattern of behaviour that he will repeat over and over unless YOU stop it. People use patterns of behaviour that work for them and obviously this has always worked for him.

The only thing I could suggest is that you stop reacting to his behaviour - what I mean is - he does something and you respond, he does something and you respond and all the time - he has you jumping to his tune. If you can regain some control - not over him - but over what you do - ie arrange childcare, go into Uni- even if you can't face it initially - you will start to feel less that you are waiting in limbo for him to make decision and stick to it.

I feel if you get on with things and don't buy into his behaviour, he will change his tune and want to come back - it's then up to you if you want to have him or not.

poppyscorner

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has replied to me. I just feel lost at the minute he is still on facebook even though it has wrecked our marriage he has an answer for everything I say to him and I just knew that his family would try to blame me of course they are only going off what he tells them but his mother and I have never really been the best of friends anyway.

I wish I hated him, I hate what he has done to us for the sake of a fling on facebook I asked him today if he wanted to try and work through and said he would have to get rid of it but his answer was I like talking to people so he picked that over us in my eyes and still I know I love him because if I didn't it would hurt.

I am considering taking the kids away for a few days because I just feel like he is taking the mick out of me and laughing about it he is sat there at his mums house now on facebook totally carefree while I am left to pick up his mess down here, but I don't know whether thats a good idea or not.

I don't know how to handle contact either I don't want to stop the boys from seeing their dad as it would not be good for them but do I let him see them here or take them away and how often should he see them they cant stay over as his mother lives in a 1 bed bungalow and he is on a zed bed in the dining room.

Its all such a big mess !!

Mips

poppyscorner wrote: »

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has replied to me. I just feel lost at the minute he is still on facebook even though it has wrecked our marriage he has an answer for everything I say to him and I just knew that his family would try to blame me of course they are only going off what he tells them but his mother and I have never really been the best of friends anyway.

I wish I hated him, I hate what he has done to us for the sake of a fling on facebook I asked him today if he wanted to try and work through and said he would have to get rid of it but his answer was I like talking to people so he picked that over us in my eyes and still I know I love him because if I didn't it would hurt.

I am considering taking the kids away for a few days because I just feel like he is taking the mick out of me and laughing about it he is sat there at his mums house now on facebook totally carefree while I am left to pick up his mess down here, but I don't know whether thats a good idea or not.

I don't know how to handle contact either I don't want to stop the boys from seeing their dad as it would not be good for them but do I let him see them here or take them away and how often should he see them they cant stay over as his mother lives in a 1 bed bungalow and he is on a zed bed in the dining room.

Its all such a big mess !!

The Grass always looks greener on the other side.

Let him get on with it - you may just find the strength within yourself to make a clean break and find that you can cope very well without him.

I agree with you taking the little ones away for a few days, I wouldn't even tell him.

jay11_2

Sleeping on a zed-bed can't be too comfy, give it time and he and his mum may just come to their senses.

It's hard when you love someone, (((HUGS))). If you can, try to concentrate on your course, children and so on. Don't keep asking if he wants to work it out--thats like saying 'I'm here, do what you like as long as you stay with me'. You need to show him that you expect respect and won't be walked over. Time for him to come begging to you--he's in the wrong and it's time he took that on board and developed a conscience.

I think it would be a great idea to go away for a bit, and would give you distance and thinking time. Do be careful about 'not telling him', you don't want to get into a battle of one-upmanship, or who will do the next mean thing. Not fair on the kids either, don't drag yourself down to his level--stay dignified.

I wouldn't worry about contact yet--he can always take them out, or to his mums for an hour at first, whatever feels OK. Cross that bridge when you get to it.

Good luck xx Jay

RedBern

I would try & keep on with uni if at all poss - it will greatly increase your earning ability at a later date.

Agree with this - term almost over - speak to your counsellor at uni and explain the position. If you've any more assignments to do, get an extension. Similarly if you've got exams make sure uni know your current position so they can take it into account.
You'll then have 10/12 weeks to sort the reest of the stuff out... good luck.

luvvlyjubbly

Doesn't it make yer sick!.....Instead of talking things over, they go running back to mummy......who should know better.
i swear when my boys get older i won't let them come back telling tales like a baby...I'll tell them to get straight back home and act like a man!

Sorry, thats not really an answer...but i can clearly see he'as a muumys boy.

Gangstabird

Sorry you are going through this Poppy. This man is a proper wally. He will lose you because nobody who is supposedly 'loved' should ever go through this time of insecurity and betrayal. You love him & your children; would you ever do something so bloody awful. I know the answer is no.

I would not treat someone whom I professed to 'love' like this either. It is very much his loss. Be strong. There are plenty of people in the world who wouldn't dream of treating their precious relationships like this.

XX

Emmy_L

DONT give up uni!
Get an appointment with your main point of contact at the uni and see what steps they can take to help you.
Call the student loan place,tell them whats going on and see if they can help money wise...as a single parent student,I got extra on top of my loan,which was for having a child,that didnt need to be paid back.They wil help you in the right direction.
Call DSS...you may not be entitled to an awful lot,i wasnt until the October after I left uni because I had a student loan,but they will give you lots of info too.
Sort out CTC and tell them your change in position.
and for goodness sakes...
DO NOT LISTEN TO MIL.
If she calls again,tell her politely that she is entitled to her opinion,no matter how wrong it may be and that you are not going to discuss the situation with her
~hugs~ for what you are going through

fraz_babe

Personally if i was you, i would take things slowly. It may work out in the end, it may not. Do you have more then one computer in your house? If so if you do get back with him, maybe you could have like a parental thing on - to see what hes doing and what websites he is going on. Im not really sure how they work, but it may be useful. He may realise what a silly thing he has gone and done, left his wife and two children. And come back running in a few days. I have been in your position before - but just a boyfriend. You still love them, even though they have hurt you. If possible i would try to have at least contact as possible, but keep it mutual between you two. And maybe your parents or a relative you can trust could take your children to him, or they could stay in your house while he looks after the children. It sounds like you could do with a good day or two on your own to clear your thoughts etc.

I know you love him of course, but i dont mean to sound rude or offend you. But i would think seriously. 8 years is quite a long time (im sure its 8 years anyway you have been together sorry if i remember wrongly). But do you think he will do it in the future? Has he been like this in the past ? You could also try maybe in a week or so - take your boys on a family day out to the park, or the zoo. The four of you. See how you get on, see how he acts with you with no internet to go on facebook. Its such a shame to think websites like that can actually ruin relationships. I really do hope you get it sorted. Please dont quit uni though! You may regret it after xxx