Feeling guilty for wanting to be sahm,when children in school

Merlot

Dippychick wrote: »

Usually only the ones on the dole

Wrong, I'm a SAHM with two children in school (I have an OH who works). Please do not tarnish everyone with the same brush.

Edit to add: I have no intention to returning to paid employment either (unless it is a matter of great need to pay the mortgage), I/we are quite frugal, do not go on holiday abroad, do not a flat screen or Sky etc. I am a housewife, mother etc and its a role I love, its not for everyone to stay at home, but it suits me, my OH and the children.

tiamai_d

*Louise* wrote: »

Oooooo - can I have one of them please??? :j

As soon as I invent a magic house that self-cleans, you can be one of my first customers! :rotfl:

Lunar_Eclipse

liney wrote: »

housework is not a full time job.

It's not (thesedays) no. But only because we don't do it as well and generally have less pride in our homes than a couple of generations ago when it was a full time job. Thus I think it is if done properly (which I don't.) People may tend to agree that it isn't a full time job (because no-one spends that much time doing it anymore - far too many interesting things to do!), but only because I suspect most people do not hoover daily, clean all their windows weekly etc etc, as used to be the case. It is perfectly plausible to spend one full day gardening for instance. I do spend a whole day baking, just not a set day.

It all depends on the size of one's house, family size, how much stuff it contains, how tidy the family is and how clean/tidy one wants it.

I don't work full time on housework, but I disagree that it is not a full time job. My Grandmother used to clean her front door on a daily basis. Mine probably gets a 12 week look in - you know when you start to notice it's not sparkling! They didn't have the modern time-saving conveniences that we have (washing machine mainly), but they also had smaller homes, very few possessions (3 dresses was well off) to clean and look after, and less activities outside the home, particularly after-school ones if not during the day.

All that has happened is that our homes are nowhere near as clean and tidy as they were 'back then' generally, due to longer working hours and much busier lives. I like to think it isn't because we're just incredibly lazy! Time constraints and priorities change and thus expectations do too.

galvanizersbaby

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

It's not (thesedays) no. But only because we don't do it as well and generally have less pride in our homes than a couple of generations ago when it was a full time job. Thus I think it is if done properly (which I don't.) People may tend to agree that it isn't a full time job (because no-one spends that much time doing it anymore - far too many interesting things to do!), but only because I suspect most people do not hoover daily, clean all their windows weekly etc etc, as used to be the case. It is perfectly plausible to spend one full day gardening for instance. I do spend a whole day baking, just not a set day.

It all depends on the size of one's house, family size, how much stuff it contains, how tidy the family is and how clean/tidy one wants it.

I don't work full time on housework, but I disagree that it is not a full time job. My Grandmother used to clean her front door on a daily basis. Mine probably gets a 12 week look in - you know when you start to notice it's not sparkling! They didn't have the modern time-saving conveniences that we have (washing machine mainly), but they also had smaller homes, very few possessions (3 dresses was well off) to clean and look after, and less activities outside the home, particularly after-school ones if not during the day.

All that has happened is that our homes are nowhere near as clean and tidy as they were 'back then' generally, due to longer working hours and much busier lives. I like to think it isn't because we're just incredibly lazy! Time constraints and priorities change and thus expectations do too.

I know quite a few people for which housework is still a full time job - a friend of mine spends hours polishing her doorstep (bit slippery!) and dusting her various bits of china and glass - when she had her first baby best part of the day was spent cleaning and ignoring babies cries - she's always been a bit anal to be honest and nowdays the kids aren't allowed in the lounge incase they mess it up - it's not a cosy comfortable home - you feel a bit worried about going in.
No sooner have you put your coffee cup down she is there to check if it's finished - bless her!:D
I have had good results getting the kids involved in the housework - my daughter views this as very grown up and is always asking if she can have a grown up job to do - so I give her the duster with my son in charge of spraying the polish and away they go - keeps them out of mischief for a while :rotfl:

Carmina_Piranha_3

thatgirlsam wrote: »

its great if you have the choice, and im not knocking sahm's..
but given the choice i would still like to work aswell...
my kids are my life, but your kids also grow up and make their own way and i would like something left for me if that makes any sense

that's fair enough, we're all different. as long as we are each happy with what we're doing there shouldn't be a problem.

i would be miserable if i worked, no matter what the job was, and even if it was part time. i would hate it, and i would envy stay at home mums. i don't want to work until my youngest is settled in school and my eldest is mature enough to stay at home on his own. i would have to work if, for example, my husband left us - i'd have to work to pay the mortgage. but if i don't HAVE to work over the next couple of years then i won't.

i know plenty of mums who enjoy working and would hate to be at home full time. i know one who was miserable until she got a job because being a stay at home mum was just not for her.
she's happy now.

as long as everyone is happy with their own situation then that's all that matters

Carmina_Piranha_3

Penelope_Penguin wrote: »

When my children started school, DD asked why she couldn't go to Florida "like everyone else in my class". I told her that if that was what she really wnated, she could. I'd go back to work, she could go to day care before and after school, and nearly every day in the school holidays. But wouldn't that be a wonderful swap for 2 weeks as Disney :j Even at 5 she realised that it wasn't and now at 15 and 13 both children ares happy that they may not have had every material thing, they had as much time and attention that they wanted from their parents.

i've had that conversation with my eldest too - he wanted to go to Egypt (it's my husband who is itching to go to Florida lol!). when we talked about the different types of holiday it turned out that all he really wanted was to go on a plane, and to hear a different language. he thought the holidays his friends were going on were essentially butlins but just in a different country. i know not all foreign holidays are like that, but this was what his friends were experiencing, just the kids clubs, pool and beach on a resort, nothing else.

so we went to disneyland paris on a plane and he got his plane ride, foreign language, tube train and sightseeing combined with a theme park and he was a happy bunny. it can be done quite cheaply, nowhere near as expensive as florida

he tried childcare and hated it, bless him. i think now that he's at high school he would prefer for me to be in work, and for him to have the house to himself for a couple of hours after school :rotfl:

melancholly

i can't see me giving up my job if/when i have kids.... but that's me.... i'll be doing something with flexible hours and days working at home. it's all about different couples, different lifestyles and different children. SAHMs are great for the kids, no doubt, but it's not a great choice for every woman.

i guess i just don't see what all the fuss is about.... as CP says above, as long as the people involved are happy with their decision, that's all that matters. i couldn't cope without the interaction with adults (which i think is what is most likely to send SAHMs with small kids nuts ), and i'm not sure what that says about me! bringing up children is the most important job in the world, and as long as they are loved and looked after, the specifics of the arrangements are irrelevant, surely?

what i am incredibly thankful for though, is the fact that this will be a choice for me, unlike perhaps 20/30 years ago when expectations were different. financial issues aside (which will always be a major factor in what is decided), i'm glad that working women don't get attacked for neglecting their children and i'm very sorry that SAHMs are made to feel guilty for the choices they make.

Lunar_Eclipse

melancholly wrote: »

i'm glad that working women don't get attacked for neglecting their children and i'm very sorry that SAHMs are made to feel guilty for the choices they make.

I don't think SAHM are generally made to feel guilty. They themselves often feel guilty. Guilty about leaving the comparative boring money earning to their OH usually! That's what I feel guilty about anyhow, having only been a non-earner since April! We are definitely in the 'if we win the lottery say goodbye to being an employee forever' camp. (Note employee, not work neccesarily.) Others would choose differently. There are just so many interesting things to do and see and being a SAHM is a small part of the freedom of having this independence IMO. Albeit financial dependence on someone else, hence the guilt.

Also, I'm sorry to say that I do think full time working mothers get negative comments. Especially if the children are unruly/naughty which may in part be attributable to attention seeking due to home life. :rolleyes: One of my close friends certainly perceives this when picking her eldest up from school on Friday afternoons after kids club. She's a single Mum now so has no choice about working, although debatable choice about the hours she's putting in (senior management position though.) It's tough being a Mum regardless.:D

But ultimately people always gossip about something and we all just do what we can given our cards in life, values and priorities.

galvanizersbaby

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Also, I'm sorry to say that I do think full time working mothers get negative comments. Especially if the children are unruly/naughty which may in part be attributable to attention seeking due to home life. :rolleyes: One of my close friends certainly perceives this when picking her eldest up from school on Friday afternoons after kids club. She's a single Mum now so has no choice about working, although debatable choice about the hours she's putting in (senior management position though.) It's tough being a Mum regardless.:D

But ultimately people always gossip about something and we all just do what we can given our cards in life, values and priorities.

I agree, I get lots of negative comments from other mothers (though my little angels are never naughty of course)
Also any slight incident is likely to be attributed to the fact I'm a working mum - recently one of the mum's invited my son (in front of me) round for tea with her son at the weekend in the playground to which he replied politely 'no thankyou' - I was a bit embarrassed to say the least but she asked if he would like to go and he answered truthfully.
She turned to me and said that it must be really hard for him only seeing me at the weekends and she understood and perhaps he could come another time.
When out of earshot I asked my son why he did not want to go - he replied that Felix's mum shouted and cried?! last time he was there and smacked Felix on the bottom and he didn't feel safe as he puts it'
Nobody's perfect and we all feel guilty for one reason or another at times whatever the choices we choose/have to make

Carmina_Piranha_3

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

Also any slight incident is likely to be attributed to the fact I'm a working mum

a lot of people say but but i'd have thought the opposite is true. my children are perfect angels of course, but i bet if somebody studied the kids being excluded from school, and the young people in prison they would find that the majority of them had stay at home mums.

i don't think any of the trouble makers on my council estate have a working parent